


Saying Yes

by kijilinn



Series: Love and Sociopathic Tendencies [2]
Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: Bondage, D/s Relationships, Established Relationship, F/M, Failed Relationships, Family, Greek Orthodox, Hair Pulling, Past Relationships, Weddings, business discussions, complicated ex-relationships, planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-15 13:16:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 56,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8057875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kijilinn/pseuds/kijilinn
Summary: Jason and Hilde approach this new life the only way they know how: by running full-steam ahead and swearing when things get in the way. As if marriage wasn't complicated enough, there's also the issues of ex-relationships, business details, and who actually answers the phone when it rings.





	1. Chapter 1

“Yes.”

Jason’s face blossomed in a smile and he hugged me tightly to him, kissed me. We clung to each other and laughed like idiots. 

And then we stopped and looked at each other. “Holy shit, we’re getting married,” I breathed.

He laughed and nodded, “Holy shit.”

“All I wanted was some pizza,” I gasped and watched with quiet joy as Jason laughed. I felt like the events of the last six months had been something of a blur. And now, here I was, watching this incredible man laughing. I pressed my face into his chest and exhaled, letting myself giggle a little hysterically. 

“Mine,” Jason whispered, wrapping his arms tightly around me. “All mine.”

“Yup,” I whispered back and hugged him tighter. “All mine, too.”

“Definitely.” 

I leaned into his arms, then peeked up at him. “This means paperwork. I fucking hate paperwork.”

“I suppose we don’t have to do the paperwork,” he said thoughtfully. “I mean, you already live here. We’re already sleeping together. The only external thing that’d change is whether or not we wear rings.” Jason tilted his head to study my face. “If you want to. You wouldn’t even have to change your name.”

I felt my lips twitch in a wry smile. “Jason, ‘Frank’ is not my maiden name.”

He blinked. “Oh. Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“So. Paperwork, then.”

“Yeah.” 

Jason leaned down and let his forehead rest against mine for a second, his eyes closed. “Hilde Crouse has a good ring to it.”

“I don’t think it’s possible to sound more German,” I giggled.

“I’m not German,” he replied. “English and Scottish.”

“You’re German in there somewhere, dear,” I grinned and leaned up to kiss him. He pressed his lips into a line, refusing to kiss me back but still smiling. 

“Dear.” Jason’s lips twitched. “I like the sound of that.”

“You’ve been dear to me long before I ever said it,” I admitted with a smile. 

Jason kissed my forehead. “Thank you.”

“There’s pizza getting cold on the counter,” I grinned at him and he snorted. 

“And wine getting a breath of air before we try it.” We collected pizza and wine and sat down on the couch to consider what came next. “So, paperwork. How much paperwork?” Jason asked.

“Marriage license. Name change on multiple fronts,” I said, ticking the thoughts off on my fingers. “Changing my marriage status at work, though I’ll probably leave that alone so they take enough taxes out for a refund. Social security name change.”

“Come work for me.” 

I blinked. “What?”

Jason grinned. “I make enough to live on my own income comfortably. If we make a professional firm out of it, we can both get paid for my investigation.”

I raised an eyebrow. “How does that work?”

Jason took another bite of pizza and waved the raw end of crust at me. “You do research, liaise with librarians and academics. I do the legwork and tracking. We do our own bookkeeping. We can take more cases with two of us working and we can charge more for the services of two investigators instead of one.”

“Doing our own bookkeeping means doing our own taxes,” I said with gritted teeth. “I know basic accounting, but the tax law is going to be beyond me.”

“I passed the bar,” Jason said cheerfully, “once upon a time.”

“And got disbarred for losing your temper,” I chuckled.

“Just don’t let me do taxes while drunk.”

“You were drunk when you punched out the judge?”

“No, but I was definitely not thinking straight at the time.”

I chewed my pizza for a second and offered the point of a fresh slice to Nefret, who delicately ripped the cheese off in a good two-inch strip. “Okay, now it’s paperwork for the marriage, paperwork for the business, paperwork for the name change.” I gave Jason a squinty-eyed glare. “Our paperwork is multiplying.”

“You’re really not gonna want to hear this, then,” he grinned sheepishly. “There’s also the issue of a wedding.”

“Courthouse isn’t going to do it?”

“It’d work for me, but it’s not just me I’m thinking about here.” Jason shifted nervously on the couch and tucked his knees up to his chest, hugging them there. “I’ve got two brothers, Hilde. And my mom.” 

“And then there’s Mama.”

He chuckled and nodded, “Yes, there’s Mama. What about your family?”

I put my pizza aside for a second to rub my face. “Shit. My family. Yeah, I suppose. They missed out on the chance to fuss the first time. Mom would never forgive me if she missed the second one, too.”

Jason watched my face for a second. “This just got way more complicated than doing business taxes. Didn’t it?”

“I think it did.” I sighed and leaned my cheek on my hand. “Is a wedding even legal in Greek Orthodox for us?”

He paused and looked a little blindsided. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

I gave him a small, lopsided smile, “I’m not a believer, Jason.”

“You were baptized, right?” I nodded and he shrugged, “I think that’s all they’d need. But we’ll need sponsors.” We considered for a moment and I watched him make a face of apprehension, his teeth gritted. “Shit.”

“What?”

“Getting married in the church takes more paperwork.”

“Fuck.” I dropped my head backwards over the arm of the couch with a groan. “Let’s fucking elope.”

“Nope.” Jason grabbed a hold of my feet and dragged me the length of the couch until he could pull me into his arms. I squeaked the whole way, but went willingly. “First weddings are important in the church. And I think my little brothers have been taking bets on how long I’d hold out before someone convinces me to get married.”

“I did not convince you!” I protested. “If anything, I’m trying to talk you out of it.”

With his arms around me, Jason smiled and kissed my forehead. “Nope. I’m decided. And you already agreed.”

“I did,” I sighed in resignation. I settled with my cheek against his shoulder. “It would be nice to see my family,” I murmured. 

“You could meet my mom,” he whispered and I could hear the grin in his voice. “I think she’ll like you.” 

“How old are your brothers?” I asked. 

“Oliver’s 38 and Lucas is... 43? 43, I think.”

“Lots of space in there.”

“Oliver was an ‘oops’ baby,” Jason grinned. 

I glanced up at him in amusement. “An ‘oops, that wasn’t menopause’ baby?”

“Yeah.”

“And your youngest baby brother is  _ still _ older than I am.” I patted my palm against his chest for emphasis.

Jason rolled his eyes and flipped over to squish me into the couch. “Shut up, woman.” I giggled helplessly as he peppered my face with kisses and then paused to lean with his nose against the center of my glasses. “I love you,” he whispered. “And I love hearing you laugh.”

I grinned at him and cupped his face in my hands. “I love you, too.”

He kissed me slowly and we sank into the cushions, just enjoying the sensation of being together. Finally, Jason dropped his head to my shoulder and let out a long sigh. “I suppose we should probably write some of this stuff down. I can talk to the priest on Sunday about what we’ll need to do there.”

“I suspect it’ll go over better if _ we  _ talk to him,” I murmured.

“Maybe.” Jason’s breath rushed over my neck and I shivered in spite of the seriousness of the conversation. “How many people are we talking about for this thing?”

“How many for your family?”

He was still for a moment, then said, “Six. Seven, if we include the kids.”

“Is that with or without plus-ones?”

“Fourteen.” Jason groaned.

I nuzzled against his shoulder while I did rapid calculations in my head. “If I limit it to immediate family, it’s only four: Mom, my stepdad, my dad and his plus one.”

“What about your step-brothers?”

“I don’t think they’ll come, even if we invite them. They can’t remember to call their own father on his birthday.”

“Are there other family members you’d want there?”

I chuckled, “Yes. But that becomes a never-ending hole of ‘if I invite him, I’ll have to invite her, too.’ And I can’t invite them expecting they won’t come, either because if I’m getting married Orthodox, it’s a novelty.” I grinned at him sheepishly. “I’m a freak show.”

Jason snorted at me. “You are not.” He rolled off of me and sat on the floor for a second while Nefret walked back and forth across his lap. “Maybe just pick a few that you really want there?”

“Well, I’ve got my mom’s sisters. And a few cousins that I can’t stand to exclude. Not including Joel would be like cutting off my leg.” I curled onto my side and played with Jason’s hair. “And I’ve got a friend from college who needs to be there.”

“What about from Virginia?”

I winced. “I’m not sure how they’d feel about being invited to their brother’s widow’s second marriage. It’s… awkward.”

“True.” Jason leaned his head back against my hand and sighed. “God, I don’t want to do this now.”

I chuckled and kissed his cheek. “I warned you. Elopement is way simpler.”

“I think even a secular wedding would be too much,” he mumbled with his eyes closed.

“Do you still want to?”

His eyes snapped open and he looked at me sternly. “Yes.” 

I grinned, leaning around to kiss his lips. “Just checking.” He sighed and curled one arm back around my shoulder to hold me in for a longer kiss. “If we take it one step at a time, we’ll get there,” I murmured.

Jason nosed against my face and smiled quietly. “I should probably take one of those steps now, then.”

“Yeah?”

He grinned, kissed me again, and stood up to retrieve his phone from the counter. “You work tomorrow, right?” I nodded warily and watched him while he flipped through the phone for a second, then found what he wanted and dialed. He put his finger to his lips at me and waited for the phone to connect. “Hello, Father, this is Jason Crouse.” I blinked and Jason grinned at the expression on my face. “I’m well, how are you? I’m sorry to call out of the blue like this, but I had a question for you. Is there a time when we could get together and talk? No, not just me.” His lips twitched and I chewed the inside of my cheek in amusement. “Actually, yes. I’ve asked Hilde to marry me and she said yes. We’d like to have a chance to talk to you about it.”

A happy bubble of emotion settled in my chest at those words and I hugged myself on the couch, grinning foolishly. It surprised me that I was this excited, really. It wasn’t like I hadn’t gone through it before. But as I watched Jason pacing in the kitchen on his phone, it dawned on me that every relationship really was different. My marriage to Jason would be different from my marriage to Connor, just like my marriage to Connor had been different from my parents’ marriage or my mom and my stepfather’s marriage. 

“Dinner tomorrow night sounds great. We’ll meet you there. Thank you, Father.” Jason looked up and beamed at me, an expression that drew me right up off the couch and sent me rushing to hug him. “Holy shit,” he whispered to the top of my head. “We’re getting married.”

“Holy shit,” I agreed.

 

***

 

We sprawled on the couch. Jason was only half-awake, his nose buried in my hair while I watched an episode of “Supernatural” from season two on Netflix. Nefret dozed on the back of the couch. “Dammit, John,” I sighed in exasperation as the episode ended. “I don’t know why I keep watching this episode. It always makes me cry.” I sniffed and pushed my face into Jason’s arm. I felt him shift and grunt softly, then his free arm tightened around my waist. 

Distantly, I heard Jason’s phone ring in the kitchen. He hugged me tighter and I felt him push his face deeper into my hair. Nefret’s tail was flicking angrily against the back of the couch. After a few more rings, I heard the phone bloop with a voice mail. Almost immediately, the phone began to ring again and Jason sighed in irritation. “I keep meaning to throwing that thing off a bridge,” he mumbled and pushed himself into a sitting position. I shifted my legs up to my belly to let him stand up and watched him stagger into the kitchen after the phone. “Hey, Lucca. What’s up?” He stood with one hand over his eyes while he listened, then sighed. “I can’t tomorrow.” He paused and chuckled, “I have a date.” There was a profound silence and I shifted in my seat to see his face better. His jaw was clenched. “Lucca. It was a year ago. I’m sure… I really do have a date. I can’t.” He laughed, but it was a low and warning sound. “I’m hanging up now. Good bye, Lucca.” The phone hung loosely from his fingers as Jason leaned back against the wall, his eyes closed. “Dammit.”

“Lucca was Alicia’s partner, right?” I asked softly. He just nodded. “What’s up?”

Jason tossed the phone on the counter and rubbed his hands over his face with a low, frustrated sound in his throat. “Lucca thinks there’s still something going on with Alicia. I’ve barely even talked to her professionally for more than a year. Alicia, I mean. Lucca calls pretty frequently; we get drinks. I like Lucca. She’s fun.”

“And about as interested in you as a potted plant?” I asked and he grinned. 

“Something like that. Lucca sees right through me. Or thinks she does, anyway. It amounts to the same thing, for her.” He sighed and came back to the couch to collapse beside me. “You should meet her sometime. Maybe after…” he trailed off and looked thoughtful for a second, then kissed my cheek. “Hold that thought.”

“I think it was your thought to hold,” I said as he stood up and rushed off into another room. I heard him bumping around, then a very solid THUMP echoed back and he grunted. “Jason?” 

“Just a second,” he replied. I heard the strained squeak of an attic ladder and blinked. 

“This apartment has an attic?” I asked in surprise as I followed the sound to the hallway.

“Sort of.” Jason’s voice was muffled and I saw that he was head-and-shoulders inside a ceiling crawlspace. He grunted again, then made a cheerful sound. “Aha! I knew it was here somewhere.” I waited to the side of the ladder while Jason climbed back down, carrying a small wooden box under one arm. 

“I always knew you were a pirate,” I grinned at him and he chuckled. 

“This was stuff my grandmother left me when she died,” he said and put the box on the coffee table. We sat side-by-side on the floor while he opened the box and turned it over. With a splash of sound and color, he spilled the contents across the coffee table. There were little plastic bags with preserved coins inside, a scattering of small felt bags closed with safety pins, several envelopes sealed with yellowed Scotch tape. “I used to collect coins,” he admitted, “back when I was a kid. She left me most of her collection, though some of the good stuff went to my brothers, too.” He stacked the coins in their bags to one side, then laid out the felt bags. “Some of this is jewelry. Family stuff. I’ve never really looked through all of it. But since I was the oldest, she wanted me to have it.” 

“And these?” I asked, poking an envelope.

“Family pictures, mostly.” He considered for a second, then kissed my cheek. “You can look, if you want.”

I pulled the envelopes closer, then scooted until my hip was against Jason’s. “Maternal grandmother or paternal?”

“Maternal.” He started sorting the felt bags by feel, laying them out in little rows, then rearranging them. 

I opened the first envelope, wincing as I cracked the yellowed tape and the powdery adhesive fell out onto my fingers. “These haven’t been opened in a long time,” I murmured.

“My grandfather died in the war,” Jason said quietly. “Those might be of him.”

I took the photos out carefully, making sure to handle them by their edges to keep from getting fingerprints on them. They were mostly black-and-white photos from the 40s, based on the clothing and hairstyles. I saw a smiling man in uniform holding a woman who had her face turned away from the camera and buried in his chest. He had Jason’s smile. I flipped slowly through the photos, seeing more of the woman actually looking at the camera. She had a nervous smile and seemed more interested in looking somewhere else than facing whoever was taking pictures. I also saw several children, in particular a little girl with her father’s--and her son’s--smile. “This is your mother, isn’t it?”

Jason’s chin rested on my shoulder for a moment. “Yeah, that’s Mom.” He tapped one photo, then took it from me. “My uncle David. He died before I was born. And my aunt Cindy. She married a missionary and kind of vanished after that. I’m not sure anyone knows what really happened to her.” He leaned on me as I flipped through the photos and I felt him exhale, sounding tired. “Wow. These are old.”

I looked up at him and smiled, leaning back against him. “You doing okay?”

“Yeah.” He shook his head. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just… haven’t thought about family in a while, I guess.”

I opened another envelope and Jason returned to sorting the felt bags. He opened a few, checked inside. Some of them, he poured something out to look at it, then put it away again. Finally, he paused with a smile. “Here it is.”

I looked up from photos from the 70s of Jason and his brothers as kids. Jason had palmed something out of the bag before folding it up and setting it back on the table. “What are you up to?” I asked him warily.

“Why would I be up to anything?” he grinned. When I raised an eyebrow, he sighed and let his head hang for a second, “Okay, fine, I withdraw the question.” He slipped on hand forward to catch my fingers. “Give me your hand for a second. I want to check something.” I surrendered my fingers and Jason pulled my right hand toward him, kissed the knuckles quickly and slipped something over my ring finger. “A little loose. We can get it sized, if you like it.” I chewed my lip and he let my hand go. 

The ring was a bit too loose, maybe a size up from where I would need it. A beautiful star sapphire, almost violet in color and bracketed with very small diamonds shown brightly from my hand and I just stared. “I…”

“Family ring.” He caught my hand when I dropped it and closed his fingers around mine. “Do you like it?”

“It’s beautiful, Jason,” I whispered. I could feel my fingers shaking and tried to close them around the ring to keep from losing it. “God, I’m going to lose it. It’s gonna come right off and I’ll lose it.”

“You won’t lose it,” he whispered back and held my hands between his own. “We’ll get it re-sized and you can wear it on a different finger until then. Or on a chain.” I realized that he was shaking, too and I let my eyes come up to his. “You’ll wear it?” he asked, heart achingly hopeful.

I took the ring off for a second, studied it from several angles, then slipped it on my left ring finger with a lift of my lips. “Wrong finger.”

“Nope.” His fingers darted out and he swapped the ring back. The glee on his face was infectious and I giggled. “I’m right and you’re wrong, remember? Orthodox puts wedding rings on the right hand.” Jason watched my face for a second, still smiling. “But you will…?”

I pulled him close to kiss him. “I will.”


	2. Chapter 2

I dropped my laptop bag and shoes by the door and reached down to both pet Nefret and shoo her away from the door. A quick glance around the apartment told me that Jason was out, so I went to the bedroom to change out of my work clothes. It had been a fairly typical Saturday at the library: weird patrons, goofy moments with my coworkers, and a half-hour lunch in which I’d scarfed a protein bar. I flopped down face first on the bed in just my underwear and let myself exhale. It felt good to just be for a minute.

Nefret hopped up onto my butt and began kneading her paws into the fabric of my panties. I sighed. 

“Okay, that just isn’t fair.” I looked up from the blankets to see Jason standing in the doorway, a look of amusement on his face. His eyes scanned slowly over my mostly naked body and then back to the cat perched on my back. “Nefret, you are stealing my fiancee.”

“She thinks you stole her human,” I replied. “Don’t tell her different or she’ll bite you.”

“I’m familiar with her teeth.” He moved out of my range of vision and I heard him moving around behind me. Something sounded like clothes hitting the floor made me turn my head as far as I could. I felt his fingers run up the back of my leg and I closed my eyes. “You can’t expect to lie around naked in my bed without getting some kind of payback.”

“I’m not naked,” I protested. “I’m wearing a cat.” Nefret sneezed once and jumped away. “I’m wearing panties,” I amended quickly.

“And panties count as clothed.” Jason’s hands continued up the back of my legs and over my butt. I buried my face in the blanket with a soft moan. “I didn’t hear you.”

“Apparently doesn’t count enough,” I mumbled. He chuckled while his hands slid up over my lower back and then across my shoulders. He slipped up behind me, tucked his hands under my arms and kissed my shoulder slowly. When he let himself rest against me, I could feel that he was about as naked as I was. “I missed you,” I whispered.

I felt his lips curl gently against my skin and he kissed me again, working slowly up my shoulder to my neck. “I missed you, too.” The weight of his body against mine pressed me into the blankets and I went utterly limp, closing my eyes. Jason pulled one hand out from under me to draw my hair aside from my neck and kissed me again. His lips brushed my ear and he whispered, “Thank you.”

“For?” I whispered back, tipping my head toward his face. 

“For missing me,” he murmured and kissed my cheek. His fingers worked up into my hair and I groaned, letting my eyes slip shut again. “For lying mostly naked in my bed with a cat on your very nice ass.” His lips traced my chin, then he kissed as much of my mouth as he could reach. “For wearing this.” Jason’s thumb rubbed over the ring on my middle finger. He tucked his nose against my neck and let out a long sigh. “Thank you.”

I shifted my hips so I could more easily press my lips to his. “I love you.”

Jason smiled and slid over so I could roll onto my side. I pressed my face against his chest and his arms settled around me. “I love you, too.” He stroked my hair slowly and traced his fingers down my cheek. “And as badly as I want to lie here naked with you until we both get too hungry to ignore it anymore, we do have a dinner date with a priest.” I laughed weakly into his neck and Jason kissed my forehead. “C’mon, beautiful.”

Before he could stand up, I grabbed his hand and dragged him back down. “Sure I can’t talk you into something first?” I bit my lip and grinned at him playfully.

With his lips pulled into a tight “oo,” Jason slowly shook his head. “You’re terrible. I say ‘priest’ and you say ‘fuck me.’ What’s wrong with this scenario?”

“I didn’t say ‘fuck me,’” I laughed and let him pull me to my feet. “I just suggested obliquely that maybe we’d have time for something that resembles fornication before our meeting with the priest.” I leaned up against him and he shook his head, grinning. 

“That,” whispered Jason as he kissed my face, “is not funny.” One of his hands cupped my ass quickly, then spanked once, sharply. “Go get dressed.” He grinned at the blush on my cheeks and kissed me again. “We’re gonna be late.”

“Only if you do that again when we get home,” I murmured and went looking for clothing.

“No promises.” Jason shrugged into a button-down shirt and combed his fingers through his hair. When he turned to find me just watching him, he rolled his eyes. “Go already.”

“Sorry, got distracted,” I gasped. I shook my head to clear it and grinned at him. “You’re very distracting. Even with clothes on.” I poked through the closet, then paused to ask, “Work clothes okay or should I go formal?”

“Comfortable is probably better,” Jason said and I felt the warmth of his body behind me. He put one hand on my hip and leaned his chin on the top of my head, looking at the clothes. 

“Comfortable is me in pajamas,” I replied sourly and he chuckled.

“You look good in purple,” he murmured and reached to point toward one of the few full-length dresses I owned. “Or the red blouse.” He kissed the top of my head. “Wear what makes you feel good.”

I leaned back against him with a sigh. “Most people tend to look askance at a woman wearing a ratty t-shirt, jeans, and a man’s blazer. Especially if she’s someplace that expects tidy attire.”

Jason sighed and turned me to face him. “Wear what makes you feel good, Hilde.” He stroked my face and kissed me slowly. “If you want to wear a pair of jeans and one of my t-shirts, Father David won’t think any less of you.” 

“You’re dressing up,” I said softly.

He smiled and brushed my cheek with his thumb. “Babe, we are not a matched set. Wear what you want. You won’t be underdressed or overdressed. It’s just dinner.”

“With the man we’re hoping will agree to marry us.” When Jason opened his mouth, I leaned up on my toes to kiss him quickly. “You’re a known quantity, Jason. He already knows you. He’s met me at service, seen me a few times, but that doesn’t mean he knows me. If anything, he’s aware I don’t take communion and I even shy away from the blessed bread. I can’t exactly take the chance that he’ll disapprove of a match.”

Jason sighed and leaned to rest his forehead against mine. “Do you know what Orthodox believe about marriage?” When I looked up to meet his eyes, he smiled. “There are no vows. Not public ones, anyway. The public wedding is just that: public.” He stroked my face again. “It’s the public part of the marriage. It assumes there’ve already been commitments made in private, between the couple and God.” He leaned in and kissed me. “Showing up with a declaration of intent is the marriage. The wedding’s just the after-party.”

I leaned against his chest and Jason kissed my forehead. “Seriously?”

“We’re telling Father David we’d like him to perform our celebration. He’s got the right to say he’s not comfortable with it, but he can’t tell us we aren’t married. He doesn’t have to approve of you. He can refuse to perform.” He hugged me close. “But in the only eyes that count, you’re my wife already.” I peeked up at him and Jason smiled at me. “I love you. I’m going to love you for the rest of my life.”

I wrapped my arms tightly around him and buried my face in his chest. He held me close, slowly rubbing my back.  _ The rest of my life _ . The words echoed in my head and I clung to him, trying to banish a little thread of panic in my chest.  _ Twisted metal, the reek of overheated rubber, glittering cubes of safety glass. ‘Nothing we could do.’ Bloodsoaked upholstery. A shattered CD case. _ I still couldn’t listen to Incubus, even eight years later. “That could be a really short time.”

Jason shifted and leaned back, worked one hand down to touch my face. “Hilde, look at me.” Reluctantly, I looked up at him. “It could. Won’t argue. But I want you to know that I will. However long I get, I’m going to love you for all of it.” He stroked my cheek and smiled gently. “I promise.”

I jumped to throw my arms around his neck and he caught me with a laugh. “I love you. More than I’ve loved anyone in a long, long time.” Jason held me close and swayed as I whispered in his ear. “For every damn second of life I get, I’m going to love you. I promise.”

He kissed my neck and let out a long sigh. “That’s all I want.” 

 

Father David was only a few years older than Jason. He walked us comfortably through what we’d need to get sorted out for the wedding. He puzzled over my beliefs for a while before beaming at me and announcing, “I can’t wait to get you into a Bible study.”

I looked at him warily, then glanced at Jason. “Why?”

“You’re smart, educated, inquisitive and ‘because’ is not an acceptable answer for you.” He leaned on his elbows over the remains of his fries. “We need more curious people in the church, Hilde.”

I ducked my head and glanced at Jason. “That’s not what my old church thought.”

“Lots of churches don’t,” he agreed with a sigh. “When were you thinking about having the wedding?”

“We hadn’t really sorted that part out yet,” I admitted sheepishly.

“There are a few times you’ll need to avoid so you can still receive the sacrament.” He paused and glanced at Jason, who nodded. “How about sponsors?” I sighed and shook my head. “Sweetheart, it’s okay,” the priest smiled. “I know there’s a lot. Jason, you might ask John Volkov. I know his mother is fond of you.”

“I’ll never understand Mama,” Jason sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. 

“Don’t try,” chuckled Father David. “Just thank God for her and smile when she talks.”

“It’s worked so far.”

As the server brought the check, Jason caught it quickly and handed her a credit card. “Thank you,” the priest smiled. “You didn’t have to.”

“I know.” Jason curled his fingers through mine and squeezed gently. “We really appreciate this, Father.”

Father David stood up and we echoed him, then he came around the table and hugged me. “You’re precious to us, you know. I’m glad you asked me.” He kissed my cheek and then reached to hug Jason, too. “Call me if there’s anything you need as you’re planning. I’ll see you tomorrow at litany?”

“We’ll be there,” I said and Jason looked at me in surprise. I smiled.

In the parking lot, we climbed into the truck and Jason paused with his hand on the ignition, then looked over at me thoughtfully. “Have you ever considered conversion?” When I looked at him, he held up a hand quickly. “I’m not asking you to convert, Hilde. I’m just curious if you’ve thought about it.”

“I’ve thought about it,” I sighed and buckled my seatbelt. “I still feel like there’s too much I can’t let go. There’s too much I can’t take on faith. And I won’t claim a faith that’s not mine.”

His hand reached out and curled around mine for a second before he put the truck in gear and headed for home. “I wouldn’t ask you to.”

We rode home in silence, both lost in our own thoughts. 

 

I leaned on the windowsill and watched a few people walking on the sidewalk outside the apartment. Nefret sat next to my hand in her cushioned hammock, her eyes half-open and her purring loud. I could hear Jason moving in the kitchen, the crackling sound of the coffee maker brewing. There was no such thing as a bad time for coffee, even after dinner.

When the coffee was done, Jason set a mug beside my other hand and curled one arm around my waist. “You’ve been quiet for a long time,” he said softly. “Tired?”

“A little,” I acknowledged. “And thinking.”

“About?”

I leaned my head back against his shoulder. “About faith. And about promises. About what’s real. About what matters.” His hand came up and gently stroked my exposed throat and I closed my eyes. “I love you. But I’m scared that your loving me will be harmful to your faith.”

Jason sighed and kissed my neck, brushed his hand over my forehead. “I told you before. The state of my soul is my concern.”

“Always,” I smiled quietly, “but because I love you, it’s my concern, too.”

“You know why I don’t feel guilty about being with you?” he whispered against my ear. I tilted my head, curious, and he smiled. “Because I know where I’m supposed to be. I have faith that I’m supposed to be here, with you.” Jason leaned and kissed me slowly. “I believe. I believe that we’re a part of each other and it’s God’s will.” When I lifted my eyes to meet his, he grinned, “And how could I argue with that?”

I chuckled and turned to lean against his chest. “Same way you can argue with anything?”

“Me?” he sniffed indignantly, “argue? Never.”

“You only live and breathe it,” I snickered. “You were a lawyer, after all.”

“It could be argued that once a lawyer, always a lawyer at heart,” he grinned and kissed me. “Seriously, though. Don’t worry about me. I’m good.” I let out a long breath and curled my arms around him, pushing my face into his chest. “Anything else on your mind?”

“Yes, actually,” I said without lifting my face from his shirt. When he just waited and ran his fingers through my hair, I peeked up at him with a small grin. “I can’t exactly announce to my parents via email that I’m marrying someone they’ve never met.”

Jason stared down at me for a second, then closed his eyes with a wry smile. “We need to go to Michigan.”

“We need to go to Michigan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, this chapter was so hard. T_T


	3. Chapter 3

“I need,” I said as I put my leave request down on my manager’s desk, “to go to Michigan.” 

Allyson looked from the paper, then back up at me with a slowly questioning eyebrow. “There’s more to this story…”

“There is.” I bit my lip and grinned quietly, “Do you mind if I close the door?”

She nodded and waited with that same questioning eyebrow raised. 

I crouched next to her desk, slipped Jason’s ring from my hand, and placed it on the surface beside her mouse pad. “I’m getting married again,” I whispered.

Allyson rotated her chair and picked up the ring, examining it thoughtfully for a second. Then, she looked down at me, “You’re crazy, you know.” Her tone was cynical, but she was smiling. “This the guy you’ve been living with?”

“Yeah, Jason.”

“Mmph.” She shook her head and grinned at me. “Isn’t he a bit old for you?” Her eyes danced and I put my forehead on her desk with a giggle. “Congratulations, Hilde. Do you know when yet?”

“Probably November sometime.”

Her eyes widened, “You’re going to be gone for Thanksgiving?”

I froze and put my chin on the edge of the desk. “Right. Honeymoon. Shit. We haven’t talked about that yet.”

“You didn’t get one with Connor, did you?”

I shook my head. “No, we didn’t bother. Too expensive, too much time off from work.” 

“He better take you somewhere nice,” Allyson said as she reviewed the calendar. “What’s with the Michigan trip?”

“He hasn’t met my family yet. And I can’t tell my mom over the phone that I’m getting married again.” I reclaimed the ring and slipped it over my middle finger again.

“Are you keeping it a secret for a reason?” Allyson asked. 

I blinked and looked up. “No. Why?” She looked deliberately from my right middle finger to my left ring finger, then raised an eyebrow again. “Oh. No, the ring’s just too big still. We’re getting it re-sized.”

“Right hand?”

“Greek Orthodox wear them on the right.”

Allyson stared quietly for a moment, then said, “Aren’t you agnostic?”

“Baptized at 16.” I rocked back on my heels to stretch my hamstrings a little. “Protestant.”

“Hilde, please tell me you’re not lying to that man to get him to marry you.”

I exploded into giggles. “Of course I’m not.” When she looked at me skeptically, I grinned sheepishly. “I might be stretching the definitions of belief in order to convince his priest to marry us. It’s important to Jason.”

Allyson’s face didn’t change and I sighed. “You’re not my kid, Hilde,” she said, “but we’ve been working together for a while now. Is this important to you? Because if you go into this with anything but--”

“I know,” I interrupted her quickly. “I know.” I sighed and tapped my forehead against the desk. “The thing is, we’ve been going to church there for a few months now. I like it there. They… they’ve made me really feel at home.” 

“It’s your life, Hilde,” she said. “Just don’t make a decision because a man wants you to.” She signed the bottom of the leave request and dropped it on top of my head. “Have fun in Michigan.”

 

***

 

“Drive or fly?”

“Drive. It’s only five hours.”

Jason chuckled and caught me around the waist, half-spun me in a circle around the kitchen. “I knew I loved you.” I squeaked until he put me back on my feet, then I turned to lean up against his chest with a bright smile. “Your truck or mine?”

“Yours has A/C,” I said thoughtfully with my chin against his chest. “Mine has better mileage. There’s more room in yours, but Nefret’s traveled in mine before.” I looked up at him and pouted my lip playfully. “We could just rent a Prius.”

“Oh, don’t you dare.” He slipped his hand up into my hair and tightened it there. “I am not meeting your parents driving a Prius.”

“Not manly enough,” I laughed and flicked the end of my tongue at him as he pulled my head backwards. 

“You,” he murmured and leaned down to kiss my neck, “really gotta stop doing that.”

“Doing what?” I gasped when his teeth found the edge of my ear. 

“Saying things that make me want to kiss you.”

Jason caught my hips and pulled me closer. “And why would I want to do that?” I whispered. “I like it when you kiss me.” 

“I am trying to be a chaste man,” he informed me, one hand still tangled in my hair. “I am getting married in a few months.”

“You told me you were already married,” I murmured back.

He leaned in and kissed my neck again, “Better not tell my wife about this, then.” I staggered a little, overbalancing backwards against his kiss and felt something under my heel right before Nefret screamed like a banshee and shot off down the hallway. I squeaked, Jason grabbed my waist again and then I yelped when his hand in my hair clenched and he yanked. “Shit!” he cried and we both went down in a tangle of limbs. Jason managed to catch himself on his elbows with a grunt and I realized that his hand had also cushioned my head. “Ow.”

“You okay?” I gasped. 

“Yeah,” he grunted quietly. “You?”

“I think so.” I paused and let my head rest in his hand for a second. “I think our flirting might be dangerous to our wellbeing.”

“I think you might be right.” Jason leaned and kissed me quickly before pushing back to his knees. I held still and waited, watching him rotating his wrists to make sure everything still worked okay. “I’m going to feel that tomorrow.”

“Are you feeling old?” I asked him, teasing. I rolled up to a sitting position and rubbed the back of my neck. Jason just glared at me and I grinned back.

“Shows what I get for worrying about you.”

“You did keep me from bouncing my head off the floor. Thank you.”

“At the cost of my knees.” 

“It’s not like you were using them for anything.” I stuck my tongue out.

Jason raised his eyebrow slowly and smiled. “Are you suggesting you’d like me to?”

“Ah-ah,” I scolded and wiggled a finger at him. “Flirting is hazardous and you’re trying to be chaste.” I collected my legs under me and head down the hall, calling for Nefret. “Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” I followed her into our bedroom and found the cat crouched under the bed, sulking. “Poor baby. I’m so sorry. C’mon, I’m so sorry, sweetie.” I got down and tried to reach her under the bed until she finally deigned to push her face against my fingers. “Pretty baby. That’s right, mama’s sorry.”

I felt hands on my hips and managed to squeak once before Jason dragged me out from under the bed. “You are making this very difficult,” he informed me as he pulled my butt right to his hips with a bump. 

“Yeah, chastity isn’t exactly our speed,” I chuckled, wiggling my hips. 

“It’s not,” he agreed and I turned around to face him. Kneeling, the height difference was essentially unchanged. “You’re still short,” he announced.

“So suave,” I snorted. I ran my hands over his chest and then around his shoulders, leaning against him. “Were you being serious? About the chastity thing?”

“Not really,” he smiled and slipped his arms around me, kissing my cheek. “Life’s too short to be uncomfortable and chastity is uncomfortable.” With a soft grunt, Jason rocked against his knees and brought his legs back around so he could sit on the floor, his long legs on either side of me. He held his arms out and I dropped down to my hip, leaning up against him. He wrapped both arms and legs around me and rested his chin against my shoulder with a sigh. “There are some things I do in spite of what the church teaches. It used to bother me, make me wonder if I wasn’t a good man.” I leaned up and looked into his face. Jason smiled and shrugged a little. “I realized that there are some things that are important. And some things that are private.” He held my chin lightly in his fingers, his thumb settled into the indent under my lips. “The things that are private are between me and God.” His thumb brushed my lips lightly and I closed my eyes. “And if someone disapproves, to hell with them.” Jason’s lips pressed against mine and I exhaled as I kissed him back. 

I tucked myself up under his chin and Jason sighed, wrapped his arms tight around me. We sat on the floor together until Nefret wriggled out from under the bed to glare at us. “I’m so sorry, baby,” I told her again, reaching one hand out to pet her. She dodged my hand and sauntered off down the hall. I slumped over Jason’s arm and sighed. “My cat hates me.”

“You stepped on her,” he replied. “I’m not surprised.”

“It was an accident and it was partially your fault.”

“Do you think it would help if I apologized?”

“It might.”

Jason rolled his eyes and sighed, then kissed my cheek. “The shit I do for you, woman.” He scooted on his butt to the hallway and called down after Nefret, “We’re sorry, baby. She didn’t mean it.”

“You think she can’t hear your tone?” I asked him and swatted his leg with the back of my hand. 

He glared at me, then rolled over onto his stomach and belly-crawled out of the room. “Nefret! Baby girl. I’m sorry.” There was a pause, then I heard his soft laugh and the low rumble of his voice as he spoke softly. “I think that fixed it,” he called back to me. 

I leaned to peek down the hallway to find Nefret vigorously marking Jason’s nose with her face. He occasionally made comforting sounds to her, interspersed with a brief sputter when she stuck her whiskers in his mouth. I grinned and crawled to lie beside him on the floor. Nefret watched me warily until I murmured my apology again. Then, she leaned against my hand and started to purr louder. With Nefret comforted, I leaned sideways to put my head on Jason’s shoulder. 

He kissed the top of my head and asked, “You’ve told your family we’re coming?”

I nodded. “I texted Mom right after Allyson approved the leave request and sent Dad a Facebook message. They are properly excited.”

“Oh, good.” Jason’s tone was carefully neutral and I grinned, rocking against his shoulder. He smiled back and leaned to kiss me. “I’ve never had a planned Meet the Parents visit.”

“You’ve had unplanned ones?”

Jason let his head hang for a second, grinning with an embarrassed flush on his cheeks. “Yeah. Alicia’s mother and brother. That was…” he paused with his lips pressed together, then gave a slow, deliberate nod, “interesting.”

“Do I even want to know?” 

He turned to study my face thoughtfully. “Depends on how much you want to hear about Alicia.”

I rolled onto my back and regarded the ceiling with a sigh. “How important was she to you?” When he didn’t answer right away, I turned my head and watched his expression. “Does it hurt to talk about her?”

“A little.”

I slid one arm over his back and snuggled up to his side, kissed his cheek and let my chin rest on his shoulder. “Talk about her if you feel okay about it. If it hurts, stop.” He tilted his head to look at me and I smiled. “How long had we been sleeping together before I told you Connor’s name?”

Jason smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He stroked my cheek and whispered, “Alicia and Connor are not analogous.” I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly. I felt him gently kiss my forehead, then down my nose. “Not even close. Apples and kittens.”

“Thank you,” I whispered. 

 

“Do you even know how pack?” 

“What?” I protested, looking down at the bag in front of me. “Of course I do.”

Jason came to look over my shoulder with one eyebrow raised. “That’s packing?”

I stuck my bottom lip out and glared up at him. “Yes.” I finished rolling another t-shirt into a ball and stuffed it into the corner of the bag. “I don’t need much. We’re only going for a few days.”

“You’ve packed two wadded-up t-shirts, a pair of jeans, yoga pants, eight pairs of underwear and the power bra.” He raised an eyebrow. “Expecting to go through a lot of underwear?”

My lips twitched and I stood on my toes to kiss him. “Some of them are for exercise. I don’t glow when I run; I sweat.”

“You’re still going to run?” 

I nodded, “It blows off the anxiety. Because there will be anxiety.”

Jason pulled me into a close hug. “It’s your family, though.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “You think my family doesn’t cause anxiety? Oh, you poor, poor man.” I patted his cheek and he chuckled. “Seriously, pretty much everything causes anxiety. You’re just lucky you’ve never seen me without meds.”

Jason caught me before I could walk away from him and hugged me again. “The only reason I hope I never do is because it’d be hard on you.” He kissed me quickly and let me go. “But on a completely unrelated note, don’t you need more than one pair of pants?”

“I’m wearing a pair,” I retorted and gestured to my legs. “That’s two. Plus the workout clothes.”

“Well.” Jason sighed and shook his head with an amused grin. “At least there’ll be room in the truck for the cat.”

“Precisely.” 

We had decided to go with Jason’s truck for the extra room, since the times I’d traveled with Nefret, it hadn’t been with another person in the cab. As long as the weather held out, we would be fine with our bags in the back and Jason had unearthed a tarp from somewhere to help keep everything safe. The travel litter box fit in the passenger side floor, which was easier on me with my short legs than it was for Jason, but we’d manage. I slipped the harness on Nefret, who gave me a long-suffering glare. “Oh, get over yourself,” I told her. “You love being in the truck.”

“Does she really?” Jason asked as he shouldered the bags and we walked into the hallway. Nefret spent some time carefully sniffing the hallway floor and baseboards while I locked the apartment. “I’ve never known a cat who likes to travel.”

Once I’d locked the door, I scooped Nefret up and she settled against my chest. I partially folded my jacket around her and she started to purr. “She’s not exactly a normal cat. She prefers to be home by bedtime for her normal routine, but she does okay as long as we stop and get settled in with enough time for food and cuddles.” We headed out to where the trucks were parked and I added, “Just a sec. I need to get the key for Garrick.”

“I still don’t get the naming thing,” he said as I slipped over to the green Ranger and retrieved the spare key from inside. 

“Longstanding tradition. Cars and computers,” I smiled and tucked the key into my jacket pocket. “Connor named the truck, since it was his.” Jason climbed into the driver’s seat of the truck and I settled into the passenger seat with Nefret in my lap. She transferred herself to the sheepskin hammock we’d set up between the two seats, curled up into a fluffy ball, and promptly went to sleep. “See? She’s great in the car.”

“We’ll see how she does three hours from now in the middle of nowhere.”


	4. Chapter 4

We stopped for lunch just outside of Green Bay. We had switched drivers and Jason had dozed off in the passenger seat about an hour ago. As soon as he was unconscious, Nefret had climbed out of her hammock and tucked herself under his chin. As I pulled into a gas station and parked, I looked over and grinned to see Jason slowly starting to wake up to his stylish new torbie scarf. “What the hell?” The cat curled her claws into his shirt and purred louder. 

“I don’t think she wants to move,” I said.

“That’s a shame,” Jason sighed, “because I am not using her litter box.” He shifted to sit up and Nefret whined all the way down his chest and into his lap. When he scratched her behind the ears and moved her to the hammock, she gave a pathetic little mewl, but submitted. 

“Be good, baby,” I told her and kissed the top of her head. “We’ll bring you tuna salad.” I cracked the windows and we got out of the truck, locking the cat inside.

“You hate tuna salad,” Jason pointed out as he rolled the kinks out of his neck from sleeping in the cab. 

“But she doesn’t,” I smiled. “Honestly, I was thinking about just getting her a can of Fancy Feast. She likes it better than the salad with mayo anyway.”

As we walked into the convenience end of the store, Jason reached out and grabbed the back of my jacket, dragging me backwards until he could hug me from behind. “Feels weird to sit next to you for hours and not touch you.”

“You fell asleep,” I laughed. 

“Only for the last hour or so.” He hugged me harder with a little growl and pushed his face into my neck. Then, he kissed my cheek quickly and let me go again. 

I looked at him over my shoulder and grinned. “Better now?”

“Yes,” he smiled. “Thank you.”

While Jason located the restroom, I collected snacks and soda for the remainder of the trip, along with a can of tuna-flavored Fancy Feast for Nefret. I handed the purchases off to Jason when he returned and retreated to the bathroom myself. A few minutes later, we were caffeinated and ready to finish up the trip. “Such a balanced diet,” Jason chuckled as we got back into the truck. He was examining a bag of Cheetos through his glasses.

“It’ll only get worse when we get there,” I grinned. “It’ll be pizza and cookies for three days straight when Mom gets a hold of us.”

Jason made a face and muttered, “Dunno if my stomach’s going to survive this trip.”

“That’s the other reason I run.”

While Jason fed Nefret out of the can, I pulled out and took the exit towards my other home. Iron Mountain, Michigan.

 

We stopped in Crivitz, Wisconsin for a family road trip tradition: cinnamon rolls the size of a small child’s head. I bought three in bags and slapped Jason’s fingers when he tried to pry one out. “They’re better warm and with fresh coffee,” I told him.

“That does sound good,” he admitted. Nefret was also sniffing the packaging, but lost interest quickly. “So, what should I know before we roll into town and you dump me on your parents?”

I tapped the steering wheel with my thumbs as I considered his question. “My language is unusual for the family. I have a potty mouth and it’s really hard to curb it around my dad. Mom doesn’t mind it as much, but teases me pretty hard about swearing. Which means she’s a little uncomfortable with it.” I glanced over at him when Nefret started purring more loudly. She had flipped over in his lap and Jason was rubbing her belly while she stretched her front paws toward the windshield. “So, if my normal swearing is a six, I dial it back to about three with Mom and try to keep it about point five with Dad.”

“What does a ten sound like?”

I glanced at him quickly and grinned. “Fantastic sex, serious injury, or deep indignation. Like if someone kicks my cat or rear-ends my truck.”

“So I’ve heard one of those.”

“Yeah. At least once.” I could see Jason’s self-satisfied smile out of the corner of my eye. He was so fun to flatter. 

He cleared his throat and rubbed his fingers up under Nefret’s chin. “Anything else?”

“Connor called my dad ‘Mr. Wirth.’ It was a thing they worked out before we got married, one that made sense to only the two of them. Mom and I never got it, since she encouraged him to call her ‘Mom’ or ‘Linda.’ My stepfather is Earl, both to me and was to Connor, too. I’ll leave you to negotiate names however you’re comfortable, but I thought you’d appreciate the heads-up.”

Jason looked puzzled for a second. “Wirth?”

I raised an eyebrow at him and grinned. “My maiden name is Wirth, Jason. We’ve discussed this. Frank was Connor’s last name. I never changed back.”

“Right.” He was blushing now. “I knew that.”

“Mixed families are a pain in the ass, I know. Earl’s last name is Lindenberg, for reference.”

“Expert detective work on my part.” 

I chuckled and glanced at his face. I was surprised to see how flustered he was by this. “You okay?”

“Just…” he looked at me and then back down at Nefret, ruffling her belly, “I guess I’m nervous.” He laughed weakly. “Yeah. I’m actually nervous.” 

“Remember this feeling,” I grinned, “and amplify it by about thirty. That’ll be me trying to meet your family.”

“I don’t know about that.” I tilted my head to raise an eyebrow at him and he shrugged. “They’re going to love you. No question about that. Mom’s going to think you’re adorable. Oliver’s going to flirt with you at least as hard as I do. Luke will want to talk with you about everything.” He shrugged again. “You’re going to fit there like a glove, Hilde. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

I took one hand off the wheel long enough to reach over and find his hand, which he surrendered to me when he saw me reaching. “And what have you got to worry about?”

Jason gently squeezed my fingers, then released and let his hand drop back to bracket Nefret in his lap. “I’m old enough to be your father, babe. Plenty.”

“I’ll bet you were a ripped 14-year-old.”

“Not funny.”

I glanced at him. “You’re really worried about this?” He didn’t answer and Nefret just purred. “Jason, talk to me.”

He sighed and leaned his head against the window, watching the side of the road. “Yes, I’m worried about what your parents will think about the age difference between us. It doesn’t bother me personally and I know it doesn’t bother you, but I am worried it will bother your family.”

“There’s eight years between Mom and Earl.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” I glanced in the rear view mirror and merged toward my next exit. Things were starting to look more familiar and it was getting easier to remember which turns I needed to make to get home. “Jason, you don’t need to worry about fitting into my family. Mom will worry at first, then love you like crazy. Earl will pry your brain open and debate everything he can think of. Dad will probably threaten your life but he doesn’t really mean it.” I paused. “Wow, this isn’t helping, is it?”

“Can we go home yet?” Jason’s voice was warm and teasing, which made me smile. At least his sense of humor was intact.

“Now?” I sighed and waved a hand at the road. “We’re almost there.”

Jason looked up and I grinned. It was true: we were rolling through the outskirts of my hometown. I pointed out the husk of the building that had once been a Kmart where I’d worked, the Home Depot where my father worked now, the bank where my mother had worked for years, the VA hospital where my stepfather had worked. I turned and drove down the one-way street that had defined my world for so many years, past my father’s house and finally to my mother’s driveway. 

I parked the truck and turned off the engine, turned to face Jason and leaned across the space between us. “Come kiss me first,” I whispered.

Jason’s eyes were on the front porch of the house and he didn’t look back when he answered, “Why?”

“I want you to remember this.” I reached over and tugged the collar of his jacket until he turned to look at me. I smiled and pulled his face gently to mine, kissed him, felt him exhale and some of the tension go out of his shoulders. “No matter what, I love you. And I’m going to marry you.” I watched him blink in surprise and then he came back for another deeper kiss. When he let me up for air again, I grinned. “I’m not here asking permission. This is just the announcement.”

“God, I love you,” he rasped and kissed me again while I giggled. 

“I love you, too,” I whispered. 

Jason sighed and smiled at me, one thumb stroking my cheek. 

And someone knocked on the window, making us both jump and Jason yelped, “Jesus!”

“Mom!” I burst out laughing as my mother stood outside with her hands on her hips and an expression of mock-disapproval on her face. 

“You better get out here, pronto, missy!” she shouted at the door. “Do you have any idea how far past curfew you are?”

Shaking my head, I collected Nefret from Jason’s lap and slipped out of the driver’s side door. “About sixteen years?” I walked around the truck and Mom wrapped me in a tight hug while Nefret complained, squished between us. “Hi, Mom.”

“My Hilde,” she sighed and kissed my cheek. She turned her attention to Nefret and held her arms out. “And how’s my grandbaby, hmm? Beautiful girl.” Nefret went to her willingly with a rumbling purr and I grinned. I heard the truck door close behind me and I turned back to see Jason leaning over the back of the truck to collect our luggage. “And who is this?” Mom asked, her tone amused. “Besides tall, dark, and handsome.”

“Jason Crouse, ma’am,” he said as he came to stand next to me. “Pleasure to meet you.”

My mother’s eyes stayed friendly, but I could see her watching him, the way he moved, taking in the grey in his beard, the height difference between us, considering the width of his shoulders, and the expression on his face. Deciding if he scared her or not. “Jason. Nice to meet you. I’m Linda, Hilde’s mother. Please, come inside.” She carried Nefret toward the house and I reached to take Jason’s hand before following her.

His hand was shaking and I squeezed his fingers. “Just the announcement,” I whispered and he breathed out a trembling laugh. 

“Yeah.”

We followed Mom through the front door just in time to see her releasing Nefret to roam around the living room. I went to put the travel litter box next to the toilet, where it usually resided when I visited with the cat. Jason set our bags by the door and hovered there, his hands in his pockets. “Come in,” Mom ordered him and waved a hand toward the chairs. “Make yourself at home. Please, you’re making me nervous.”

“Sorry.” Jason paused, studied the rug for a moment, then looked at my mother’s feet, trying to decide if he should take his shoes off or not. I came back over to him and used his arm for balance before pulling my own off. 

“Not required, but I’m always more comfortable without ‘em,” I whispered to him. He exhaled and followed suit. “I never thought I’d see you this scared,” I giggled. He just glared at me and tucked his shoes under the cedar chest beside the door.

“Coffee?” Mom asked from the kitchen.

“Please,” I replied quickly. “Black for Jason.”

Mom raised her eyebrows at him and he shrugged. “It’s a no-brainer,” he admitted. “I always want coffee.”

“Oh, you’re going to like it here,” Mom chuckled as she poured. “I tend to make it weaker than Hilde likes, but there’s always coffee.” She came around the snack bar and handed him a mug which read, “You can always tell a Swede but you can’t tell ‘em much.”

Jason held the mug up to read the side and chuckled. “That explains a lot.”

“German, Swedish, Finnish, and Irish.” I grinned up at him. “Yes, I’m stubborn.”

“What the hell am I getting into?” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Jason clamped his jaw shut and stared at me, briefly bug-eyed. “Oops.”

“That didn’t take long,” I snickered.

“I didn’t hear anything,” Mom reported from the other room. She was settling into a swivel rocker with a set of double-pointed needles and a fresh ball of sock yarn. “Hilde, can you check my count for this pattern? I’m never sure.”

I leaned up on my toes to kiss Jason’s cheek, then came into the living room to look over Mom’s shoulder. She had only recently taken up knitting and I’d been giving her pointers whenever I visited, since her mother had taught me when I was little and I’d never quit. “Looks like you missed a yarn-over,” I said, pointing to the spot in the pattern where there was more fabric than necessary. 

“Damn.”

I heard Jason exhale a little and glanced at him with a grin. He came into the living room and glanced around, trying to decide where to sit. I pointed at the loveseat and raised my eyebrows. He pursed his lips and looked uncertain.

“You two are talking with your eyes. I can hear you without even looking up,” Mom announced. “You’re allowed to actually speak, you know.”

“Jason’s just scared of you,” I replied.

“I am not!”

“You’re not acting like a man who isn’t scared,” Mom put in.

Jason sighed and came around the coffee table to sit in the loveseat and sip his coffee. “Okay, fine, you caught me. I’m terrified. Scared spitless. Coffee has become my spit.” He drank some more. “In my defense, she didn’t say I was meeting Vikings today.”

I sat down next to him and put my feet in his lap. “You’ve been living with a Viking, dear.” His eyes darted from my face to my mother’s, then back and he swallowed without saying anything. I sighed and shifted to lean against his shoulder. “Relax,” I whispered. “I swear, everything is fine.”

“She knows we’ve been living together?” he asked in a low tone. I nodded. He shifted uncomfortably and I sighed, letting my forehead rest on his upper arm. 

“Jason,” Mom finally put in and he looked up. “My daughter is an adult. She’s been married before. What she does with her life is her business and I appreciate any part of it that she shares with me.” She tucked her knitting to the side and leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees. “It would seem that she’s decided to share you with me, too. And that’s important to me. Please, don’t be scared of me. Or uncomfortable. Make yourself at home here. Talk to me like you’d talk to anyone.” She waited until Jason looked up from his coffee to meet her eyes, then smiled at him. “I swear, I don’t bite.”

Jason’s lips twitched and I bounced my forehead against his shoulder with a barely whispered, “No.” He let out a more relaxed laugh and set his coffee aside to hug me. 

“That’s better,” Mom said, obviously pleased. “I expect to see plenty of that,” she added, waving a finger in our direction. 

Jason raised an eyebrow and asked, “You don’t mind?”

“Why would I?” she asked. “I like knowing someone loves my daughter.” When Jason and I exchanged a look, she grinned, “because anyone with eyes knows that.”

I found myself blushing and Jason smiled, leaned to kiss my forehead. “Alright, then.” He hugged me tighter and I pulled my legs back into his lap, snuggled up against his side. 

“Where’s Earl?” I asked Mom when we’d gotten comfortable and Nefret had reappeared from her patrol around the house. 

“He went to pick up the pizzas.” With a practiced move of her hand, Mom unspooled some yarn from the skein and returned to knitting. “I think he needed to get out of the house and stop pacing the floor.”

I frowned, “What’s up?”

Mom raised her eyebrows and smirked at me. “You. He’s missed you and he’s excited to meet Jason. He just couldn’t hold still anymore.” I thought about it, then nodded. To Jason, Mom added, “My husband has the same kind of anxiety disorder as Hilde. We all agree it’s something of a blessing that she isn’t his biological daughter, since she’d probably be worse than she is.”

“At least I’d be taller,” I muttered and sighed.

“Have you been to see your dad?” I shook my head and Mom gave me a slow, measured stare. “Hilde…”

“We came straight here because we’re staying here,” I said defensively. “And we couldn’t take Nefret with us there. The dogs would eat her.”

“Dogs?” Jason asked in surprise.

“Didn’t I tell you?” I looked up at him. “Dad’s got poodles.”

“Poodles?”

“Poodles.”

My mother chuckled and shook her head. “Poodles.”

“If we say it enough times, it starts to sound crazy. Poodles.” I beamed up at Jason.

“I think it was crazy before we started saying it over and over,” Jason chuckled. 

“Then you’ve pretty much gotten a grip on Hilde’s father,” Mom grinned.

“A crazy man with poodles?”

“And wanderlust,” I added.

Jason looked surprised, then considered my face for a minute. “You really are his daughter, then.”

“I’m crazy and wander-y,” I agreed. “Just no poodles.”

The grinding sound of the automatic garage door drew our attention and Mom cheered, “Pizza’s here!” She pulled herself out of the swivel rocker and dropped her knitting behind her as she rushed to the kitchen. When my stepfather came in, she took the pizzas from him, set them on the counter and threw her arms around his neck. 

Jason watched them thoughtfully with his head tilted. “That’s normal,” I whispered. 

“She greets him like you greet me,” he said softly.

I smiled and nodded. “And they’ve been married for more than half my life.” I leaned my cheek against his shoulder and whispered, “Says something, doesn’t it?”

I felt his lips on my forehead as he whispered, “Yeah, I guess it does.” 

I slipped out of his lap and leaned down to kiss him quickly as I stood up. “Come meet him,” I said, reaching for Jason’s hands. With a wry lift of his lips, Jason stood up and followed me into the kitchen. Once Mom and Earl had disengaged from each other, I threw myself at my stepdad for a hug. He caught me with his usual hard grip and low grunt of happiness, his arms tight around me and his legs braced against the counter to keep from falling over. He was the only person I knew who knew how to receive a full-force hug from me without falling down. “Hi, Fos.”

“Hi, Dos,” he replied softly. “Missed you.”

“Missed you, too. So did Nefret.” He gave me one more good squeeze and then let me go so I could stand back. I reached for Jason and he came to slip his fingers into mine. “Earl, this is Jason.”

Jason reached forward to shake Earl’s hand and they regarded each other for a moment. “Nice to meet you,” Jason said quietly. 

“You, too.” Earl’s bright blue eyes slipped to me and he winked, an amused expression on his face. I felt myself blushing. “I hope you like pizza, Jason. We have plenty and it’s getting cold.” He shook Jason’s hand once more, then let him go and turned back to the pizzas on the counter.

“I do,” Jason smiled. “Hilde makes some of the best I’ve ever had.”

“That she does,” agreed Earl and I snorted at both of them.

We spread the pizzas out on the snack bar in the kitchen while Mom retrieved plates from the cupboard. Earl pulled bottles of soda from the fridge and I scrounged until I remembered where the napkins were hiding. As we loaded up plates, Earl headed off for his study and called back, “Movie?”

“Yes, please,” I called back.

“Which one?”

I looked up at Jason and grinned. “Have you ever seen the animated  _ Sinbad _ ?”

His brow furrowed as he considered. “Is that the one from a few years ago with Michelle Pfeiffer?” I nodded. “No, never got around to it.”

“ _ Sinbad _ ,” I told Earl, who immediately started to laugh. “It’s a family joke,” I smiled and kissed Jason’s arm. “There will also be popcorn. And when I say there’s popcorn, I’m talking about several industrial tubs full of popcorn.”

We settled in with pizza and soda while Earl returned with the DVD. I flipped up the footrest on my side of the reclining loveseat and watched Nefret come running to snuggle into the hammock of fabric. When I flopped over against Jason, he looked at me in amusement. “You’re not even using the footrest?”

“No, it’s for the cat.”

He sighed and shook his head, then looped one arm around me to rest against my belly while he ate with the other hand. I glanced over at my mother, who smiled and winked at me. Once the movie started, I let myself completely relax, my head pillowed on Jason’s chest while the cat purred against my knees. When he’d finished eating, Jason kicked up the footrest on the other side of the loveseat and leaned back, stretching himself out and I repositioned accordingly. 

“So what’s the joke with this movie?” he finally asked as the credits started to roll. 

Earl grunted and made embarrassed noises before moving off in the direction of the kitchen and the popcorn popper. I grinned. “Earl loves this movie. At one point, he had three DVDs of it, plus at least four copies from its showings on movie channels. He kept forgetting he already owned it, so every time he found it in a used DVD place, he’d say, ‘Ooh!  _ Sinbad! _ ’ and Mom and I would have to remind him that he already had it. Now, every time we find a copy, it’s the same joke.”

Jason raised his eyebrows and smiled. “Oh. Okay, then.” He kissed my forehead quickly and murmured, “Up. Bathroom.” I shifted and flopped to the other side of the loveseat while he got up. 

While he was gone, Nefret hopped into my lap and I stretched my legs out into the warmth of where Jason had been sitting a moment before. Mom smiled at me and leaned over. “So… it’s been a long while since you brought a boy home.”

“Mom,” I groaned. “A boy? Really?”

Her grin widened. “Fine, a  _ man _ , then.” She drawled the word out dramatically and laughed when I covered my face. When I looked up again, she had sobered. “It has, though. Does this mean…?”

I rubbed my face and nodded, “Yeah. I think it does.” I shifted my hips and turned toward her more, upsetting the cat who stomped off in a huff. “I love him.” She leaned closer and cupped my face with her hands, her eyes watching me so closely. “I really do.” 

My mother closed her eyes, took a slow breath and then started to cry. “I’m so glad, Hilde. You deserve so much more than you got. I’m so glad.” I reached for her and she hugged me tightly over the arm of the loveseat and we cried on each other for a few seconds. 

“Hey, hey,” Jason’s voice murmured behind me and we separated to sniffle and wipe our faces. “I vanish for a minute and everyone starts crying. I didn’t go far.” 

“You hurt my daughter and I’m going Viking on your ass,” Mom said and blew her nose into a tissue. 

“Dually noted,” Jason said solemnly. 


	5. Chapter 5

“Have you seen my phone?” Jason asked me as we were settling in for the next movie and popcorn. He patted the pockets of his jeans, then went to find his jacket. 

“No. I haven’t heard it, either.” I got up to follow him. “Is it in the truck?”

“I hope so,” he sighed. “I still want to throw it off a bridge, but it’d be nice to have it if I need it.”

“Expecting a call?”

“No. Just… I usually get one.” He grinned at me sheepishly and kissed my forehead quickly. “Be right back.”

“Boo, hiss!” Mom shouted from the kitchen and threw popcorn at us. “Worst kiss ever!”

Jason laughed and looked quizzically at her. “What? I’m just going out to the car.”

“You never know what could happen,” she informed him with a solemn nod. “You could get mauled by wild deer. Or trip and fall and hit your head and lose your memory. These things happen. Every kiss counts.”

“So you’re judging me by this?”

“Yes.” She wiggled into a more attentive position, leaning against the counter and stared at us intently.

Jason looked at me. I looked back at him. “There’s nothing for it,” I sighed and shrugged. 

“Are you ready?”  he asked me seriously. “This could be dangerous.”

“Trying for a triple loop?”

His lips twitched into a small smile. “Double backflip. I could try the triple loop, if you want.”

“Get on with it!” Mom hooted in her best Monty Python impression.

“Yes!” chimed in Earl. “Get on with it!”

“Everyone’s a critic,” Jason muttered and I laughed. 

Before I managed to prepare myself further, he pulled me close and kissed me. He kissed me like we were alone. He kissed me like he meant it. I had to put my arms around his shoulders quickly because my knees threatened to give out suddenly. I struggled to keep from vocalizing like we were alone, too, but a little happy sound sneaked out anyway. We stayed like that until Mom and Earl started cheering and clapping, at which point Jason released my mouth, though he kept his arms around me. I was still a little wobbly, so I clung to him, blushing. “And he nails the dismount,” he murmured and kissed the end of my nose lightly. 

“Is that what you’re calling me now?” I whispered breathlessly. He grinned.

“And the scores are in!” Mom shouted. We both looked up to see her and Earl holding up notebook paper with numbers written on it. Mom had written 9.8 and Earl had written 9.0. “The judges intend to argue about the results thoroughly before bed,” Mom added.

“Would have gotten higher if she hadn’t started to fall over,” said Earl.

“I didn’t know I was getting scored, too!” I giggled.

“Always,” he grinned at me.

I patted Jason’s chest gently. “Sorry, babe. I fumbled.”

“I forgive you.” He kissed me again, just a gentle brush of his lips against mine. “Though I forgot what we were doing.”

“Phone,” I reminded him.

“Threw it off a bridge.”

“No, you just keep saying you’re going to.”

“I need to get around to that.” He kissed me again and I gave him a little push, giggling.

“Seriously, go look for the phone.” He sighed dramatically and turned away to go outside. While Jason was outside, I turned to look at my parents, who were both watching me with amused smirks on their faces. “What?”

“Nothing.” 

“Uh-huh.”

“Seriously, nothing!” Mom laughed. 

I glanced outside through the window in the front door and watched as Jason rooted through the cab of the truck. It was a nice view and I felt my lips pulling up into a smile. When I heard my mother snickering, I gave her a quick glare, then ran out onto the driveway after him. I came up behind him just as I heard him say, “Aha!” He turned toward me and blinked, barely getting a chance to react before I tackled him and kissed him like I meant it. He staggered backwards and leaned against the seat of the cab, gathering me into his arms and kissing me back. “What’s this for?” he whispered.

“Improved score,” I grinned.

Jason laughed openly, his head thrown back and I leaned against him, enjoying his laugh. He curled back around me and continued to giggle into my shoulder. “Your family is so weird.”

I kissed his cheek and leaned close to whisper, “You’ve been living with me for almost four months, Jason. You know how weird I am. Where do you think I got it?”

“It really is uncanny.” 

“Did you find the phone?”

Jason straightened up and reached behind him. “Yes. Squished into the seat. Must have sat on it.” As he pulled it around to check it, I saw the flash of repeated missed calls and texts. He winced. “No wonder we had such a nice night.”

I craned my neck to see who they were from. Most of the texts were from Alicia, but there were two missed calls from Lucca, one from Diane, and another from a name I didn’t know. “Wow.” I looked up into his worried face and bumped him with my shoulder. “You’re out of town, Jay. Remember?”

“Yeah,” he said, clearly distracted as he thumbed into his text messages and started checking them.

“You’re on vacation.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Don’t make me throw the phone off a bridge myself.”

He blinked and looked at me. “What?”

I plucked at his phone until he released it. I turned it off and stuffed it into the back pocket of my jeans. “You’re on vacation, mister. With your fiancee. And her family. You’re not available to work.”

“I know,” he said, but I heard the defensive tone and I grinned at him. “I could still take a call,” he continued. “Give them a name to chase. That kind of thing.”

“Vacation,” I repeated, pulling him down to kiss me again.

“And I don’t even know what Phil wants.”

“Vay-cay-shun.” I tangled my fingers in his hair and pulled him firmly to my mouth. He grunted softly and sank back against the truck to hold me close. His surrender came with the added bonus of his full attention, so I savored it, leaning in and tasting his lips. 

After a few minutes of slow kissing, Jason pulled his head back just enough to gasp, “Okay, if we’re going to go back inside, I need to stop.”

“Why?” 

He glared at me and shifted so I could feel his hips--and his erection--against me. He raised his eyebrows meaningfully. 

“Oh.” I grinned up at him. “That would be awkward.”

He nodded slowly, then his eyes softened and he sighed quietly. “It’s gonna be a long vacation, isn’t it?”

“You did want to be more chaste.”

“I didn’t say I  _ wanted _ to be. Just that I was  _ trying _ .” He kissed me again, lingering. “Not doing a very good job of it, either.”

I sighed and patted his chest, resigned. “Okay, fine. Let’s get you iced down and back inside with popcorn and wine. I think Mom’s got some still.”

Jason chuckled, “Your mom drinks wine?”

“Are you kidding? It’s her fault I drink.” I paused and thought about that sentence. “That came out wrong.” Jason just laughed.

 

When we came back inside for movie number two, Jason’s phone rang from my back pocket. He reached for it and I turned away quickly, “Nope. Vacation. Sit.” I pointed at the loveseat and took the phone out to answer it. “Jason Crouse’s phone.”

“Hilde!” he sputtered.

There was a very long pause on the other end of the line before a female voice said carefully, “Is Jason available?”

“Jason’s on vacation,” I replied. “I’m his answering service. Can I take a message?” Jason lunged for the phone and I spun away quickly with a grin.

The woman on the phone was very quiet for a while before she said, “N-no. That’s okay. I’ll… just call back.”

I paused and pulled the phone away. I hadn’t bothered to check who had called and was a little stunned to realize it was Alicia. “Ms. Florrick,” I finally managed to say and Jason froze. When I looked up at him, he was almost ghost white and his eyes were huge. “Was there a message I can pass? Or would you like to schedule an appointment to call back?”

“Hilde,” Jason said softly. “Give me the phone.”

I closed my eyes. I took a slow, deep breath and let it back out again. “No.”

“It could be work.”

I took the phone away from my ear and stared him down. “You’re on vacation. And if it’s not work, you’re still on vacation.”

Distantly, I heard my parents moving discreetly away into another room and Jason and I both sighed, frustrated with each other. “I can fight my own battles on this.”

“I know you can,” I replied. “I’m just not sure you will.”

I could hear Alicia’s voice drifting up from the phone: “Hello? Are you still there?”

I clenched my jaw and lifted my chin, meeting his eyes. “Will you?”

Jason held out one hand for the phone with a glare. “Yes.”

We stared at each other for a moment before I put the phone in his palm. He closed his eyes for a moment, then lifted it. “Alicia, it’s Jason. What’s up?” He turned away from me and slipped outside to stand on the porch. I collapsed into myself on the loveseat. 

When it was quiet in the living room for a while, Mom came back in and stroked my hair gently. I scooted over so she could sit on the loveseat beside me. She sat and pulled my head into her lap, still stroking my hair. “You okay?” she asked softly.

“Figures we’d have our first fight here,” I whispered. She kept stroking my hair until I relaxed. “I’m okay.”

“Your hair’s getting long again,” she murmured, twisting her fingers gently into the long strands. 

“I need a cut. The ends are all frizzy.”

“Want me to call Cindy? She’d be happy to see you. It’s been ages since she cut your hair.”

“Yeah, I think I was twelve,” I chuckled. “No, I’m okay. I’ll get it done when we get home.” Mom’s fingers continued to comb through my hair and I closed my eyes with a sigh. “It’s not usually like this. Seriously, this is the first time we’ve even argued.”

“You don’t have to defend your relationship to me, Hilde,” she said softly. 

The front door opened and Jason came back in, his face closed. I scrambled into a sitting position and tried to hide my own worry. Finally, he looked up at my mother and smiled, though it wasn’t a real smile. “I’m sorry about that. I guess I’m too tired for another movie.” He glanced at me, “You can stay up if you want. I’m just... tired.”

I climbed to my feet and approached him, reached for his hands. He gave them to me without meeting my eyes and pulled him a little closer. “Do you want to be alone?” I asked softly.

“Not really,” he whispered back and his voice shook. 

I leaned up and kissed him gently. He didn’t exactly kiss me back, but he wasn’t unreceptive, either. Mostly, he seemed to be shaking. I turned away to hug my mother. “I think that’s it for us. See you in the morning?” 

“Sleep well, honey,” she answered and hugged me tight. “Don’t forget to give Earl a hug, too.”

“I won’t.” I curled my fingers through Jason’s and gave him a little tug toward the spare bedroom. “C’mon.” He followed me silently and once we had the bedroom door closed, I turned back to watch his face, letting my worry show through more. “Jay?”

He hugged me hard. He dragged me right to him and buried his face in my shoulder. “I love you,” he whispered and his voice sounded broken. I closed my eyes and hugged him back. I gave him a little pull until he came to sit with me on the fold-out bed. He flopped over onto his back and I snuggled up beside him, just staying close and waiting. “It wasn’t about work.” I closed my eyes and pushed my face into his shirt, not wanting him to see the fear on my face. His fingers worked slowly up into my hair. I felt him take a long, deep breath before continuing. “I told her about us. I told her I’m not available. Ever.” He paused and his little laugh after that trembled. “It was harder than I thought it would be.”

I stayed where I was, my face still pressed into his shirt. My mind was spinning in circles and I felt half-choked with fear and spiraling invasive thoughts of how this was over, our whole relationship was going to crash and burn, how I’d never be enough. I struggled with the thoughts, trying to focus on what he had actually said, that he had ended things with Alicia. For good. I let out a little gasp and felt him turn toward me. “I’m okay,” I whispered. “I’m fine.”

“No, you aren’t.” He slipped one hand under my face and tilted it toward him. “Hilde, look at me.” I gasped again, almost a hiccup, and looked at him. Jason’s eyes were intent and I was surprised to see some tears there. “I love you,” he repeated, almost fiercely. “And I don’t just say that. It’s over with us, with me and Alicia. Over. I love you. There’s only me and you.”

I leaned against his hand and closed my eyes. “I know. I’m sorry about before. I’m sorry about now. I didn’t… I don’t…” I heard Jason sigh and I looked at him, embarrassed. “It isn’t that I don’t trust you. Because I do. I just… I was kidding around and it got serious all of a sudden. I didn’t mean to do that.”

Jason’s thumb brushed over my cheek and he smiled at me. “It’s okay. You were right. I should have just let you take the call. Because I’m on vacation. And I now feel like I fucked up the night.” Before I could say anything else, he pulled out his phone, flicked it over to vibrate, and pressed it into my hands. “It rings, do what you did, if you feel like it. Or let it go to voicemail. It’ll be there when we get home.”

“I hate answering the phone,” I whispered and he grinned.

“I know. Me, too.”

 

I woke up the next morning with Nefret sitting on my feet and Jason’s cheek pressed into my chest. He was sound asleep and I looked down at him in amusement. I seldom slept on my back, but being somewhere other than home tended to make me nervous. It took me a moment to locate my left arm, since it had fallen entirely numb underneath Jason’s shoulder and I shifted, then bit my lip hard on an agonized sound as feeling started to come back to the floppy limb.

He shifted and muttered something inarticulate before turning his face downward. There was a brief pause and I heard him mumble, “Am I face-down in your boob?”

“Yes,” I confirmed quietly. 

“That’s one way to wake up,” he chuckled. Jason shifted to rest his chin on my breast instead. “Good morning.”

“Ow, sharp chin,” I complained and shifted to get him to move. 

“It is not, you baby,” he snickered and rubbed his chin back and forth across my skin. I writhed and giggled, swatting at him to stop. He did, but not before taking my nipple between his lips and flicking it lightly with his tongue. He rolled onto his back with a contented sigh and threw one arm over his eyes. “Y’know… I used to be an insomniac. And then I met you.”

I poked him in the ribs and he chuckled, writhing away from my finger. “Are you saying I’m boring?”

“No.” Jason smiled and rolled toward me, pulled me into a tight hug and kissed my forehead. “I’m saying that the shit that used to bother me at night doesn’t anymore.” He snuggled close to me for a few minutes, then paused and pulled back to look at me. “I can’t believe you slept naked at your parents’ house, with a man you’re not married to, with the door open.”

I blinked and looked down with a sigh. “Not again. I know I went to bed with clothes on.”

“You strip in your sleep?”

“If I’m too warm, yeah.” I leaned and kissed him before leaning out of the bed to hunt down my nightshirt. I found it forced into a nest-shape with Nefret sitting in the middle of it and glaring at me. “The cat’s got it now. I’m screwed.”

Jason grabbed me by the hips and dragged me back into the bed. “Well, if that’s the direction you want to go with this conversation…”

“The door is still open,” I giggled.

“We could close it.”

“Which side would you want Nefret on? Because she’s going to scream like the dying either way.”

He settled for wrapping himself around me and kissing my neck. “Cock blocked by a cat.”

“And not for the first time.” I wiggled until I could push my nose against the hollow of his throat. “We should probably get up.” 

“Why?”

“Because we’re talking and giggling and that always sounds suspicious.” Nefret let out an irritated yowl. “And someone has to feed the cat.” I smiled when Jason sighed in exasperation. “I warned you. We’re a package deal.”

“Buy one wife, get one annoying cat free?”

I snorted and kissed him. “Considering I’m here freely and Nefret probably wouldn’t have chosen to move… I think you bought the affections of one annoying cat and got a wife in the deal.”

Jason let out a long sigh and rolled me over onto my back, pressing me into the sheets. He kissed me soundly, one hand on the side of my face. “I really like that word.”

“Which one?” I teased and darted my tongue out to lick the end of his nose.

He gave me an amused glare, then kissed me again. “Wife. Never thought I’d care for it much. But now…” He traced my eyebrow with his thumb and smiled. “I kinda like it.” His lips brushed mine slowly and I sighed, letting my fingers tangle in his hair. I leaned up quickly to press into the kiss, pulling a low groan out of him. “Well, something’s getting up,” he mumbled against my mouth and I laughed.

Nefret wailed again and Jason grunted in surprise when she jumped up to land on his back. “Baby,” I sighed, looking at her over his shoulder. “You have terrible timing.” She leaned down to scream in my face. “So much for that.”

“She told you.” The cat immediately turned her head when Jason spoke and repeated her death-waking scream directly into his ear. He grunted again and flinched away, sending her flying off the bed and into the other room. “Ow.”

“She told us both,” I giggled. I kissed him quickly and retrieved my nightshirt from under the bed. “There should be coffee by now, at least.”

Jason let out an annoyed groan and climbed out of bed, searching for his own shirt. Once I was decent enough for family, I curled up on the bed and watched him, appreciating the curve of his bare shoulders and the way his pajama pants hung low on his hips. “At least there’s coffee,” he sighed. When he walked past me, pulling his shirt over his head, I reached one hand out and quickly gave his pants a sharp tug. They slipped down and he looked down at them as they pooled around his ankles. “Hilde. Why are my pants on the floor?”

“I think I put them there,” I replied with interest. “Maybe you need a belt.”

He sighed and pulled them up again, just in time to find my hand cupping his bare butt. He gave me a long stare over his shoulder, then smiled and shook his head. “You are terrible.”

“But you love me anyway.”

“Yes.” Jason leaned down and kissed me slowly. “I do.”


	6. Chapter 6

Mom was already at the coffee pot, pouring herself a mug. When Jason and I wandered in, she looked up, smiled, and poured too more mugs. She greeted us with the coffee extended and waited until we’d each had a second to drink some before she spoke: “Good morning. Did you sleep well?”

Jason smiled and tilted his head. “You deliberately waited.”

“I know better than to speak before Hilde’s consumed coffee.” She turned away to collect her own mug again. “She is my kid, after all.”

I grinned, found a spot on one of the spinning bar stools beside the snack bar and perched with my coffee under my nose. “Thank you, mother.”

“You’re welcome, child.”

Jason chuckled and leaned on the counter to sip his coffee. “I slept very well, thank you.”

“Jason was just telling me how boring I am,” I added with a challenging grin.

“I didn’t…!” he sighed and hung his head down, chin to his chest. “I never said that.”

“You said I’m a cure for insomnia,” I razzed him, still grinning.

Mom looked at us in amusement, her eyebrows arched. “Oh, this should be good,” she murmured into her mug.

Jason leveled a finger at me and squinted down it, trying to look menacing over the rims of his glasses. “Listen, you. I was trying to pay you a compliment. I suffered before you. Now I actually sleep. I sleep through the night and wake up feeling like I actually slept.” I gave him my cutest grin and he dropped his hand with a sigh. “I give up.”

“It’s probably for the best,” Mom put in with a nod. “What do you want for breakfast?”

“I think I heard something about rolls that are best warm with fresh coffee?” Jason looked at me and raised his eyebrows. 

“Oh, shit,” I gasped. “I forgot the rolls!” I ran for the driveway and the truck while my mother and Jason stood and watched. 

“Is she going outside like that?” I heard Jason ask. 

Mom answered calmly, “Yup.”

I retrieved the plastic bag of rolls and returned to the kitchen, exaggerating a shiver. “It’s not warm out there.”

“You could have at least put socks on,” Jason pointed out. “Or, y’know. Pants.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” I handed the bag to Mom.

“Hilltop!” she cheered and removed one giant cinnamon roll from the bag before putting the others in the refrigerator. “I have taught you well.” She quartered it and stuck it in the microwave, then returned to the counter. “So, Jason,” she said, getting comfortable. “We gave you a break from the interrogation last night because you’d been driving all day. But now that you’ve slept and had some coffee and there’s breakfast on the way, you’re not escaping again.”

“I feel like I need a blindfold and a last cigarette,” Jason chuckled.

“You start smoking, everything’s off,” I informed him and sipped my coffee.

“Good to know.”

The microwave beeped and Mom retrieved the roll, distributing it to the center of the counter so we could all reach. “So, we’ll start with something easy. Where are you from?”

“Hilde thinks I’m German.”

I glared at him and poked him with my toe. “Don’t dodge.”

Mom chuckled. “With a last name like ‘Crouse,’ I can see her reasoning. How is it spelled?” When he told her, she considered and shrugged. “I could have guessed K-R-A-U-S. Which is much more German.” 

Jason peeled the outer layer of a piece of cinnamon roll off, then chewed on one end thoughtfully. “I suppose. To answer the actual question before Hilde comes across the counter at me, I’m from New Jersey.”

“Family?” Mom sipped her coffee.

Jason grinned. “Yes.” I swatted at him while Mom laughed. He caught my wrist and pulled me close to him for a second to kiss me. “Fine, I’ll be good.”

“That would be a new development.”

“It would,” he agreed. “My mother is living in New Jersey still. My father died when I was still in college. I have two younger brothers, one in New Jersey near Mom and the other in Colorado.”

Mom looked thoughtful and swirled her coffee slowly. “So, you went to college. Major?”

“Pre-law.” Jason rinsed down the cinnamon roll and winked at me over the coffee mug. 

“No wonder!” Mom laughed. “Did you finish?”

“Mom!”

“It’s a legitimate question,” she shot back. “Not every intelligent person who attends school finishes for a variety of reasons.”

Jason chuckled and took another piece of cinnamon roll. “I did finish. Managed it with decent grades and without changing my major more than twice.”

“So, you’re a lawyer?” 

He smirked and shook his head, “Not anymore. It’s a shit job with terrible hours.”

“Sounds like banking,” Mom snorted. She examined the bottom of her mug and sighed. “More coffee?”

“I’m good,” Jason smiled.

“Yes, please,” I beamed and held out my mug.

She gave me a narrow stare. “You know where the pot is.” She turned away and headed for the coffee pot while Jason laughed at my pathetic expression. “So, if you used to be a lawyer and aren’t anymore, what do you do now?” Before Jason could open his mouth, she turned around quickly and pointed at him. “And don’t say ‘Hilde’ because that’s between the two of you and I as her mother don’t need to hear about it.”

Jason and I exchanged a mortified glance and he cleared his throat. “I’m an investigator.”

Mom looked back with interest. “Really? With the whole deerstalker hat and pipe?”

“Now there’s a costume I’d love to see,” I giggled.

“But I’m not allowed to smoke,” Jason protested and grinned at me. “Usually, there’s no dress code. Unless I’m trying to blend in somewhere, I can spend my days in jeans and comfortable boots without much issue.”

“That part really makes me jealous,” I added. I circled the counter to refill my coffee mug and kissed Jason’s shoulder as I passed. 

“So do you work for an agency or…?”

“I’m freelance.” Jason took another sip of coffee. “I contract nonexclusively with a few of the legal firms in Chicago and take on private cases when they come up. It’s actually how I met Hilde in the first place.”

Mom leaned forward with a bright grin. “Do tell.”

Jason chuckled. “I was working a case on an inheritance dispute and needed the original obit information. And the library had moved the microfiche machine.”

“Just goes to show you hadn’t been into that branch in months,” I retorted from the coffee pot as I poured creamer into my mug. “They moved the microfiche two months before that.”

“I was in the neighborhood,” Jason said with a shrug. “I’m glad I was.”

As I came back around, I stood on my toes to kiss him and he leaned down to accommodate. “Me, too.”

“So, librarian and detective. Match made in heaven.” Mom nibbled some cinnamon roll to hide her grin when we both blushed. “What are your plans now?”

Jason looked a little surprised, then considered the question carefully. He glanced at me and I shrugged, leaving what he said entirely up to him. “Well,” he started slowly, “I’ve got a family thing sometime in November. And I was thinking about taking a long vacation right after that.” He glanced at me with a lift of his lips. “Not sure where yet.”

Mom watched his face, then let a slow smile creep across her lips. “You’re obfuscating.”

Jason twitched and looked up. With a little laugh, he asked, “Did you just use ‘obfuscate’ in a sentence? Unironically?”

“And you’re still doing it.” Mom smiled. “Jason, I’m asking as a mother. What are your plans?”

We glanced at each other and he smiled. “I was hoping to marry your daughter in November. Assuming things get organized in time.”

Mom grinned wildly and came around the counter to hug him tightly. “That’s what I thought was going on here. Good.” When Jason hugged her back, I saw an almost pained expression on his face. Maybe it was relief. I could hear her whisper something, but not enough to understand. I knew better than to try, too. It wasn’t for me. Mom let him go and stood back, wiping a few errant tears from her face. “Don’t let Hilde’s dad scare you. And try not to laugh at him when he tries because he will try.” She looked over at me, then rushed to wrap me in a crushing hug. “Agh, I’m so happy.” My mother leaned back and cupped her hands to my cheeks, tears standing in her eyes. “Are you doing a quiet one again?”

“No,” I admitted in a small voice. “We want you there. Still small, but we’re having an actual wedding.” I glanced at Jason, who was grinning. “In a church and everything.”

Mom looked at me, then back at Jason and back to my face. “Church. You’re going to church.”

“Not a protestant one,” I said quickly. “But yeah. I am.”

She hugged me again and I felt my mother lose what was left of her cool. “Thank you, God,” she whispered against my shoulder, rocking me. I could feel my face coloring and saw Jason’s amused smile over her shoulder. “Where?”

“Saint George Greek Orthodox,” Jason said. When Mom looked back at him in surprise, he smiled carefully. “My parish church. We’ve met with Father David to set some things up, but there’s still a lot of planning left.”

Mom let her eyes linger on Jason’s face for a moment, then looked back at me, her eyebrows worried. “Greek Orthodox? Honey…”

“It’s okay, Mom. They do mixed marriages. I’ve been going for a while and I like it there. They’re good people.”

“You’re really sure about this?”

I let my eyes slip from her face to Jason’s over her shoulder and couldn’t keep a smile inside. “Yeah. I’m really sure about this. It’s different, but not painfully so.”

“And I’m not as devout as some,” Jason added in a soft voice. “Obviously.”

“Wow.” Mom sat back and leaned against the counter for a second. “Talk about a roller coaster. From meeting my daughter’s roommate to meeting my daughter’s fiancee, all in the course of one breakfast.”

“Mmph.” Jason nodded, his mouth stuffed full of cinnamon roll.

Mom looked from the empty plate to my fiancee’s chipmunk’ed cheeks. “Did you eat that entire quarter?”

“Mo.” Crumbs flew when Jason tried to deny the obvious. He took a sip of coffee, only to lose more crumbs. 

“Swallow first,” Mom chuckled. When Jason had cleared his mouth of stolen cinnamon roll and his beard of crumbs, Mom reached for him to hug him again. “You’re a good man, Jason. I’m glad you’re here.”

“Thank you,” he whispered as he returned the hug. “I’m glad to be here, too.”

 

“I’m going for a run,” I announced once the coffee and roll had settled in my stomach.

“You’re going to leave me alone with your mother,” Jason asked and pulled me to him for a kiss. “Brave woman.”

“You could always come with me,” I teased. 

Jason shuddered. “Ugh. Sweat? For no reason? No thanks.” He kissed me again quickly. “There’s coffee here.”

I grinned and shook my head. “Be good, then.” I hugged Mom and went into the spare room to change. Nefret had curled up in a fluffy ball between our pillows and was sound asleep until the door opened. She opened one eye to glare at me, then turned around and fluffed her tail over her face again. “Pretty girl,” I murmured to her. 

There was a city-maintained park not far from my parents’ house where I usually ran when I came to visit, so I headed there. The morning was brisk and fresh without being too cold and I waved to a few neighbors I knew as I passed. It felt good to be home. I fell comfortably into a pace I could maintain for a while and headed off into the running trails with my earbuds firmly in place.

About twenty minutes into my intended hour run, I got the distinct sensation that I was being followed. My headphones weren’t noise cancelling, so occasionally I heard snippets of sound: footsteps, leaves rustling. When I looked back, there was no one behind me on the trail, though at least once I’d seen a figure retreating into the brush. After the third such instance, I pulled out my earbuds on one side and continued running. It took a lot to maintain my speed, but I wasn’t about to let one smartass on the trail freak me out into ruining a perfectly good run.

“Hilde?” The voice came from behind me and I sighed, paused the run tracker on my phone, and turned back to look. A man about my age stood there, looking uncertain and a little lost. “Is that you?”

“Obviously, since I stopped,” I replied evenly. I scanned his face and tried to remember why I knew him. He was familiar, but only just, as if I’d known him when he was much younger. Finally, the family resemblance settled into place and I felt my heels hit the trail as I came off my toes. “Jared.”

“Yeah,” Jared said nervously and gave me a little wave. He was dressed in running clothes, too, so I assumed I had just interrupted his run as much as he had interrupted mine. “Been a while.”

“Yeah.” I considered just ending the conversation there and continuing my run. In a lot of ways, I really wanted to do that, no matter how rude it might seem. But I felt like I didn’t owe Jared anything: I had dated his older brother in college and it had ended rather ruinously. “Aren’t you kind of far from home? Or did you move to Iron Mountain?”

“Hillary and I live on C street,” he said, indicating the road one over from my mother’s. “My wife. Where are you now?”

“Chicago,” I said. “I’m just home for a visit with my fiancee.”

“Oh. Congratulations.” Jared paused and gave me a nervous smile. “You’re doing well?”

I shrugged and nodded. “As to be expected, living in Chicago. I haven’t died yet. You?”

“Pretty good.” He shuffled his feet, looked down, then looked up again with a big breath and I held myself still, waiting for it. “Rory really misses you.”

“Rory has had fifteen years to get his head out of his ass,” I replied calmly. “I’m really not interested in holding his hand through life, Jared.”

He nodded without looking at me. “I know. It’s just… he was actually happy when you were there. Like, the only time I’ve ever seen him actually happy.”

I sighed. “Fifteen years,” I repeated in a low voice. “And oh, right, did I mention my fiancee? If Rory wants to talk, he should have done it himself and a long time ago.” When Jared still didn’t look up, I stepped over and hugged him for the boy he’d been fifteen years ago. “I’m sorry, Jared. I really am. But your brother’s happiness is not my problem.” 

“I know,” he said softly, then gave me a small smile. “Have a good run, Hilde.”

“You, too, Jared.” I waited until he was headed off in the opposite direction, then resumed my run tracker and returned to the path.

Rory and I had dated for a little over a year during my sophomore year of college in Marquette. He’d been my first steady boyfriend, my first love in a lot of ways. But we had been fundamentally ill-suited to each other: he was afraid of being physically close to me and I had been too pushy about emotional and physical needs. I had ended it with an ultimatum, a mistake I had learned from. From the things I’d heard about him since the end of our relationship, he had never really gotten any better than he had been while we were dating and I was mostly glad I’d left. Mostly. Because there was still a seed of someone I loved in there and it hurt to know how badly I had hurt him, too.

I didn’t realize how hard I was pushing myself until I almost tripped over a fallen branch in the path. I slowed down and gasped, suddenly aware that I had been nearly sprinting for at least five minutes. I never moved that fast for that long, especially when I was planning on a maintenance run. I slowed down to a walk and struggled to catch my breath, irritated with myself. I’d let thoughts of the past get in the way of my awareness of my own body.  _ Or you’re running from your memories. _

I shook my head to clear the thoughts and turned back toward my parents’ house for a shower and maybe another cup of coffee before we discussed visiting my dad. As I neared the house, I saw Jason standing on the porch and felt a warm bubble bursting in my chest. He looked completely at ease, his coffee mug sitting by his hand as he leaned his elbows against the railing and watched the morning doves fighting over the fallen birdseed under the feeder. As if I’d needed a reminder of all the good things in my life, he was standing right there and waiting for me.

“Good run?” he asked as I came up the steps and dropped down to stretch my legs.

“Mostly,” I smiled. “Ran into an old friend. Those are always awkward.” I reached down to hook my fingers around my toes and pulled to stretch out my hamstrings. 

“We’ve been enjoying the morning,” Jason said. He sat down on the step just below mine and sipped from his coffee. “Your mom made more coffee, if you want some.”

“Always,” I sighed happily and leaned to kiss his cheek. “Right after a shower.”

“Pffew.” He waved a hand over his nose and made a face. “Good idea.” I stuck my tongue out at him and he grinned, caught me with one hand behind my neck and pulled me down to kiss him. “Want company?”

“That might be more than my family’s ready for,” I murmured back. “But I appreciate the offer.”

“Anytime.” He kissed me again. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with some dark themes. Please read with caution if you're triggered by BDSM, bondage, D/s situations or similiar issues. While there is some racy talk in this chapter, there is no smut.

After my shower, I called my dad and made arrangements to meet him at Taco Bell for dinner. When Jason raised an eyebrow at me, I waved a hand until I could finish the call. “Yeah, I love you, too, Dad.” I ended the call and looked up at Jason. “What?”

“Taco Bell?”

“The dogs make conversation difficult.” 

“So the solution is Taco Bell?”

I blushed. “It’s cheaper than going to a restaurant and I’m craving a burrito.” While Jason laughed at me, I worked my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest for a moment. “Besides. Dad and I did Taco Bell and a movie as a father/daughter date thing for years. It’s kind of tradition.” 

Jason wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. “If you say so.” We stood like that for a little longer and I just focused on breathing him in. He smelled good, like home: coffee and cinnamon, the lingering smell of his deodorant and his own skin underneath. I let out a long sigh, just as Jason did the same. He stroked my hair and let his lips rest against the top of my head. “I love you,”  he whispered.

“I know,” I smiled back up at him and he snorted in amusement. “You must,” I added quickly, “because you’re here, suffering through some of the most uncomfortable conversations known to mankind. The Future In-Laws.” I wiggled my fingers at him and added a little “wooooo” sound. “And I know how much you hate being uncomfortable.”

“Sure,” he murmured, “laugh at me. Just don’t expect any comfort when my mom is dragging you through Macy’s and trying to dress you like an appropriate wife.”

“Oh hell.”

“Oh hell,” he agreed and kissed my nose with a grin.

I sighed and relaxed against his chest again, thinking. “Is that going to be a problem?”

“Mmm?” Jason hugged me closer and rocked a little.

“My being an ‘appropriate wife.’ Because I’m really not appropriate by anybody’s standards.” I worried my bottom lip with my teeth, my mind starting to spin.

“If you were an appropriate wife, Hilde, I don’t think I’d be in love with you.” Jason reached down to tip my face up to his and smiled at me. “You’re the appropriate wife for me. And that’s all I really care about.” He leaned down and kissed me slowly. I let myself melt into that kiss, holding onto him and tasting the last little bits of coffee and cinnamon roll on his lips. Secure and safe in his arms, I never wanted to let go. 

Movement behind me brought me back into awareness and I sighed when Mom said, “Eeeeeew.” Jason chuckled and lowered his forehead to mine with a sigh. “Get a room!” Mom hooted and waved her hands at us as she walked by.

“We still could,” Jason said, matter-of-factly. “It was just cheaper this way.”

Mom smiled and shook her head. “You know I’m kidding.”

“I dunno,” Jason replied. “I didn’t see a scorecard this time.”

“Do you need a scorecard?” Mom asked, teasing. “Every time? I can just see Hilde scribbling notes and giving you a post-game report.”

“Mom!” I cried, blushing. Jason had buried his face in my shoulder and was smothering hysterical laughter, his shoulders shaking. “I can’t believe this,” I muttered in his ear.

“Neither can I,” he gasped, his voice squeaking into a higher register than normal from suppressed laughter. “First she says she doesn’t want details, then she verbally imagines them.” Because neither of us could manage to look at her, my mother had continued to dramatize her thoughts, scripting out what could be said during critique of sexual encounters. “Linda,” Jason finally gasped out, holding one hand out to her. “Please. Enough. I can’t breathe.”

Mom beamed at us like a naughty child. “Aw, are you blushing?”

“I’m sure I am,” Jason laughed weakly. “You’d make anyone blush, talking like that.”

“Hilde, show me your face,” Mom said, tugging on my shoulder.

“Nope,” I replied, pushing my face deeper into Jason’s chest. 

Mom laughed. “Okay, okay, fine. I’ve got some errands to run and I’ll leave you alone for a while.”

“Where’s Earl?” I asked, suddenly realizing that my stepfather hadn’t been around all morning.

“He went up to see Bitsy for a while,” Mom said as she collected her jacket and purse. 

“His mother,” I explained to Jason, who made a silent “ah.”

Mom paused to study us and grinned. “I’ll probably go up that way after my errands. Probably won’t be back until…” she glanced at her watch, “three? Ish?” When I made a face at her, she grinned again and winked. “We’ll see you later.”

“Bye, Mom,” I called after her in a beleaguered tone. 

We held very still until we heard the garage door close and the car’s engine fade down the street. As soon as the engine faded, Jason’s hand snaked around the back of my head and he pulled me into a kiss hard enough that our teeth clicked together. I moaned, unable to hold it in as my arms wrapped around his neck and his fingers tangled into my hair. “I should very much like to fuck you senseless,” he growled in my ear and I laughed. 

“With or without a post-game report?” I murmured back.

Jason’s fingers fisted into my hair and he tugged, just enough to tip my head back. “Mention your mother again and I’ll spank you purple.”

I laughed and relaxed against his hands, letting his hand around my lower back hold me up while the tension in my hair supported my neck. “Do you promise?”

His laugh was surprised and low as he kissed his way down my neck. “Very bad girl!” 

“How have you not noticed that I’ve all but asked for spankings?” I giggled.

“Oh, I’ve noticed,” Jason chuckled, his lips just below my ear. He ran the tip of his tongue along the edge of my ear and I shivered. “Just wasn’t sure how serious you were about that.”

I tugged my head forward against his hand and grinned at him, my eyes only half-open. “Want to find out?”

Jason lifted his head from my neck and stared at me, his eyes very dark as he watched my face seriously. “Yes,” he whispered. His hand at my back slowly slid down the slope of my lower back until he cupped my butt firmly and held me closer to him. “How serious are you?”

I relaxed against him, let him pull one of my thighs up until I could hook my ankle around the back of his knee. “I like moderate spanking,” I whispered back. “To the edge of pain but not too far beyond. Too much and I’ll tell you.” 

“How much experience do you have with this kind of thing?” he asked me and I could hear the growl in his voice in addition to feeling it through my hands on his chest. 

“I spent a year and a half as a pet in a dedicated D/s poly relationship,” I murmured. 

“Holy shit.” Jason did a double take, eyebrows raised. “Really?”

I found myself blushing and I tucked my chin, feeling shy suddenly. “Really.” When he didn’t say anything further at first, I put my foot back on the floor and shifted nervously. “It… wasn’t the healthiest situation.”

“Why haven’t I heard about this before?” Jason stroked my face slowly and tried to use one thumb to tilt my head up, but I pulled down, refusing to look up. “Hilde?”

“It’s not something I’m proud of,” I said quickly and pulled away from him. It had seemed like such a good idea a minute ago and now I couldn’t even seem to think about taking my clothes off. I hugged myself and turned back toward the kitchen. “Was there still coffee?”

I heard Jason sigh behind me and his hand brushed the back of my arm. “Hilde, don’t. Wait a minute.” I kept moving toward the coffee pot and he caught up with me there, his arms curling around me and pulling me back to his chest while he kissed the side of my face. “I’m not judging. It just caught me off guard.” I held very still, a little surprised at the storm of thoughts and emotion bouncing around the inside of my head. Jason reached up and brushed my hair back from my forehead. “If you want to talk about it, I’d like to hear about it. If not, that’s okay, too.” He kissed my temple gently. “I love you. I want to know about you.”

“Are you sure?” I asked softly.

“Yes.”

I took a long, slow breath. “Then let’s get some coffee and settle in. It’s kind of a long story.” Jason kissed my shoulder, letting his cheek lean against mine for a second, then let me go and picked up his mug. 

 

_ I’ve told you about Rory, my boyfriend my sophomore year. After we broke up, I spent a lot of time just sort of wandering the dating scene in college. I was still hurting and a little vindictive. I was profoundly tired of being a good girl. So I started looking for ways to shock. A friend of mine was into bondage and told me about some of her adventures in the local scene. It sounded like fun and I couldn’t think of much that was more shocking than that, really.  _

_ She introduced me to her Dom, a guy named Drew who lived just outside of town in the same apartment complex that Sara did. He was engaged to a girl who was also his sub, Carolyn, but they had an open relationship. Their rules seemed to be, essentially, that he got to play with whoever he wanted and still came home to her at the end of it. She was… damaged. In a lot of ways. But she loved him and he was willing to marry her to keep her happy. _

_ So I went over for a playdate. Just to see if it was something I wanted to try. I enjoyed it. And he liked me. So did Carolyn, actually, which was sort of an awesome thing for her: she was bi but didn’t get along with girls much. They offered me a spot in the relationship and in the house. I could live there and Drew would use me when he needed, since Carie wasn’t always up for play.  _

_ There were rules. No locks on my door. If Drew said “drop ‘em,” my clothes came off, no questions. We negotiated safe words at the beginning of any dedicated session. I was allowed to say I wasn’t up for it if I wanted, but there was no guarantee of clemency. I didn’t have to be exclusive, as long as I was safe.  _

_ It was fun. For a while. Until things started to go south with Carie and Drew. Eventually, she moved out, broke off the engagement, moved back downstate. And it left me with a grieving man on my hands and a relationship I hadn’t agreed to. I became his sub and I didn’t really want to be his only sub. I mean, I cared about him. He was a friend. But I didn’t love him like he wanted me to. So I held him when he cried about her and submitted when he needed to spank someone. I ended up submitting to a lot of things I wasn’t very comfortable with. But I justified it to myself by saying “he needed it.” _

_ Things really started to go downhill that spring. I was working part time and Drew was driving me in, since I didn’t have a car of my own. He started getting more controlling about where I went and when, even if I didn’t have him drive me. He complained I wasn’t home enough when I was skipping out on events with friends to just sit at home because he wanted me there, naked and reading on the couch. He… started ignoring safewords. Claimed he didn’t hear me or that he thought I wasn’t serious. The worst happened during a session where he… left marks.  _

_ I told him it wasn’t fun anymore and he got angry. I told him I hadn’t signed up for this. I told him I wanted to go home. And he said no. So I called my mom when he was at work and she came and got me. Took the day off from work, just showed up at his house with a trailer and helped me pack up all my shit, fast as we could. I was gone when he came home that night. _

 

When I ran out of words, my coffee was cold. I turned the mug in my hands, stared at the depths. Jason leaned forward, set his mug aside and covered my hands with his. “He hurt you,” he said quietly. I nodded without looking up. “I would never hurt you, Hilde.”

I smiled and ducked my face. “I know.”

He just held my hands for a moment, then added, “I don’t think I could hurt you, even if you wanted me to.” I closed my eyes and let out a breath slowly. Jason leaned closer and gently pushed his forehead against mine, our glasses frames tapping. “How badly did he hurt you?”

“Almost put me off kink entirely,” I murmured back. I paused, then peeked up at him with a shy smile. “Almost.”

Jason didn’t smile. His eyes were very serious as he stroked a thumb down my cheek. When he spoke again, his voice was even lower than usual. “How. Badly. Did. He. Hurt. You?”

My breath caught in my chest and I looked at him, alarmed. “Jason,” I started and shook my head a little.

“Tell me.”

We stared at each other for a moment and I felt the panic rising in my chest, coloring my vision and making everything tremble. “Please,” I begged him quietly, “just let it go. Don’t make me talk about it more.”

I watched as his jaw clenched, then relaxed, then clenched again. He was trying and I could see how hard it was for him. Finally, he closed his eyes with a sigh. “The only person I want to hurt right now is him.” When he opened his eyes again, there were tears glossing the surface. “I don’t want to think about what I’d do to someone who hurt you. I really don’t.” His arms snaked around me and I hugged him tightly, still holding my mug of tepid coffee. “I love you so much, Hilde.”

I buried my face in his shoulder and tried not to feel overwhelmed by the memories I’d stirred up. I didn’t want to cry about this. Especially not right now. “My coffee’s cold,” I whispered in his ear and Jason let out a short, bitter laugh.

 

Three o’clock found us tangled together on the couch, watching  _ Shawn of the Dead _ on one of the movie channels. We had consumed the remainder of the pot of coffee and then brewed another one. That one was gone now, too, as was the second cinnamon roll. I had also unearthed a pint of raspberries and a bag of green grapes, which we were slowly working our way through. Jason had one grape half-way into my mouth when Mom and Earl showed up and I almost gagged when we both jumped at the sound of the door. “Sorry,” he chuckled and kissed my cheek.

I coughed sharply and then finished chewing the grape. “My own fault,” I said. 

“Knock knock!” Mom shouted at the entrance to the kitchen before she stuck her head around the mud room door. When she saw us both clothed and snuggling, she grinned. “Have fun?”

“Horror movies,” I informed her, pointing at the TV. “Of course we had fun.”

“Are you eating my raspberries?” Mom asked in indignation when she spotted the half-empty pint.

“I’ll buy you more?” I said hopefully. 

“We ate your grapes, too,” Jason added with a cheerful grin. He had his arms around my waist and one leg looped over my hip, holding me in place. 

Mom chuckled and waved a hand. “I’m just glad you’re feeling more at home.”

“Which horror movie?” Earl asked with interest as he put his jacket in the closet.

“ _ Shawn of the Dead _ ,” I reported.

“Oh, that’s hardly even a horror movie,” my stepfather protested and I giggled.

“When are you meeting your dad?” Mom asked.

“Dinner,” I replied. “Around five. How’s Bitsy?”

“She’s doing well,” Earl said with a smile. “A little shaky on her feet after the fall last month, but feisty as ever. You know Ma.”

“I do,” I grinned. I arched my neck to look at Jason upside-down. “We’ll have to stop so you can meet her before we go home. You’ll like her.” He raised an eyebrow at me and I grinned wider. “She’s like Mama. Only Norwegian.”

“Oh, hell.”

“Careful, that’s my mother you’re talking about,” Earl chuckled and wagged a finger at us.

“Who’s Mama?” Mom asked.

“Tiny little Russian woman.” I put my hands up, fingers curled into claws. “Fierce. Crazy. And only knows about half the words she needs in English, but she’ll still tell you off in Russian if she thinks she needs to.”

“And she usually needs to,” added Jason with a smirk. “She’s at our church.”

“She practically IS our church,” I giggled.

“Also true.”

“Well,” Mom said as she tried to pour herself a mug of coffee. She paused, glared at the empty carafe and set about making more. “I’ll have to send a card thanking her for taking care of my kid, then. It’s good to know someone’s taking you to task when you need it. Even if you can’t understand a word she says.”


	8. Chapter 8

“There’s my kiddo!” I hugged my dad tightly as he stood up from the table at Taco Bell. 

“Hi, Dad,” I grinned at him and kissed his cheek. When he let me go, I stood back and held out a hand to Jason. “Dad, this is Jason Crouse. Jason, my dad, James Wirth.”

Dad turned to Jason and sized him up. And up. And up a little more. The thing about my dad is that he is very short. Barely taller than I am. My mother has him beat by a good five inches. Jason was easily ten inches taller. He smiled at my dad and offered his hand. “Mr. Wirth. Nice to meet you.”

My father studied Jason’s hand for a moment and I wanted to roll my eyes. Slowly, he gave my fiance a careful once-over, then took his hand and gripped it. Overly hard. “Jason. Nice to meet you, too.” He shook his hand again, then let go and gestured to the line. “I’ve already ordered. Take your time.” 

Jason worked his fingers open and closed for a second as we stood in line. “Consider me suitably intimidated,” he murmured softly. “He’s got a grip like a vice.”

“He did tae kwon do for about eight years,” I admitted. “It’s been awhile since he was in practice, though. Are you okay?” I reached to take his hand. Jason made an exaggerated little whining sound and held his crushed hand to his chest. “C’mere, you big baby,” I snickered and pulled his hand down to my lips. 

“Hurts,” Jason pouted and I grinned at the sparkle of amusement in his eyes. 

We ordered our food and Jason paid while I collected soda from the machine. When we had our burritos and cinnamon twists, we returned to Dad’s booth and settled in across from him. “Oops,” I said and popped back up again. “Forgot the hot sauce.” 

“What are your intentions?” I heard my dad hiss as soon as I’d taken three steps away from the booth. I rolled my eyes and sighed. I had known it was going to go like this, so I took my time fiddling with the hot sauce packets until I’d found sayings sufficiently suggestive to make Jason smile before returning.

Jason and Dad were staring at each other, Jason with amusement and my father with a mix of shock and irritation. “Apparently, I am to ask you,” Dad said to me without his eyes leaving Jason’s face, “about your plans for November.”

I looked at Jason and rolled my eyes when he grinned at me. “Seriously? You couldn’t just play along?”

“Nope.”

I sighed and shook my head. “Dad, Jason and I are getting married in November. We could have had a normal conversation over dinner if you hadn’t felt like pushing it, but apparently now we’ll just eat our tacos and look uncomfortable.” I handed the hot sauce to Jason. “Here.”

He looked at the packets and immediately had to slap a hand over his mouth to stifle a laugh. I’d given him the one that read, “Nice pants. Bet they’d look better on my floor.” “You’re trying to kill me,” he muttered as he ripped the corner off and poured it over his burrito.

“It’s only fair,” I grinned, then looked at my dad, who was staring at us in shock.

“You’re getting married. Again?”

“Yes.”

“But…” Dad looked at Jason with an expression somewhere between contempt and distrust on his face. “Who is this guy? You just met him.”

“No, Dad,” I sighed, “you just met him. I’ve known him longer. That’s how this kind of thing works. I introduce you because I already know him?” Jason stuffed a cinnamon twist in his mouth, trying not to laugh or even smile too widely. 

“But who is he?”

“You could ask him,” I shot back. “He is right here, after all.”

“I’m Jason,” said Jason. His cheer was impossibly gleeful.

Dad and Jason regarded each other for a moment and Dad sighed. “I guess I didn’t think I’d be having this conversation again.”

“That I’d just curl up and die when Connor did?” I asked softly.

Dad’s head snapped up and he said, “No!” defensively. He looked at Jason again and his lips twitched sadly. “Okay, maybe I did think that a little. I just didn’t expect anything this soon.”

“It’s been eight years, Dad.”

His face fell. “Has it really?” When I nodded, Dad sighed and put his face in his hands for a second. “I’m sorry. Both of you. I’m sorry. This just… caught me off guard. I’m not handling it well.” When he looked up again, he stared at Jason. “At all.”

Jason’s expression was bemused, if sad. “I’m sorry that I’m not your former son-in-law. I understand you were close.”

Dad blinked, then nodded slowly. “Yeah. We were. I miss him.”

I bit back my reaction and took a second to pick lettuce out of my burrito and eat it. As usual, my father was more than slightly self-absorbed, thinking only of how he missed my husband, rather than considering how much I might have missed him. Connor had always gotten along better with Dad than I had. 

Into the fallen silence, Dad cleared his throat and refocused. “So, Jason! How did you meet Hilde?”

“She helped me with some work-related research at the library,” Jason answered and I noticed that all the play had gone out of his voice. He’d read my father and found him lacking my mother’s sense of humor. “I gave her my card and asked her out for coffee.”

“What kind of work?”

“Investigation. I’m a freelance investigator for a few of the law firms in Chicago. I also take private cases when they come up.” Jason shifted one foot until his knee rested against mine and I smiled.

Dad looked over Jason slowly, then swallowed his mouthful of taco. I braced myself. Something was coming and I didn’t think it was going to be fun. “How old are you? If you don’t mind my asking.”

Jason’s lips pressed together, then curled into something not quite a smile as much as a grimace. “I do mind, but I’m 48. And before you ask, I am aware of the 14-year age gap between myself and your daughter. But she doesn’t mind and I don’t mind, so I can’t see that there’s a reason for you to mind.”

My father looked angry for a moment. “I’m not even old enough to be your father, Jason. I don’t see that this is entirely appropriate.”

“Dad,” I said irritably. “You don’t get a say in the matter. I’m 34. I can make my own choices. I’m not here for your permission to get married. I’m here to introduce to you. And ask you to come to the wedding. Nobody’s forcing you to attend, but it is happening, no matter what you think of it.”

Dad turned to me and waved a hand at Jason. “He’s old enough to be your father, Hilde!”

“He’s not, actually,” I snapped back. “If you’re not old enough to be his father, he’s not old enough to be mine.” I stood up sharply and pushed my way out of the booth. “I can’t do this. I just can’t. I knew this was a bad idea.”

“Hilde,” Jason sighed and I heard him sliding out of the booth after me. He caught up to me just outside the restaurant and his hand touched my elbow. “Stop.” I did and turned back to look at him, trembling a little in frustration. “He loves you. He’s just worried about you.”

“I know,” I growled. “But he does a piss-poor job showing it. He did this with Connor, too. He took him all the way up to the top of the ski jump, Jason. Pine Mountain is the tallest wooden ski jump in the world. THE WORLD.” I waved my hands expansively. “I waited at the bottom, praying to God I wouldn’t see a body falling any second. I wasn’t even sure which one I expected to come down that way.” I paced up and down the sidewalk while Jason watched, his arms crossed over his chest. “We weren’t even engaged then. He was just my boyfriend.” I stopped and pointed angrily back toward where my father was sitting. “He did that to my BOYFRIEND. Connor was only 19.”

Jason winced sympathetically and kept quiet.

“I hate it,” I snarled and resumed my pacing. “I hate this stupid fucking masculine bullshit about how the only man in a girl’s life is her daddy. And how any man who lets his daughter go without a fight is a pussy. I hate it!” I shouted, turning sharply to face Jason.

He put his hands up and shook his head, “Don’t look at me. I don’t even have kids.”

One look at his face was enough to deflate me and I sighed, dropping sideways to lean against him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to rant all over you.”

“I think I have spit on my glasses,” he chuckled. I huffed in frustration and Jason wrapped his arms around me, kissed the top of my head and rocked me gently. “I’m on your side, you know.”

“I know,” I said miserably. I buried my face in his chest and he hugged me tighter. “I just wish… my dad would just accept me as an adult. I’m thirty-four fucking years old and he always makes me feel five.” 

“You’re not five,” Jason said softly, nosing into my hair. “But from what I’ve heard, the daddy’s little girl thing lingers.” He rubbed my back in circles. “Hilde, go talk to him. We haven’t even gotten to the weirdest part of this yet.”

I clenched my eyes shut and gritted my teeth. “I don’t want to. Jason, I’m so close right now to just saying he can’t come. That I don’t want him there. He’s going to spend the whole thing either pining for Mom or worrying about our relationship or grieving his own loneliness. Or worrying about my soul because I’m obviously going to hell for being a Godless fornicating slut like my mother.”

“Shh.” Jason kissed my forehead and hugged me. “Calm down.” I hadn’t realized I was crying until he wiped away tears with his thumb. “Your father loves you, Hilde. That’s why he’s worried about you. Yes, he’s a self-centered prick, but we can all be like that. I don’t blame him for worrying about the age difference. I was worried about it, remember?” He waited until I nodded. “Don’t push him away just because he loves you.”

The door to the restaurant opened and I heard footsteps before my father’s voice whispered, “Hilde?” I felt Jason’s hand on the back of my head, a gentle pressure, a protective presence. After a moment, Dad said, “Jason, I just want to talk to her. Please.” 

Jason waited without speaking and I knew he would stay that way until I moved. I closed my eyes for a minute, then whispered, “Thank you.” I gently pushed against his chest so I could stand up on my own and he let me turn around to face my dad. His arms started to drop, but I leaned back against his chest and hugged his arms so they stayed around my neck. “I’m listening,” I told my father.

Dad came over and stood in front of us, his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “I’m sorry, Hilde. I’m just worried about you. This all came out of nowhere for me. I know I didn’t handle it well when you and Connor told me you were getting married. And I’m not handling this news well, either.” He shifted his feet and looked down. “I just… want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I really am, Dad,” I said softly. “I’m good.” I felt Jason lean down and kissed the top of my head and I closed my eyes with a sigh. “I’m good.” When I opened my eyes again, I saw the look on my father’s face, worry and sadness and so much love. I smiled at him. “I love you, Daddoo.”

“I love you, too.” My dad smiled at me and I felt Jason’s smile against the top of my head. 

“You’ve got his smile,” he whispered and I closed my eyes with a laugh. 

“I do not,” I protested softly and Jason laughed. 

Dad’s eyes were tearful and he shook his head. “I may not know what to do with any of this, but you make her laugh, Jason. And with Linda’s daughter, that means a lot.” He tried to smile, but broke a little and he sniffed, wiping his eyes roughly. He looked up again with a weak laugh. “When’s the wedding?”

“November,” I said with a smile. “We haven’t set a hard date yet, though.”

“In Chicago, I assume.” 

I nodded. 

“Do I get to give you away this time?” 

I exhaled and leaned my head back against Jason’s chest. “Dad…”

“Yes,” Jason said. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Tradition matters. It’s going to be bad enough that my dad can’t be there. We’ll at least have yours.” Dad looked up and tilted his head, obviously not understanding. Jason hugged me tighter and I knew what was coming. “Greek Orthodox fathers both give away their children when they get married,” he said. “My father died when I was 24.”

“Greek…” Dad trailed off and his face went utterly blank. “What?”

I tapped Jason’s arm with a sigh and he let me go. I walked to my father and put my hands on his shoulders. “You are not allowed to have a stroke before my wedding, Dad. Promise me.”

He frowned, still staring at Jason. “But… Greek… What?”

Shaking my head, I hugged my poor baffled father. “Let’s go and talk about this over ice cream.”

 

That night, Jason sat on the edge of the bed in the spare room, staring at the wall with his glasses perched on top of his head. “I think that went well,” he finally said and looked at me over his shoulder with a smile.

“He’s still breathing,” I said as I pulled my nightshirt over my head. “And he said he’d be there. I think it went very well.” I crawled into the bed and stretched out on my back, my arms tucked behind my head. “Thank you. I couldn’t have done that without you.”

Jason stretched out beside me and ran one hand over my stomach then under one hip and pulled me closer. “You wouldn’t have had to without me.” I rolled toward him and he kissed my lips slowly. “But you’re welcome.” He stroked my hair slowly and smiled when I reached up and pulled his glasses from the top of his head. “I’m going to need those.”

“Not nearly as badly as I need mine,” I grinned and put his glasses on top of my own head. 

“True,” Jason agreed and pulled my glassed down my nose until he was a blur of dark shapes. “But you’re kind of cute when you can’t see.” I snorted and I could see his mouth move like he was smiling. “Seriously, that whole unfocused thing really does things. Especially to your eyes. They’re huge without your glasses.” He pulled my glasses the rest of the way off and I saw movement as he set them somewhere. 

“Glasses balance out your face,” I informed him, reaching carefully to touch his cheeks, run my thumbs over his eyebrows, down his nose. “Otherwise, you’d be too perfect.”

He chuckled and kissed my fingers when they were close enough. “Thank you. Now I know you’ve got your glasses off.”

I giggled and leaned in to kiss him. “Bull. You know exactly how good looking you are.”

“I do,” he admitted with a sage nod, rolling backwards so I landed against his chest. “I really do. Women are telling me all the time. Some men, even.” His fingers worked up into my hair and I sighed, letting my eyes slip closed. “I’m really a catch.”

“I know,” I whispered as I relaxed against him and he gently massaged his fingers against my scalp. “Not every guy will play with a girl’s hair.”

Jason chuckled. “Kiss me,” he whispered. 

“Gladly,” I whispered back and leaned down to press my mouth to his.


	9. Chapter 9

Mom hugged me fiercely with a frustrated little squeak. “Do you really have to go back so soon?”

“I have to work sometime,” I grinned at her and kissed her cheek. “Do you want to come down and help plan sometime? You can come see the church, meet Mama.” 

“I’d like that,” Mom smiled, then let me go. “C’mere, you,” she said to Jason and held up her arms. He ducked his head with a smile and stepped into her hug. Mom hugged him and I heard her whisper, “You make her happy. I like that about you.”

“I like that about me, too,” he replied with a grin. 

“Make sure she makes you happy, too,” Mom added as she let him go.

Jason glanced over his shoulder at me and I chewed my lip as he smiled at me, warm and happy. “Yup,” he murmured. “She does that.”

“Good.” Mom patted his shoulder. “Drive safe, you two. Take care of each other.”

“We will.” I smiled and hugged Earl before getting into the driver’s side of the truck. “I’ll text when we’re home, Mom. Love you.”

“Love you, too, sweetie.” Mom waved and we headed home, Jason drumming his fingers on the edge of the door in time with the radio and Nefret purring from her spot behind his head.

 

“You need a break?” Jason asked, letting one hand slide over my thigh. We had about two hours left before we got home and I glanced in the rearview mirror before signalling and aiming for an off ramp. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“I have got to empty that litter box before we go any farther,” I admitted. “The open windows aren’t doing it.”

“Just as well,” he agreed. “I have to piss.”

“Me, too.” I grinned sheepishly. “Too much coffee.”

“No such thing.”

I pulled into a gas station and cut the engine as Jason headed straight for the store. I collected the travel litter box and scooped the offending poo into a trash can. Nefret perched in the windshield and watched me, her tail flicking comfortably across the dash. “I’m so lucky,” I told her as I put the litter box back in the floorboard. “Not everyone gets to travel with such a fragrant and well-tempered creature.” She twitched her whiskers at me and I grinned, rolled the windows up enough to discourage her from jumping out and headed inside to use the bathroom. 

The aisles of snacks and supplies were too tall for me to see over them when I came out again, so I craned my neck to look for the top of Jason’s head. I poked through the snacks when I didn’t see him right away and picked up a candy bar as I wandered toward the cashier’s desk. Jason’s voice drifted to me and I turned toward him, then smiled at myself: like a sunflower to the sun. I came around the end of the aisle and paused. Jason was talking to the cashier, a pretty girl in her late twenties. He smiled and I chewed my lip, trying to remind myself that jealousy was foolish at this point. The cashier couldn’t stop smiling, though, and I knew that expression: it was the same one I’d felt on my face when Jason flirted with me over coffee. 

Tangled inside myself, I started to drift back into the aisle when Jason turned and scanned the room. He saw me and his whole face changed: from cheerfully relaxed to a blinding smile. Behind him, the cashier wilted a little when she saw him moving away. “There you are,” he murmured when he drew near, one hand reaching up to cup my cheek. “I was starting to worry you’d fallen in,” he teased and leaned to kiss me. 

“Nope, still here,” I smiled, letting go of my fears to kiss him back.

“Good.” He let out a small sigh and I could feel some tension going out of him. “You know what I want?”

“What?”

“I want coffee.” He kissed my lips slowly. “And I want homemade pizza.” When I smiled, his lips trailed down to my neck and he whispered, “And I want the cat locked in the bathroom with Fancy Feast and a litter box.” He kissed my neck gently. “And I want you. Naked. In my arms. All to myself. All night.”

I closed my eyes and smiled, leaning against him. “I like that idea. Most of those ideas. You’re just missing one.” 

“Yeah?” he chuckled.

I grinned at him and pressed my lips to his. “The wine. Coffee is awesome, but wine is better with pizza.” 

“Mmm,” he sighed and nodded. “You’re right. Coffee now, wine and pizza and cat in the bathroom and sex all night?”

“Sounds like a plan.” I kissed him again and he grinned.

“Preference on the wine?”

I grinned at him and hugged him around the waist. He rocked slowly and watched me, waiting. “I like my wine like I like my men,” I murmured and he laughed. 

“Fruity with lots of nose?”

I laughed helplessly against his chest. “You’re a nut.”

“So, nutty, fruity with lots of nose.”

“Your nose is fine!” I cried and kissed it. “And you’re not fruity.”

Jason grinned at me and kissed me slowly. “Let’s go home.”

We got coffee from the machine and came up to the counter with our snacks. The cashier was stiff but polite and didn’t make eye contact with either of us while she rang us up. “Any gas?” she asked.

“If I could get $20 on Pump Two?” I said quickly. 

She finished ringing up and Jason kissed my shoulder. “I’ll go tank up.”

When he’d walked away, the cashier let out a long, angry-sounding sigh. I raised my eyebrows at her and she looked embarrassed. “You’re lucky,” she informed me.

I signed my credit card slip and collected the snacks with a smile. “I know.”

 

“Nutty,” Jason said as I got into the car and he started the engine, “with pepper.” He rubbed his hand over his beard and grinned at me.

“Getting there,” I laughed.

“Nutty, peppery… lots of mouth.” He drummed his long fingers on the steering wheel. “Goes well with pizza.”

“Notes of coffee and chocolate, though only the really good chocolate.” I folded myself into the passenger seat and braced my knees against the dash. Nefret chirruped and slithered out of her basket to sit on my chest. I ruffled her fur and grinned as she settled in to purr. 

“You’re going to talk me into stopping somewhere for chocolate,” Jason grinned.

“Chocolate goes well with both coffee and wine,” I said without looking up from Nefret’s squinted face. “And sex.”

“Siri, where’s the nearest Godiva store?” Jason said, his voice pitched like he was speaking to the phone. 

“You have your Siri switched off, you nerd,” I snickered. “Besides, you can get Godiva in any Barnes & Noble. It’s one of the reasons I still go in.” 

“So, chocolate, wine, pizza, coffee.” Jason looked over at me with a sly grin. “You like your men rich?”

I laughed and shook my head. “My favorite wine is $10 a bottle, babe. I like stuff that doesn’t break the bank but tastes like it does.”

“So you like to be lied to.”

I snorted and he grinned. “I like pleasant surprises. Misdirection.” I leaned against the window to smile at him. “I like staying on my toes. But nobody likes to be lied to.”

“I know.” He reached over and I caught his hand before he could wander too far with it. “I was teasing.”

“I know,” I grinned back and kissed his fingers before releasing his hand. Nefret stretched out on my chest and braced her paws under my chin, purring loudly. “Pretty baby,” I murmured to her and rubbed her belly so she stretched more. 

“Thank you,” Jason grinned. He stretched his shoulders a little, then glanced at me. “So, Hilde, where’s the nearest Barnes & Noble? Since Siri is worthless to me.”

I fished my phone out of my pocket and worked around the purring cat to pull up a map. “There’s one off the highway in about twenty minutes or we could wait until we get home.” 

Jason rolled his eyes toward me with a slow grin. “There’s still an hour and a half before we get home. I can’t drink wine in the car, but I’m damn sure going to eat chocolate and drink more coffee.”

I grinned at him. “I love you.”

 

“Look at you,” Jason grinned as we walked through the Barnes & Noble, “cheating on the library.” He slipped one hand around my hip and hugged me closer. “I feel so dirty.”

I wrinkled my nose and bounced against him. “I’m only here for the chocolate.” 

“Is that a new Robin Hobb?” Jason’s head turned sharply toward a display.

“Where?!” I cried, turning faster. When Jason laughed at me, I turned back to him and punched his shoulder. “Jerk!”

He grinned and caught me in a hug. “I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not. You’re adorable.” He kissed me and I sighed, surrendering into his arms. “I think I need to read those. Just to understand why you’re so excited.”

“She’s a good author,” I mumbled against his lips. “Great world building. Great characters.”

“I’ll keep it in mind,” he grinned. 

I smiled and ran my hands down his chest. “Are we here for chocolate or shopping or flirting?”

“Can’t we do all three?” He rocked me slowly side to side, grinning. 

“Not if we want to get home with time to make pizza.”

Jason froze and I grinned at his expression. He ducked down to kiss me quickly. “So where was that chocolate?”

“It’s usually by the register,” I grinned as I followed him as he made a rush for the front of the store. “You’re getting predictable, dear,” I called after him.

“Nonsense!” he called back. He stopped by the Godiva display and pursed his lips, looking over the options. “Um…”

“How much do you want to have for later and how much do you want on the trip?” I asked.

“All of it?”

I snickered. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” His eyes stayed on the chocolate. After a minute, he picked up the largest box and turned back to me. “For home.” He handed me the box, then grabbed a second, smaller box. “For the truck.”

“You have good taste,” I grinned as we stood in line. “Though I’m not sure if we’ve got enough money for it.”

“Credit cards are our friends.” He kissed me quickly.

“My mother is a banker, sir,” I snorted back. “She did her best to instill some level of financial responsibility in me.”

“Says the girl with thirty-thousand in student loans.”

I laughed and shook my head. “Wrong.”

“What?” Jason looked at me in surprise. “I know you went to college.”

“I did,” I agreed cheerfully as we put our chocolate on the counter. “But I didn’t take out student loans until grad school.” After we paid, I tapped him on the nose with my debit card. “Full scholarship, baby.”

“I’m impressed!” he grinned and collected the bag as we walked back out to the truck. “How’d you manage that one? Sleep with someone on the financial board?”

I snorted, “Hardly. I wrote a rousing essay about True Love Waits.”

“Did you really?” 

I grinned. “No. My essay was on how important librarians are in furthering childhood education in disadvantaged communities. I had no idea what I was talking about at the time, but they figured out pretty quickly that I knew in high school how to bullshit my way through research and write eloquently with that research.” I kissed Nefret’s head and climbed into the passenger seat. “I did well in college.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Jason smiled as he buckled his seatbelt. “You are, after all--”

“Full of shit, I know,” I laughed. “I did get a BS.”

 

Nefret rode Jason’s shoulder all the way up the hallway to the apartment. Once we had gotten inside, I poured the litter into her regular box and put the travel box away. Jason dropped the bags on the couch and put the chocolate in the fridge. “It’s good to be home,” he groaned and I smiled. 

“Yeah, it is.” I tossed my jeans and bra into the hamper and walked back out wearing just my panties and t-shirt. “You want to open the wine? I’ll start the crust.” Jason watched me with a longing expression on his face. I raised my eyebrows and made a little shooing motion with my hands. “Wine. Go. You can fuck me when the crust is rising.”

“You promise?” he murmured. “Because right now, I’m looking at some very compelling recommendations for fucking now and ordering out for pizza instead.” I laughed and shook my head, turning to the pantry to pull out the flour and olive oil. His hands found my hips and I grinned at him over my shoulder as he pulled me back to his hips. “Promise me,” he whispered in my ear. 

I swung my hips slowly, side to side against him and grinned wider when his eyes half-closed. “I promise, you can fuck me when the pizza crust is rising.” I turned around and pulled him by his jacket collar down to my mouth. “But not until the crust is rising. Deal?”

Jason let out a low, rumbling growl and pushed me back against the counter, his mouth hungry on mine. “Four days is a very long time,” he grumbled, his hands running over my hips and pulling me tightly to him. “And I am very uncomfortable. I don’t like being uncomfortable.”

“Not until the crust is rising,” I purred back and leaned against his chest. “You made it four days. You’ll make it another twenty minutes.” He growled again and sighed, dropping his forehead to my shoulder.

“My shorts are too tight,” he groaned.

I kissed his neck. “Go change. I’ll get the crust started. We still have to lock Nefret up, too.”

“I don’t like pain, Hilde.”

I laughed and pushed him at the bedroom. “Go change.”


	10. Chapter 10

“How was Michigan?” Allyson asked me when I got back to work on Thursday. She had her hands full of magazines she was taking out to the reading room and a pen behind her ear.

“It was good,” I smiled as I tucked my laptop bag under my station. “We got to see all of my parents, Jason met Earl’s mother, Dad didn’t kill him. All in all, a good trip, I think.”

Allyson paused with one eyebrow raised. “Was death a possibility for this trip?”

I shrugged. “Dad took Connor up the ski jump when he first met him. Anything’s possible.”

My supervisor shook her head and laughed. “Your dad is a trip. Kind of like my dad.”

“Considering your dad and my grandfather are the same generation, I think my dad would be distressed by that assessment.” I checked through my paper inbox, then turned on my computer to check my email. 

A few minutes into answer a request from a colleague at another branch, Liz came up with a cart of books to be shelved and dropped into the chair beside me to put them in order. “You’re really getting married again.”

I glanced at her and grinned. “Yup.”

“Do you want a shower?”

I raised an eyebrow at her and lifted one arm dramatically to sniff. “Do I smell?”

She snorted and kicked my chair. “A bridal shower, you dolt.”

I grinned and shrugged. “I don’t see why. We’re already living together. There’s no ‘household’ to set up. I’ve been married before.”

“Excuse to party?” Liz grinned.

I shook my head with a smile. “I don’t really party, Liz. I’m more a stay-at-home and Netflix kind of girl.” 

“Especially when you’ve got tall, dark, and hunky to Netflix with,” she teased.

“Can’t argue with what works,” I smiled and returned to my emails.

Just before my lunch hour, there was a flurry of activity at the desk, patrons with requests and check-outs, plus a rather spectacular situation involving a small child climbing the cookbook section stacks. When I finally disengaged from the desk and staggered into the staff room, I was surprised to find my desk occupied. Jason rotated the chair and leaned back, his arms comfortably folded behind his head. “Well, that’s a nice change,” I sighed as I walked toward him and dropped my nametag on the desk beside my keyboard. 

“What is?” he grinned up at me, rocking the chair side to side. 

I kicked his feet apart and walked right up to the chair so I could lean down and kiss him. He made a soft sound and his hands came around to cradle my face. “Finding someone I like in my chair,” I whispered and smiled at him. 

“I missed you,” he informed me with a slow smile, letting his hands fall to my hips. “Wanna get lunch?”

“Where?” I murmured back. I ran my hands around his shoulders and leaned close. 

“ANYWHERE,” Allyson shouted from her office. “Just get her out of my work room!”

Jason grinned widely as I dropped my forehead to his shoulder and blushed. “Yes, ma’am,” he called back, then kissed my cheek. “You heard the bosslady. Get your bag.”

“Don’t need it,” I sighed and straightened up with a smile. “If you’re buying, anyway.”

He rocked himself up out of my low chair and kissed me as he stood up. “I would buy you the moon if it was on sale.” A vague retching sound came from Allyson’s office and Jason grinned. “She’s so easy to antagonize.”

“I heard that, Crouse.”

Jason kissed me quickly. “C’mon, beautiful. I’ll buy you sushi.”

“Take me,” I gasped, my head thrown back dramatically and my eyes closed. “I’m yours.”

“I already knew that.” 

 

Jason laced his fingers through mine and we walked down the street outside the library, just enjoying the early fall afternoon. “Thought about flowers?”

“Oh, hell,” I sighed and squeezed his hand. “No. My favorites are all spring flowers, which are practically impossible to get fresh in November.”

“Artificial?”

“Have you ever seen artificial tulips?” I shook my head. “No dice.” I thought about it for a moment, then shrugged, “I suppose we could do fall leaf arrangements. Those artificals don’t look weird and they can be used for fall decorations afterwards.” 

Jason looked thoughtful for a moment. “You don’t have a wedding dress.”

“No,” I confirmed. 

His gaze slid to meet mine and I widened my eyes warily. “Can I come?” Jason grinned at me, showing his dimples through the beard. 

“It’s bad luck to see the bride in her dress before the wedding,” I snorted and bumped against his arm. 

“I want to see you in ruffles and layers while you get angry that someone suggested it.”

I grinned. “It would be more fun with you there.” Jason pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckles. “But,” I sighed and swung our joined hands between us, “I’ll probably just wear something simple and formal.” At Jason’s raised eyebrows, I shrugged. “Cheaper.”

He sighed and stopped in the sidewalk, swinging me around to face him. “Hilde, I want to see you in fluff. Or slinky. Or whatever makes you feel awesome. I don’t care what it costs or what color it is.” Jason leaned down to kiss me. “I just want to see you dressed like a queen.”

I smiled at him. “And if I feel like a queen in old jeans and one of your soft tees?”

“I’ll marry you naked, if that’s what makes you feel awesome.”

I laughed and leaned against his chest. “Yeah, that’s not happening.”

“Just as well,” he murmured and kissed the top of my head, rubbing my shoulders. “I mean, my brothers don’t even know you yet. That’d be a bit of a shock.” Looking up into his face, I smiled and felt like I was finally where I belonged. 

 

Piled on the couch after work with a bottle of wine and a lazy cat, I leaned my head back against Jason’s chest and sighed, my eyes closed. “This is nice.” He slipped one arm around my waist and hugged me closer. “Do we really have to get married?”

“No,” he murmured against my hair. “Not if you don’t want to.”

I arched my neck to look at him upside-down and smiled. “I’m kidding, dear. It’s just all the planning. It’s an expensive racket and the social aspects make my palms sweat. But I do want to marry you.” His fingers stroked down my exposed throat and I closed my eyes. “You’re stuck with me.”

“Lucky me.” Jason gently laid his palm over my throat and let it rest there while he kissed my temple. “Do you want a big reception… party… thing afterwards?”

“Not really,” I admitted. “But I’d love an excuse to see Mama doing the chicken dance.”

Jason threw his head back and laughed, hugging me. “Okay, yes, I would pay money to see that.” As his laughter subsided, he rocked a little, still hugging me tightly. “We’ll supply you with wine and silly dancing Russian women and fidget toys on the tables.”

I turned quickly to look at him to see if he was making fun of me, but he was smiling. “That’s actually an awesome idea. Mindbender puzzles, Rubik’s cubes, silly putty. Stuff to keep your hands busy. I’m not the only one in the family with sensory issues and anxiety.” More ideas came to me and I could feel my face lighting up. “Yarn and sets of knitting needles and crochet hooks. Paper placemats and crayons.” I looked at Jason and beamed, “We could just cover the tables with white butcher paper. Encourage everyone to draw and sign where they sat.” When I calmed down enough to register his expression, I realized that Jason was watching me with a mix of pride and affection. “What?” I asked him.

Jason leaned in to kiss me slowly, stroking my face. “You got more excited about toys at the tables than wine.”

I blushed and tucked my chin. “So?”

He ran a thumb along my jaw and tipped my face back up. “I love seeing you happy. Especially if it doesn’t involve mind-altering substances. I love seeing you soberly happy.” I twitched my lips and started to say something, but he shook his head. “I’m not saying I don’t like your drinking. That’d be stupid. I like whisky as much as the next guy and you’ve got good taste in wine. It’s also really damn fun to see you drunk. But I also like seeing you sober. And happy.” He kissed me slowly and I leaned into him with a soft sigh. “It means you don’t need to be drunk to be happy.”

I smiled at him and nosed against his lips. “I am happy. And sober.”

“You’ve had at least one glass already.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m drunk.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re sober, either.” He stroked my face and smiled. “So what else should we have at the reception?”

“Coffee.” I grinned and snuggled up against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead. “We should get Big Shoulders to cater.” He looked thoughtful and nodded. “I’d rather do a light meal, like buffet stuff and salad. Big meals tend to make me nervous. And we can pick songs from Spotify and put them in a playlist on random.” Jason stroked his palm over my forehead, smiling. I let out a long sigh and relaxed against him while he rubbed my cheek slowly. “No big cake. Just cupcakes.”

“Buttermints.” I opened my eyes and looked up at Jason’s smiling face. “What? I like buttermints.”

I grinned. “Me, too.” I snuggled back in. “So, buttermints on the tables. And fidget toys. Candles. Catered coffee and cupcakes, buffet and salad. Music. The Chicken Dance.” I looked up and rested my chin on his chest. “I’m liking the sound of this.”

“That is kind of the point.” His fingers wandered up into my hair and I closed my eyes again. “How many people standing up?”

“In the wedding?” He nodded and I thought about it. “I don’t need anybody but Cathy. If you want more, I’m okay with that.” Jason stroked my hair and hummed softly. 

“John’s agreed to be my sponsor and Mama’s beside herself to be yours,” Jason murmured. “Mom’s walking me in. Your dad’s walking you in. I’d sort of like both of my brothers up there, too. I can’t pick.”

“We can do that,” I smiled. “I’ve got Cathy and I can see if Nikki or Rachel’s comfortable with it.” Jason raised one eyebrow, curious. “My sisters-in-law. Former. My sisters.” I shrugged with a sheepish smile. “I was still part of the family when they married Connor’s younger brothers.”

“You’re not anymore?”

“When I moved to Chicago, his mother stopped asking if I was coming back. I think she was just as happy to see me go.” I closed my eyes for a second and just let the old hurt sit. Jason was quiet, stroking my hair. “The girls and I keep tabs, though,” I finally continued. “Facebook, Tumblr. We’re still in touch. They send me baby pictures, updates on work, that kind of thing. I send them pictures of Nefret and nightmare stories from the library.”

I felt his chin move against the top of my head, my hair catching in his beard. “Told them about me?” he asked in a surprisingly neutral tone.

I smiled. “Right after our first date, actually.”

“Yeah?” I nodded and I heard the amusement in his voice. “After the first one or after one-point-five?”

I made a face at him and tapped his cheek lightly with my palm, a gentle shove. “The first one. Smart ass.” I leaned up to kiss him. “I was a little preoccupied after one-point-five. There were waffles.”

“Damn, our lives revolve around food,” he chuckled and I grinned at him. 

“It’s a community thing, I think,” I mused. “That’s how we demonstrate goodwill: we share our food. If we don’t know someone and we offer to share what we have, they’re more likely to trust us and maybe share what they have in return. It’s sociological and psychologically based.”

“Look at you with all the learning,” Jason grinned. “Beauty and brains. I really am lucky.”

“I’d say you’re either blind or have strange taste, personally.”

“You are beautiful,” Jason snorted and kissed my forehead again. “It’s not just my preference for smart women talking.”

I smiled. “As long as you think so, I’m not going to complain.”

Jason’s arms around me tightened gently. “What defines beauty for you? What does a beautiful woman look like?”

“Not me.”

“That is not an answer,” Jason growled. “Want to know what I think?” He waited until I peeked up at him. “I like blue eyes, though I’m not particular. More than color, I like eyes that are watching, paying attention. Curious. It’s one of the things I noticed about you first. You were so focused on whatever research you were doing. I didn’t want to break that focus.” He leaned and kissed my forehead. “I like someone who doesn’t fuss. With their hair, their makeup, their clothes. Simple, clean. No-nonsense.” He brushed my hair back from my face and grinned at me. “Someone who doesn’t spend two hours getting ready in the morning.”

“Lucky for you, I don’t even wear makeup,” I beamed and he nodded.

“That’s a factor,” he said. “I mean, I’m not saying makeup is bad. But you don’t need it and I like you better without it.” He leaned down and kissed me. “You look phenomenal when you’re made up, but my Hilde is this Hilde. I like not worrying if I’m going to smudge her or mess up her hair.”

“You mess up my hair all the time!” I protested.

Jason grinned and rubbed his chin over the top of my head, tangling my hair with his beard until it fell into my face again. “I know. But I like that you don’t care about it.”

I ran my fingers backwards through my hair to push it where it usually fell. “True.”

“But you know where you really shine?” I blushed and tilted my chin down. Jason leaned in and nosed gently against my face until I looked back up. “Your smile. And your laugh. And all the variations, from shy to challenging. You’re a bitch, Hilde, and I love it.” He kissed me and grinned, “And you care about people and I love that, too. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen was when you helped someone at the library figure out a problem. They were struggling with it, you were struggling, then it all just fell into place and you both got it and you were radiant.” He cupped my face and smiled at me. “You are. Radiant.”

“Mr. Lawyer McBig Words,” I muttered, blushing.

“Shut up and take a compliment for once,” he sighed and kissed me. His mouth was warm and enticing, so I just settled in to kiss him back instead of arguing the point. He combed his fingers through my hair and held my head still, a little hungry edge creeping into the kiss. “I love you,” he whispered when he broke away. “So much it scares me. I don’t do this, Hilde. I don’t. I don’t look at one person and say, ‘This is it. She’s my world.’ But I did. And it is. And you are.” He closed his eyes and exhaled a long, slow breath. “I think I was lost the first time you asked me to hug you. I think I knew then.”

I leaned up and kissed his jaw, letting his beard brush against my lips. “You’re babbling.”

“I’m being a fucking romantic for once, shut up.” He glared at me and I grinned, apologetic. “Is everything a joke?”

“No.” I tucked my face against his neck and sighed. “I’m hearing you. It scares me, too, though. Last person who loved me like that died in a car wreck, wrapped around a tree. Crushed like all those pictures of soda cans under deep sea pressure.” I hitched in a breath and he hugged me tighter. “When I’m scared, I make jokes. Coping mechanism.” When he stayed quiet and just held me for a few more moments, I pushed my nose into his neck and sighed. “I love you, Jason. I really do. And it scares me to love. I got hurt. A lot. More than once. And not because anyone was a fault. No rhyme or reason. Just… one minute, I was happily married and the next, I was a widow. That shit happens and it scares me so much.”

Jason kissed my cheek and held me close, just hugging me while I clung to him. After a second, he whispered, “I know. And I can’t make that go away and I hate it.” He sighed, his lips resting against my temple. “But I’m here. And I’ll be here as long as I can. I promise.”

“I swear to God,” I gasped, hugging him around the neck. “I want to wrap you in bubble wrap. I want so bad to keep you safe.”

“I think bubble wrap is a bad plan for that,” he smiled. “Plastic and airways and all.”

I subsided against his chest again with a long sigh. “I suppose. Since you’re so keen on breathing.”


	11. Chapter 11

Nefret jumped down from the couch with a sound of supreme disgust and headed toward the bedroom at a quick trot. I blinked and watched her go. Then, there was a bump outside and Jason looked up from his book, surprised. “Is that...?” 

“CATHY!”

From the other side of the door, a small voice cried, “Deeeeeee!” I bolted up from the couch and threw open the door to the hallway, tackled the woman standing there and hugged her tightly. Cathy giggled helplessly and hugged me back. “My Dee! My wonderful, delightful, absent-too-long Dee!”

“How did you get in?” I asked her as I dragged her through the doorway and into the apartment.

“Someone held the door,” she beamed. “He said I looked like my hands were full. Which they were,” she added, pointing to her suitcase in the hall. “So much for building security?

“It’s like college all over again,” I sighed and smiled. “Come in. Jason, this is Cathy. Cathy, Jason Crouse.” Jason stood up from the couch to offer her his hand and a smile.

Cathy stood back from him for a moment and scrutinized him seriously, her eyes squinted and her hands on her hips. She was only about an inch or two taller than me, but she managed to give the impression of looming over Jason: he shrank into himself, hands in his pockets and a sheepish expression on his face. “So, you’re the Man.”

“I guess I am?” he said, looking at me nervously.

She slowly circled him, still glaring carefully with her hands on her hips. She poked him in the back so he jumped and stood up straight, then finished her circle and peered at his face. “Smoke?”

“No?”

“Kids?”

“No.”

“Cheated?”

“Not as such.”

Her eyes narrowed and she took a sharp step forward so that Jason actually fell back one. “What’s that mean?”

Jason’s eyes darted from me to Cathy and back while I tried to smother my own laughter. “I have not cheated in a relationship. I have cheated at cards. It depends on what you’re asking.”

Cathy rocked back on her heels and crossed her arms over her chest, eyes still narrowed suspiciously. “Drink?”

“Yes.”

“A lot?”

“Not to excess.”

“Hit a woman?”

“Only in a fair fight.” I barked out a laugh and Jason gave me a half-smile. “Or if asked.”

“Spanking doesn’t count as hitting,” I chuckled.

“If it’s consensual,” Cathy agreed. “Hit a man?”

“Yes.”

“Under what circumstances?”

Jason sighed and dropped his arms to his sides. “I’ve gotten into fist fights before. Fair and unfair. And I punched out a judge once--” When I giggled, he glared at me and waved his index finger at me, “ONCE--which keeps coming back to bite me even harder than the initial punishment.” 

“Which was?” Cathy squinted at him.

“They disbarred me.” Jason tilted his head and studied her in return.

“You were a lawyer.”

“Yes.”

“Shit on a shingle, Dee,” Cathy turned and looked at me incredulously, “I give up.”

I fell over sideways on the couch, unable to stop the laughter from gripping me. “Former lawyer, Cathy,” I giggled helplessly. 

“Yeah, like I’m a former witch.” She sighed and dropped down next to me on the couch, gathered me up into a tight hug and gave me a little shake. “But if he makes you happy, I suppose I’ll let him live.”

I glared at her, “Not funny.”

She pursed her lips. “Shit. Sorry. Bad choice of words.” With a little kick of her feet, Cathy stood back up again and tackled Jason around the waist in a tight hug. “Make her happy or there will be no quarter given.”

“I’ll remember that,” Jason chuckled, looking down at her. “Can I get your bags?”

“There’s just one,” she smiled. “It’s not like I’m moving in.”

Cathy returned to hug me on the couch while Jason brought in her suitcase and set it in the hallway. We were down to the last few weeks before the actual wedding and Cathy had taken a few weeks off to help get ready. She might not have been moving in permanently, but she was staying until she’d seen us securely married. 

“You seriously haven’t bought a dress?” Cathy muttered in my ear. 

“No,” I said sheepishly. “We haven’t picked wines or decided where to get the cupcakes, either. We’ve already scheduled the hall and the church, talked to Big Shoulders about hiring an on-site barista for the reception, and scheduled the buffet caterer. I’m not entirely unprepared.” When Cathy snickered, I sighed in embarrassment. “Not much has changed. I’m still a procrastinator.”

“Your invitations are done, right?”

I looked at her and pulled a face.

“Dee!” 

“We did a save-the-date card and then I kind of forgot the rest. It’s not like it’s a huge thing anyway. Everyone who’s coming already knows when and where.”

Cathy sighed and hugged me tighter with her chin on my shoulder. “It’s the principle of these things, silly. How many people are invited?”

“Thirty-three, I think.” I started counting on my fingers. “Jason’s two brothers, their wives, his mother, her plus-one, two cousins, an aunt, all with plus-ones, and his nephew and his boyfriend. Mom, Earl, Dad and a plus-one, four from mom’s generation, five from my generation, and Joel and Kris’s five kids.”

“So that’s really not that many invitations you even need to mail.” Cathy pulled a pen out of her hair and started to write on her palm. “You can get generic cards in packs that shouldn’t be too bad. And the postage won’t be bad, either. Or we can do a rush job at a print shop, so the cards are at least pretty.”

Jason was leaning against the doorframe into the kitchen, listening to us with an amused expression on his face. “See, when I try this, she just starts kissing me.”

“Damn that straight privilege,” Cathy replied without looking up from her scribbled notes. 

“I’m not straight,” I protested and my friend grinned.

“No, but I am.”

I shrugged and raised my eyebrows briefly, acknowledging. “You up for wine tasting this weekend, Jay?”

“Sounds like fun.” Jason’s eyes wandered over the couch and how much room Cathy and I were taking up, combined. “Is there room over there for me?”

“Nope,” Cathy replied promptly and stretched her legs out to fill up the remaining space. “You’ve had her for eight months. I’ve had her for eight minutes.”

“More like fifteen,” Jason snorted. “I’m getting lonely.”

“There’s room on the floor.”

“Ouch!” he laughed. With a shrug, he came over and sat on the floor beside the couch, stretching one arm along the cushions and behind my hip. “Better than nothing.” I ran my hand over his shoulder and watched him smile. “So what else is there?”

“The dress,” Cathy reminded us and I winced. “And cake.”

“Cupcakes,” I replied quickly. “There are a few really good bakeries we can try, but we just haven’t scheduled anything.”

“And the dress?” Cathy gave me a squinty glare. 

I pressed my lips together nervously. “I have no idea. I really just want to steal Jason’s t-shirt and wear jeans.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jason roll his eyes and shake his head. “I look wrong in dresses!” I protested.

“You can do that for the rehearsal,” Cathy said thoughtfully. “But not for the wedding. I won’t let you and neither will your mother.” She tapped her chin for a moment, then looked at Jason. “Do you have a computer I can borrow?”

“Sure.” He stood up and kissed my cheek before walking into the other room in search of his laptop. 

“My laptop too good for you?” I sniffed.

“Yours will have crumbs under the keys.”

I made a face. “You know me too well.” Cathy grinned.

Jason returned carrying the open laptop and typing in his password as he walked before handing it over to Cathy. She typed quickly through a few websites, then pointed, “There we go. Discount bridal store. If there’s something you like, you can probably get it shipped and fitted before the wedding.” Before I could say anything, she had dialed the store’s number on her cell and held up a finger at me for silence. I sat neatly on the couch with my hands folded in my lap and a strained expression on my face while Jason chuckled and hugged me. “Hello, do you require an appointment for a fitting? Great, what are your hours? Thanks so much.” Cathy looked at me significantly. “Let’s get you a dress.”

 

Cathy insisted on sitting in my lap the whole way to the bridal store. I had missed my best friend so much. Jason spent most of the drive glancing from the road to us and back and trying not to laugh. Mostly, he was successful. Mostly.

We parked and tumbled out of the truck. As Cathy half-dragged me inside the store, I had a cascade of flashbacks to college: wandering Walmart at 2 AM, getting food at midnight at Taco Bell, watching this tiny woman consume an entire half-gallon of orange juice without blinking, eating cold Spaghettios out of the can while watching  _ Cowboy Bebop _ and  _ Vision of Escaflowne _ with the subtitles on. Taking over the campus chapel room because it was the quietest place on campus and the only place I felt like I could sit and read without risking an anxiety attack. Walking the length of campus just before dawn and singing the Star Spangled Banner together in two-part harmony because it was the only song we both knew the soprano and alto parts for. As loud as we could.

How could I have married Connor without this woman there? I staggered after her into the store and she hauled me down the aisles of discounted wedding and bridesmaid dresses. I could hear her talking and pointing things out, could sense Jason hanging back a few steps and mostly just watching us in silent amusement, but I couldn’t even begin to bring myself to participate in the conversation. After a moment, I grabbed Cathy by the shoulder and dragged her into a tight hug, overwhelmed as I started to cry. “Thank you,” I whispered. 

Her arms wrapped around me and she hugged me tight, making little snuggling sounds against my shoulder. “There’s nothing else to do for Dee,” she informed me quietly. “You know I’m always here. No matter what.” I heard movement, then felt Cathy swatting wildly with one hand behind me. “No! Mine! Mine mine mine!”

I dropped my forehead to her shoulder and giggled helplessly through the tears. “Always yours. Yours first.

“You’re making me jealous,” Jason rumbled behind me.

“She was mine first,” Cathy informed him and I could tell she was sticking out her tongue at him. “Before Connor. Even before Rory. She was mine.” She put her chin on my shoulder and rocked me again. “My Dee.”

“My Cathy,” I sighed. I kissed her shoulder affectionately and pushed up to stand on my own again. “Sorry. Just kind of… swamped for a second there.”

“Some things never change,” she smiled. “Anyway. What about this one?” With a flourish, she dragged me back down the aisle again before Jason could wrap me in the hug he was trying for; I felt his fingertips against my back just as Cathy pulled me away.

“Not fair!” he cried. He chased us down the aisle while Cathy kept tugging me and we both deteriorated into giggles. Finally, his arms wrapped around me and he growled, taking two steps away from Cathy and pulling me with him. “Mine.” He kissed the top of my head and I looked up at him with a grin.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this popular,” I giggled.

Jason snorted. “Bullshit. I fight with Nefret over you all the time.”

“Cathy is more successful than the cat.”

“Thumbs,” Cathy added with a sage nod.

“Claws don’t trump thumbs?” Jason asked and tilted his head to rest his cheek against the top of my head. 

“Neffy’s too polite,” Cathy beamed. “Seriously, though, Dee, will you look at this one?” She pulled a bridesmaid’s dress down from the rack and spread the skirt out so we could see it better. “It’s gorgeous.”

I studied the drape of the long, A-line satin skirt, the slight embellishment of same-color embroidery on the bodice. “I like it,” I admitted with a nod. “How much?”

Cathy checked the tag. “It’s on sale for $100.”

“That covers you, at least,” I sighed.

Her eyebrow twitched and a slow grin crossed her face. “I’ll bet it comes in ivory.”

“What?”

She sighed and waved her hands at me, fluffing the dress toward me. “Try it on, Dee. Who says you have to wear a WEDDING dress? If you like this one, wear this one.” Before I could argue, she had waved down one of the attendants and I found myself standing in a dressing room with a dozen bridesmaid’s dresses in varying shades of purple, blue, and green. “Ooh, there’s another one!” Cathy cried from the racks. 

“No!” I called back. “Let me try one on before you give me more!” I could hear the attendant laughing just outside my room. One after another, I tried them on and discarded them without coming out.

“Doing okay?” Cathy asked me after about the fourth dress. 

“They’re all nice,” I complained, “but I just can’t see spending a hundred dollars on something to wear once.”

Jason’s voice drifted over the door, “Hilde, come out and at least show us one.”

“Which one?”

“The one I showed you first,” Cathy answered.

I sighed and found it, one of the few I hadn’t tried on yet. When I wiggled into it and pulled the zipper up, not only did it fit almost perfectly, the color was incredible against my skin: a medium shade of wine red. I opened and closed my mouth a few times, looking at myself in the mirrors. “Okay,” I squeaked. “I’m coming out.”

I stepped out of the dressing room and found Cathy and Jason standing side-by-side, waiting. As soon as Jason saw me, his face went a little slack and his eyes went round. Cathy slapped her hands over her mouth in delight. “Yes,” Jason said immediately. I hugged my arms around my waist and blushed. He came toward me and pulled me into his arms, kissed me soundly. “Yes,” he said again, more whispered against my ear. “This one.”

“You haven’t seen any of the others,” I whispered back.

“Don’t care. I like this one.” He paused with his forehead against mine. “Do you like it?”

Still blushing, I nodded. “Yeah.”

“This color? Or do you want to try to find it in white?”

“I like this one.”

“I think we’re done.” He stepped back to look at the attendant, who was watching us curiously. 

“Are you the bride?” she asked me, a little confused.

“Yup.” Jason kept his fingers laced through mine as he spoke. “We’re non-traditional.”

“That is definitely not the word to use to describe an Orthodox wedding,” I giggled.

“Orthodox doesn’t mean traditional,” Jason sniffed and winked at me. “It means right.” I squeaked when he spun me around once and pulled me against his chest again. “And that dress is right on you.”

In a blur of color, Cathy sprinted past me into the same changing room with the same dress in a different shade of red. A few seconds later, she popped back out again and beamed at me. “What do you think?”

“The darker one looks better on you,” I said, nodding approvingly. “And the style suits.”

“Do you want me to check for fit?” the attendant asked and we both nodded. While she checked us over, Jason watched me with an almost unreadable expression on his face. I felt the attendant tug on the dress near my shoulders and she said, “We can let it out a little here so it’s not so tight across the bust, give you more room in the shoulders. Especially if you want to wear it again.”

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” I agreed.

“Same with you,” she chuckled at Cathy. “Not quite as much, but both of you girls have wide shoulders.”

“We know,” we chorused and grinned at each other. “We’ve done some bonding over men’s clothing before,” I added.

“Is that why you steal my clothes?” Jason asked.

“No,” I replied, “I do that because it smells like you. And the aforementioned obsession with texture.”

“When’s the wedding?” asked the attendant.

“The eighteenth.”

“Of this month!?” she gasped and I giggled. 

“Yeah, I’m a little last minute.”

“No kidding,” she laughed. “I can take measurements and we should have these altered and ready by Monday, if you want.”

“That’d be awesome,” Jason put in. “I can pick them up while you’re at work.”

“All our colors coordinate with ties and cummerbunds from Men’s Warehouse,” she added quickly. 

“Ties,” Jason said, his eyes wide. “Shit, I knew I forgot something. I need two… or should I get three?” 

I giggled at the look of sudden panic on his face. “I don’t care if anybody matches, dear. But if you really want, you can match me and Lucas can match Cathy.”

The attendant was shaking her head in amusement. “Non-traditional is right. Wow.”


	12. Chapter 12

“So, if we’re stocking a general bar for guests, we should get a couple varieties of wine.” I studied the tasting menu with Jason standing behind me and his arms around my waist. Cathy leaned on my arm and peered at the wines, too. “Which sucks because I only like red wine. I wouldn’t know a good white if it bit me.”

The winery was fairly quiet, but it was still early on Friday. With only two other groups doing tastings, we had a sommelier all to ourselves, a cheery young woman with dark hair drawn up into a high ponytail and falling in a cascade of natural ringlets past her shoulders. She reminded me of someone I’d known years ago, but I couldn’t quite place the connection. “I’m Heather and I’ll be your pourer today,” she said with a bright smile. “We have ten wines on our regular menu, six whites, three reds, and a dessert wine. We also have a three others available for our reserve tasting, which is two more dollars per tasting.”

“Three reserve tastings,” Jason said over my shoulder.

“Have you been in here before?” she asked.

“No, but I’ve had…I think it was the ‘13 Merlot,” I said. 

Heather beamed and nodded, “That was a good one. I think I know where you like to eat.” 

I whistled innocently--and poorly--without looking at her, then grinned. “It was really good,” I agreed. 

“Are you guys just in for a tasting or is there something special happening?”

“Wedding,” Jason said and his arms tightened around my waist. I could tell he was really starting to enjoy saying that. “We’re getting married on the 18th.”

The sommelier raised her eyebrows and smiled. “Oh! Well, congratulations! Thinking about having wine at the reception?”

“Requiring wine at the reception,” I corrected with a grin. “But I wouldn’t know how to pick wines for a group. I only know what I like, personally.”

“Well, that’s a good place to start,” Heather said and turned to pull an open bottle from the chiller. “Let’s go through the tasting and then we can talk about what kinds of things you’re going to serve and what you want on hand.”

Heather was good. She had the gift of fluent gab and managed to flirt with all of us without making anyone uncomfortable. By the time she’d walked us through all six of their white wines, she had pretty well sold me on their Chardonnay, which was a little smokier and more robust than the usual white wine. She also recommended their Viognier, which I latched onto for sentimental reasons, being that it was the state grape of Virginia and a little unusual this far North. It was a better general white for those who might prefer something lighter in flavor. 

“And you said you like reds best?” she asked as we swished water through our glasses and I reached for the oyster crackers. I nodded eagerly and she turned back to us with a bottle in hand. “This is our Cab Sav, one of our better sellers along with that Merlot you mentioned.” She poured the wine into our glasses and watched with bright brown eyes as we tasted. 

It was sweeter than my usual preference, but I waited a moment and just enjoyed the flavor. “Light for a Cab Sav,” I commented and she nodded.

“It’s still pretty young. This one will probably be better in a year or two, which really won’t do you any good for the 18th, I suppose.” She paused and held up a finger, then vanished into the back room while we finished the taste.

“I like it,” Cathy smiled. “Not too dark.”

“It’s a good mid-weight wine, I guess,” I sighed, studying the color as I swished it around the bowl of the glass. 

“Not vaguely aggressive enough,” Jason murmured in my ear and grinned when I glared at him.

“Vaguely aggressively masculine,” I corrected with a sniff and finished off the wine.

“I don’t want to know,” Cathy muttered.

Heather returned with a bottle in hand and set it on the bar with a look of delight. “This is the Cab Sav from last year. I checked with my manager and he’s okay with us opening it and adding it to the reserve tasting. If you like this one, we have a few cases still on site.” She continued to talk as she uncorked the bottle: “Last year’s Cab Sav was a little darker, a little fruitier than this year’s has been so far. More cherry and pepper, less berry.” She set the bottle aside once it was open and added, “We’ll come back to it once it’s opened a little.” 

“Now you’ve got my attention,” I grinned at her and she smiled. 

We worked our way through the rest of the red wines and Cathy quickly passed on the dessert wine, which was full of chocolate notes that appealed to me but not to her. Jason blinked at the glass in surprise and raised an eyebrow at me. “Sweet tooth much?”

“Like you didn’t already know that,” I snorted and finished Cathy’s taste. 

“Okay,” Heather said excitedly as she poured the older Cab Sav into our glasses. “I hope you like this one.”

As I tasted, I paused to consider and smile. “Yes. We need this. Even if it’s just a bottle for home. This is way better than this year’s.”

“We have two cases here,” Heather said. “And I think there’s another two in the warehouse. I can check.”

“Two for the wedding,” Jason said and kissed my cheek. “And I think we’re taking that bottle home.”

We settled the bill and arranged to have the wine for the wedding delivered to the reception hall, thanked Heather and left her a sizable tip. As we headed back to the truck, I cradled the recorked bottle of Cab Sav to my chest like a baby. 

 

“I think you’re good for each other.” Cathy dangled one foot off the couch and studied the glass of wine in her hand. Nefret was purring beside her head while Jason held me against his chest on the other end of the couch. Between the three of us, we had demolished two frozen pizzas and a bag of Doritos while watching all the Mad Max movies back-to-back. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen my Dee so relaxed.”

“It’s the wine,” I told her muzzily and rubbed my chin against Jason’s arm, my eyes half-closed in contentment. He rotated his wrist to cup my face gently, then I felt him shift to take another drink from his own glass. 

“It’s been a long time since I saw my Dee comfortable enough with someone to get drunk in front of them,” Cathy grinned. “You can’t lie to me. You’re happy.”

I smiled and let my eyes fall closed. “I am.” Jason kissed the top of my head and lingered there for a moment, making me smile wider. “I really am.”

As I found myself starting to drift into a semi-conscious state, I heard Cathy say, “What about you, the Man? Tell me what makes you happy.”

Jason’s fingers stroked my cheek slowly and I tipped my head to the side so he could run his fingers down my neck, too. “She does,” he murmured quietly. “She’s all I need.”

“Not good enough.” Cathy’s voice was playful, but there was a little steel there, too. “What things made you happy before her? I know how to see her happiness. I don’t know yours. So tell me.”

He was quiet for a long time, still stroking my face. I was drifting on the edge of a comfortable, alcohol-induced nap, but when he started talking, I could both feel his voice and hear him: “Happy? Not sure I’ve known it much when I’ve seen it. I know the absence of discomfort and that’s sort of how I’ve defined it. Freedom. Knowing I could leave when I had to, do what I needed to. Being comfortable in my skin, wherever I was, whatever I was doing.” His thumb slowly drifted down my jaw and I sighed. “Now, I’ve got no peace without her. There’s no calm. Unless she’s there.” Jason tilted his head and I could tell he was looking at Cathy. “I love her. And I need her.”

“Good.” Cathy all but whispered the word. “Connor didn’t, you know.” I shifted and pushed my face deeper into Jason’s shirt with a sigh. I knew this conversation. She and I had had it many times. I was okay with his hearing it. “Not to say that he didn’t love her. He did. But he didn’t need her. And she… needs to be needed.” They sat in silence and I listened to Jason’s heartbeat under my ear. For a moment, everything else faded and all I could hear was his heart, keeping him alive. Keeping me alive. “She has so much love in her,” Cathy finally said quietly. “She’ll love you forever. If you need her to. As long as you need her, she’ll love you like this.”

Jason’s arms curled close around me and I felt him kiss my forehead. “That’s good to know. Because I’ve never needed anything like I need her.”

“You’ve seen her anxiety.”

“I have.”

“She needs your calm.” I heard the smile in my best friend’s voice. 

“I know.” I felt myself waking up more and I looked up into his face with a drifting sense of worry. Jason watched my face and I could see that there were tears in his eyes. “Shh,” he whispered and leaned down to kiss my lips. “Go back to sleep.”

“Wasn’t asleep,” I mumbled softly. I reached up for his face, brushed my thumb against his cheek and he closed his eyes. “Need your calm,” I whispered. “I’m… I’m okay. By myself. But okay’s not living.” Jason hitched in a breath and turned his head to kiss my palm, eyes pinched tightly shut. “Your calm… finds the scared in me. Soothes it. ‘Cuz if you’re calm, there’s something to be calm about. When I’m scared, there’s no reason. I’m just...scared.”

Jason kissed my palm again and opened his eyes, then pushed his glasses back and up onto his head to wipe away the tears. “Dammit, so much for aggressively masculine.”

“Only vaguely,” I whispered with a smile.

“Drunk logic is goofy,” Cathy grinned and I managed to give her a sideways glare before falling back against Jason’s chest and promptly falling asleep.

 

I woke up around 3 AM to find Cathy and Jason still talking. There was a new movie playing, a half-gallon carton of orange juice open on the coffee table and a bottle of vodka nearby. Cathy’s wine glass had the skim of orange juice left over from a hastily made screwdriver. 

“I’m not saying that Holmes was a douche,” Cathy was saying. “I’m saying Benefit Cummerbund plays him like one. And don’t get me started on Moffat as a writer.”

“Watson’s okay,” Jason replied. His fingers were tangled in my hair, right at the base of my skull and I smiled to myself because he wasn’t even aware that he was still massaging his fingers against my scalp. He’d probably been doing it for hours and stopped noticing. No wonder I’d fallen asleep. “Didn’t he play Bilbo?”

“I’m just saying that Elementary’s casting and direction is superior,” Cathy said with a shrug of her shoulders. She tried to sip out of the glass, discovered it was empty and sighed. “I should probably stop drinking all the orange juice.”

“We can always get more,” I murmured and wriggled around to rest my back against Jason’s chest again. 

“Good morning, beautiful,” he smiled and kissed my hair. 

“It’s not morning if you haven’t slept yet.” I stretched my arms over my head and looped them around Jason’s neck. “Jeremy Brett.”

“Who?” Jason asked in surprise and Cathy started to giggle.

“Jeremy Brett was the only Sherlock Holmes for me,” I replied. “Since you’re not sleeping anyway.”

“He was pretty awesome,” Cathy agreed.

“Not familiar.”

Cathy put her wine glass down firmly with a disgusted sound. “Hilde, where are your DVDs?” 

“They’re in a box in the closet in your room,” I told her with a grin. She stomped off, muttering about uneducated heathen while I rolled around to face Jason again. “Having fun?” I asked him softly as I slid my hands over his chest and leaned up to kiss him. 

He let out a low groan and put one hand behind my head to pull me closer into the kiss. “Am now.” I giggled softly and he smiled at me, a lazy, sleepy smile that betrayed how late it was and how much alcohol he’d had since I fell asleep. “You’re adorable when you sleep.”

“And you’re cute when you’re drunk,” I grinned at him. 

Jason shook his head. “No, I’m serious. Your face gets all relaxed and you blush.” He stroked his thumbs over my cheeks. “Right here. You blush in your sleep. And you snore. Just a little so it’s still cute.”

“I’ll remind you that you said it was cute first time you try to sleep next to me when I have a cold,” I chuckled and kissed him lightly. “C’mon, we should try to get some sleep.” I stood up and gave his hand a tug.

He tugged back, smiling sleepily up at me. “Why? I’m comfy here.” I sighed and pulled a little harder, trying to at least rock him forward, but Jason easily dragged me back down into his lap. When I squeaked, he beamed proudly at me and cupped my face in his hands. “I’ve been good all night,” he murmured softly. “Just holding you while you slept. The whole time, wanting so badly to kiss you and wake you up.” His hands roamed down my shoulders and he pulled me close for another kiss. “And now you’re awake and you think sleep is a better idea.”

“Goof,” I giggled softly and obliged, tasting the lingering flavors of wine and orange juice on his lips, the kick of vodka still behind it. “If that’s what you’re talking about, sleep is never the better idea. But we still have company.”

Jason’s hands slid down and around my waist, then cupped my ass, moving me more into his lap. “I. Really don’t care right now,” he growled softly and kissed me again. There was hunger there and I gasped softly, trying to catch my breath. 

“I can always watch these on my laptop,” Cathy said from the hallway as she turned back around and returned to her room. “With my headphones in. Loudly.”

“She really does know you too well,” Jason mumbled against my mouth and I laughed.


	13. Chapter 13

“Oooh! Calligraphy pens!” Cathy darted from one aisle to the next with frantic delight. 

“This is what we get for taking an art major into a stationary store,” I sighed, watching her. Jason had his chin resting on the top of my head and I heard him sigh, felt his breath ruffled my hair. “Doing okay?” I asked him, tilting my head back so I could look up.

“Kind of wishing I’d had more water and less vodka last night,” he replied in a fragile tone. 

“And more sleep and less sex?”

His lips twitched and he kissed my forehead. “I didn’t say that. The sex kind of redeemed the morning, honestly.”

“If you’re going to be awake, you might has well do something to earn the headache?”

“If you could orgasm more quietly, it might have worked better.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the afterglow.”

Jason chuckled and put one hand over my mouth. “The mouth on you,” he whispered. “Seriously, woman, we are in public.” I grinned and flicked the tip of my tongue against his fingers. “Don’t,” he growled softly. “Be good.”

“Yeah, right,” I mumbled against his hand. “Since when?” I traced my tongue along his palm and was rewarded by a low growl beside my ear. 

“If I can’t be see in polite company, it is entirely your fault,” he grumbled and I felt him shift his hips uncomfortably behind me. When I wiggled my hips to brush my butt against him, his left hand snaked around my waist and he pulled me sharply to him. “Dammit, Hilde. Stop.” His voice was almost a groan.

I gave him a flirty glance over my shoulder and bit my lip neatly. “Fine. I’ll be good.” Slowly, reluctantly, he let me go and I turned to glance over him. His face was bright red behind his beard and he was standing a little more slouched than normal, trying to draw attention away from his crotch. “I’d say I’m sorry, but… I’m really not.”

“Obviously,” he growled quietly. His eyes slowly wandered from my face down my body, then back up with a slow smirk. “Maybe you should have worn a different bra, though.”

I glanced down and noticed that my enjoyment of teasing him was about as evident as his. I blushed and crossed my arms over my breasts quickly. “Shut up. It’s just cold in here.”

“Bullshit,” he chuckled. I gave him a shy smirk, which he answered with a warm grin. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I sighed and leaned up to kiss him. 

“Glitter or no glitter?” Cathy asked from an aisle over from us, then paused and said, “Never mind. No glitter.”

I grinned against Jason’s mouth. “Poor Cathy. She’s trying so hard.”

“She is,” he agreed, his hands settling on my hips. “Maybe we should help her a little.”

“But this is so much more fun,” I whined teasingly and flicked my tongue against his lips. 

“No, no, I’m fine,” Cathy called dramatically. “I’ll just be over here. Making decisions. By myself.” She heaved a sigh and glanced over to see us both watching her, then deteriorated into giggles. 

“That is never a sound plan,” I said and kissed Jason’s shoulder quickly before going to join Cathy by the packages of cards. Jason followed us through the aisles at a slow amble, just letting us discuss color and texture and potential wording.

After about twenty minutes, the bell over the door rang as someone else came in. Jason glanced up out of habit and then froze, his whole frame becoming utterly still in a way I wasn’t used to seeing. I blinked, then followed his line of sight to the door. A young woman with short, dark hair framing a pixie face, full dark lips and an intense, intelligent gaze was standing just inside the door and scanning the store like she was reading aisle labels. Jason turned his back to her and took two steps towards me quickly, his head ducked slightly. 

“Jason?” When she spoke, she sounded confused and Jason winced, his eyes finding me and looking apologetic. 

Then, his face shifted into someone I barely recognized: organized, smooth, smiling. He turned away from me to address her. “Lucca. It’s been a while.”

“Yeah,” she said slowly as she approached. “I was starting to think you’d fallen off the face of the earth. Except Diane keeps hiring you.” She stopped a few steps away and tilted her head warily, then held out her arms. “Everything okay?”

“Yup,” he replied and gave her a friendly hug. “How’ve you been?”

“Good.” She still seemed wary and her eyes darted toward where Cathy and I were standing. 

I turned back toward where Cathy had been looking earlier, warring internally between wanting to be introduced and wanting to run screaming from the store. Part of me wanted very badly to stand up and be counted, to hold my head high and say confidently that Jason was mine when faced with people he knew from before me. Part of me was still terrified to try to talk to anyone, whether I knew them or not. I ran my fingertips over some of the parchment paper for scrapbooking, just focusing on the texture to keep myself occupied. “Dee?” Cathy asked softly.

“Someone from work,” I said quickly. “It’s okay.”

Cathy curled her arms around me and put her cheek on my shoulder. “You don’t look okay.”

I could hear Jason still talking to Lucca, his voice that mix of calm and amused he used when he was teasing someone without being overly familiar. Lucca laughed and I tried not to flinch. “I’m fine,” I sighed and leaned against Cathy for a second. “I’m just not used to having to share him much.”

Cathy snuggled my shoulder with her little string of sounds. “You guys need a date night? I don’t mind getting lost for 24 hours if you need me to.” 

I smiled and kissed her cheek. “You’re a sweetie. Maybe. I dunno.”

I heard my name and looked up from her in time to see Jason approaching with Lucca just behind him. “You okay?” he asked softly. I nodded quickly with a smile and he smiled back. “Good. This is Lucca Quinn, one of the lawyers who hires me sometimes.” He reached out for my hand and I slipped my fingers between his as he drew me forward. “Lucca, this is my fiancee, Hilde Frank.”

Lucca stared at him, then looked at me, then back at Jason’s face. “Fiancee.” 

Something burned in me and I found myself glaring. “We’re getting married the 18th,” I smiled, using more teeth than necessary. “You’re welcome to come to the reception, if you want.”

Lucca’s eyebrows arched and she looked at me again. “I’m sorry, that came out wrong. It’s nice to meet you, Hilde.” She offered me a hand and I shook it politely. “You’re just… younger than I was expecting.”

I heard Jason sigh. “Lucca, you’re making it worse.”

“I’m sorry,” she snipped, looking at him, “if I’m making you uncomfortable about your child bride, Jason. It just caught me a little off guard.”

“Hey, fuck you!” I cried, unable to hold onto pleasantries anymore. “I’m older than you are! And it’s not my fault you couldn’t keep the matchmaker stars out of your eyes.”

She stared at me. “What?”

“I know about Alicia,” I snarled and Jason sighed, put a hand on my shoulder, tugged me gently backwards. “I know you didn’t believe it was over. Jason was just too nice to tell you off. Well, I’m not.”

“Hilde,” Jason sighed louder. “Stop.”

“No,” I snapped and jerked free of his hand. “Do you know what being with her did to him, Lucca? Do you know?” I stabbed my finger toward the other woman’s chest. “Did you even care? Or were you too preoccupied with your partner instead of your friend? Don’t even try to tell me that you were impartial in that situation.”

Lucca fell back a step, her mouth open and her eyes wide. “What… I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Jason, your girl’s nuts.”

Jason pulled me close and put a hand gently over my mouth. “Shhh,” he whispered in my ear. “Let it go. She doesn’t know. She never needed to.” The burst of adrenaline left me shaking and he sighed, kissing my temple and letting his hand fall to my shoulder again. “Hilde’s not crazy,” he informed Lucca with a sharp edge in his voice. “Nor is she my child bride or my girl. The only thing she is, in this case, is right.” Lucca jerked like she’d been slapped. “I should have told you to back off a long time ago,” he sighed. “I tried, but you just… wouldn’t take the answer.”

“Alicia still loves you, Jason,” Lucca said softly.

I felt him shrug. “That ship has long since sailed. She made her choices, I made mine.” He was quiet for a while.

Lucca watched his face carefully, then shifted her hips and huffed. “Huh. So, that’s just it then?”

Jason laughed weakly and shook his head. “Lucca, it was almost two years ago. Why can’t you just let it go?”

“Because she can’t!” Lucca cried and waved a hand toward the outside. “Please, Jason. Will you at least talk to her?”

“I have.” Jason rocked slowly side to side, holding me close. “She called. I told her then.”

Lucca stared. “She knows?”

“She knows.” Lucca’s face crumbled and she looked down and away, obviously hurt. “I’m sorry, Lucca,” Jason said quietly. “I don’t know why she didn’t tell you.”

“I do.” She smiled thinly and shrugged. “She didn’t think it mattered. I need to go. It was nice seeing you, Jason. Nice to meet you, Hilde.”

We watched as she turned and walked quickly out of the store while the cashier stared after her in bafflement. “Don’t worry,” Cathy caroled from the aisle behind us, “we’re still here to buy stuff!”

“Oh good,” replied the cashier, still looking stunned. “I’m never sure anymore.”

 

Cathy, Jason, and I sat on the floor around the coffee table while Nefret yowled in protest from the bathroom. With wedding invitations scattered across the surface and open bottles of ink, it had seemed safer to lock up the cat. Cathy was carefully lettering the front of the invitation cards after I’d glued in the printed message stating date, time, and location for the reception. Jason was licking the envelopes, addressing them, and applying stamps. We had all been pretty quiet after the incident with Lucca.

“So, that was Lucca,” I finally said to the gluestick I was using to secure the insides of the invitations. 

“Yup,” Jason replied. He slipped another finished card into an envelope, licked the flap, sealed it. 

“Nice girl,” Cathy snorted. She blew lightly on the calligraphy ink, then glanced up. “What is it with you and lawyers, Dee?”

“Moths to flame.” I smiled when Jason finally cracked a smile and I leaned against his shoulder gently. “There he is.”

Jason sighed and put down the envelope he’d been stamping long enough to curl his arm around my hip and kiss me. “Sorry. It’s just been a hell of a day.” I nosed his face and he smiled at me, looking tired. “Lucca’s prickly, but she’s good people at heart. I’m sorry that’s the side of her you saw.”

“I’m sorry I lost my temper,” I said softly. “It just… makes me mad, knowing what happened.”

Jason smiled, almost sheepish, and ran the backs of his fingers down my cheek. “And what do you think happened? You make it sound like Alicia crushed my heart and soul, ripped off my head and spit down my neck. And Lucca just watched it happen.”

I closed my eyes and leaned against his hand. “Alicia didn’t want all of you,” I whispered. “Just parts. The parts she thought she understood, the parts she could control.” When I opened my eyes, Jason wasn’t meeting my gaze, his jaw clenched. “And the parts she didn’t want are the ones I love the most. I want all of you, Jay. Every angle, every expression. Every weird mood, every second of anger or grief or nostalgia or joy.” His eyes closed tightly, but his hand didn’t leave my cheek and I leaned closer to rest my forehead against his. “I love all of you. And it makes me sick that she didn’t.”

Jason’s mouth found mine and I clung to him when he kissed me. I tasted salt and blinked, trying to lean back but he ducked his face away before I could see. His fingers worked into my hair and he let out a long, shaky sigh. “She made her choices. I made mine. And I’m h--” his voice stretched out in a weak rasp before he looked up at me, his eyes blurred with tears. “I’m so happy. Here, with you.” He looked up at Cathy where she sat on the other side of the coffee table, trying to letter the invitations without intruding. “And you, too. It’s good to have friends who… know.”

Cathy’s lips twitched into a smile and she met Jason’s eyes firmly, her blue-green eyes searching. “Who know when you’re happy?”

Jason smiled and sniffed, wiped his eyes with his thumb and forefinger pinched toward the bridge of his nose under his glasses. “Yeah. That.”

“It’s good to know you, too,” Cathy murmured as I tucked myself up under Jason’s arm again and he hugged me close.

 

In bed later that night, Jason lay on his back and studied the ceiling. I was working my fingers through my hair one more time before crawling in beside him, then stopped to sit on the edge of the bed and just watch him. His face was solemn, intense. I could almost see the thoughts working behind his eyes as he picked out each crack and bump in the ceiling. When I didn’t move closer or turn off the light, his head tilted and his eyes found mine. A slow smile curled his lips and he shifted to tuck one arm under his head. “What’re you thinking about?” he asked.

I smiled and shook my head. “I asked you first.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Well, I was going to ask you the same thing.”

He pursed his lips into a comfortable half-frown. “Nothing much.”

“Liar.” He gave me a mockingly shocked, hurt expression and pressed his free hand to his chest. “I was thinking about how transparent you are when something’s on your mind.” I crawled under the blanket and tucked myself up against his side, resting my chin on his chest. “You don’t have to tell me, obviously,” I murmured. “Just don’t lie.”

“Sorry,” he whispered and rolled onto his side to wrap his arms around me. I tucked my face against his chest and inhaled slowly, loving the smell of his skin and the tickle of his chest hair on my nose. “I was thinking about Lucca and what Cathy said about knowing when someone is happy.” His lips brushed my forehead and he relaxed against me, stroking his thumb over my shoulder. “I’m glad Cathy’s so good at reading happiness. I’m not even sure when I’m happy sometimes, let alone if you are.”

I wiggled until I could put my lips on his. “I’m happy,” I whispered.

“Good.” Jason hugged me closer. “I think you broke me earlier.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, looking up with concern.

He smiled. “What you said. About Alicia. I wanted to argue with you. But… I really couldn’t.” Jason shifted and closed his eyes, resting his cheek against the pillow. “Did I tell you what happened when I told her about church?” I shook my head against his hand without speaking and his lips curled in a bitter smile. “‘I don’t want your soul. Just your body.’ She was kidding. It was a joke. But… it…”

“It still hurt.” I swallowed my own emotions down and stroked his hair back from his face. “Because it’s still part of who you are. Even if she didn’t know what to do about it.” When he looked up and smiled sadly at me, I was struck by how much younger he looked. Vulnerable. 

“And you.” He rolled onto his back and pulled me with him. “You, who haven’t set foot in a church since high school. Who get panic attacks even thinking about listening to a sermon.” His fingers tangled in my hair and I leaned down to meet his lips. “You agreed to marry me. In the church. No matter how scary it gets.”

“For better or for worse,” I whispered and smiled at him.

“Forever.” His thumb caressed my cheek and I sighed, leaning against him.

“Forever.”


	14. Chapter 14

It was the week before the wedding.

I woke up Wednesday morning, curled up in a ball on my back. Jason was curled around me, lying on his side with his knees drawn up under my legs and his arms around me. He was still sound asleep, his breathing quiet and even in my ear. He’d probably tangled up with me like this sometime in the night while conscious, then fallen back asleep. I didn’t remember it at all. 

_ It’s Wednesday. Oh shit. Oh shit. Ohshitohshitohshit _

_ Ohs hit _

_ Shit oh shit shit _

_ Ohshitshitohmygodoh shit _

I closed my eyes tightly, hoping that maybe blackness would draw me back from the brink. 

I couldn’t breathe. I gasped.

I flailed my way out of Jason’s arms and bolted for the bathroom. I distantly heard his voice, more of a muzzy grunt than actual words, but I kept going until I could close the door. I dove into the tub and curled up in a ball there, my arms over my head and tears streaming down my face.  _ Ohshitohshitohshitcantdothisohshit _

Someone knocked on the bathroom door and I let out a little sob. “Dee?” It was Cathy. “Can I come in?”

“No,” I moaned.

I could hear a brief conference happening outside the door and pulled my arms tighter around my ears to shut out the sounds. Maybe the tub had been a bad idea: it was magnifying all the sounds, both of them talking but without making any sense and also my own movements. I wondered if there was enough room under the spare bed for me to squish down there and hide. 

“Hilde.” I could barely hear Jason’s voice over the clamor in my mind and the background noise in the tub. But that even, low, calm voice still reached me and I went limp, crying quietly but already starting to calm down. “Please. Can we come in?”

“I’m a mess,” I whispered.

“I don’t care.”

I lay weakly in the bottom of the tub for a few more minutes, sniffling to myself. My mind was still spinning, but hearing Jason’s voice had helped more than I’d expected. “It’s not locked,” I whispered finally and Jason opened the door, followed closely by Cathy.

Jason knelt next to the tub and paused, his expression worried. “Can I touch you?”

A little bubble of panic resurfaced and I looked up at him, unable to articulate what was happening inside. Cathy took one look at my face and crawled into the tub beside me, spooned herself up behind me, and hugged me tightly. I broke down and started to cry again, feeling lost inside my head. I heard Cathy say something to Jason, but words still weren’t making reliable sense.

Fingers worked slowly under my cheek until Jason had my head in his hand, cushioning me from the hard surface of the tub. His other hand slowly stroked my hair away from my face, disentangling the damp strands from my eyelashes, pulling them free of my mouth. “Shhh, it’s okay,” he whispered. “It’s okay. You’re safe. We’re right here. Can you hear me? Baby, we’re right here.”

“Not a baby,” I rasped, my throat raw from hyperventilating. I heard Jason chuckle quietly and his hands were warm on my face. 

“Sorry. I know you’re not.” 

Cathy shifted and rubbed my belly slowly, like she was petting a cat. She made a tiny, adorably feline sound against my shoulder and nuzzled me. “Deedee’s okay,” she whispered and I laughed, trying not to sound bitter. “Been taking your meds?”

“Of…” I stopped cold and thought about it. Had I? I knew I was taking the birth control regularly. That was like clockwork now and I never forgot it. But what about the antidepressants? Had I? They were right next to the birth control. I usually took them together. “I… I’m not sure. I think so.”

Cathy kissed my cheek. “I’ll go count, if it’ll help.” I nodded and she climbed out of the tub to go find my pills. 

Once she was out of the room, Jason leaned over the edge of the tub to kiss my temple. “I need to hold you so bad right now.”

“Handy,” I whispered back and sat up to cling to him. “I need to be held.”

Jason leaned back against the sink and held out his arms, finally drawing me out of the tub and onto the floor of the bathroom. I collapsed against him and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me close with a sigh. “Can you tell me what happened?” he breathed into my hair.

“It’s Wednesday,” I replied in a small voice.

He was utterly silent for a moment and I could almost feel his confusion radiating off him. Finally, he kissed my hair and said, “Yes. It is.”

“We’re getting married in four days.”

“We are.”

I swallowed hard and peeked up into his face. “Jay, your family’s coming today.”

His dark eyes studied my face for a second and then I saw the little lightbulb go on. “Oh. Shit.”

“Yeah,” I replied with a sardonic little nod. “That’s what I’ve been saying since I woke up.”

“There’s 8 in the bottle,” Cathy said from around the corner. “You’ve got another bottle, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s not open,” I called back. 

Jason hugged me a little tighter and muttered, “Oh, shit.”

I looked at him and chuckled. “Okay, only one of us is allowed to panic at a time.” I kissed his chest and smiled up at him. “As the bride, I call dibs.” I thought about what Cathy had said, then called, “Which way was the bottle facing when you found it?”

Cathy stuck her head around the bathroom door, looking confused. “Towards the wall?”

“No, cap up or cap down?”

“Cap up.” 

I winced. “I’ve missed at least one. It’s usually cap down first thing on even days.”

Jason went very still and I looked at him. “There’s a pattern to that?” His face was worried.

“Yeah?” I replied just as warily. “I flip it after I’ve taken my pill so I’ll know if I’ve taken it that day if I forget later. I don’t usually need the reminder, but it doesn’t hurt. Why?”

“Nefret knocked the bottle down,” he said in a sheepish voice. “I picked it up and set it cap up. Didn’t think about it.”

I pursed my lips and tucked my chin uncomfortably. “When?”

“I… I don’t remember.” Jason pushed his face into my hair with a little groan. “I’m so sorry, Hilde. I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay,” I told him and wriggled until he released me. I stood up carefully and went into the bedroom to hunt down the bottle. When I found the little folder of birth control pills, I checked and chewed my lip hard; I had missed two days of birth control, too. The stress of planning the wedding must have gotten to me. I popped two birth control pills out of the packaging and dry-swallowed them quickly, then shook a Prozac out of the bottle and set it cap-up. Jason and Cathy were standing in the hallway, Cathy looking worried and Jason looking morose. “I’m not dying,” I laughed at them. “I just need a glass of water.”

“A minute ago, you were sobbing in the tub,” Cathy replied, still worried. 

“I’m good at transferring my panic, once I get a grip on it.”

“Is that why I’m hyperventilating?” Jason asked nervously.

“Sorry,” I said and stood on my toes to kiss him. He took a deep breath and then let it out again before kissing me back. “See? It’s easier to transfer it to someone who deals with it better.”

“I wish it was that simple all the time,” he sighed and hugged me.

“Yeah, me, too.”

We reassembled in the kitchen once pills were taken and Cathy had found clothing she felt more comfortable in. Jason made eggs while I stared fixedly at the coffee pot, waiting for it to finish enough for a cup. Cathy came up behind me and hugged me, then joined me in staring at the coffee pot. “So, we have to get dressed today?” Cathy asked me.

“Yeah, there’s people.”

“Family, but they’re still people,” Jason added.

“When are they coming?”

“They left yesterday and were staying overnight somewhere.” Jason paused to sprinkle some curry powder on the eggs. “I think they were expecting to be here around lunchtime.”

“Their lunchtime or ours?” I asked and Jason blinked.

“Right, time change. Ours, I think.”

I hopped up onto the counter and sat there with my legs dangling. “I can do this,” I said cheerfully. “I won’t panic. Not me. Not a bit.” I let out a semi-hysterical laugh and grinned when Jason looked at me nervously. “At least it’s on our turf this time.”

“You make it sound like a gunfight.”

I pulled the elastic out of my hair and wrapped it around my fingers before aiming it at Jason’s butt when he turned away. “Reach fer the sky,” I drawled and released it. I missed and the elastic bounced high off his hip instead, but he glanced at me with an amused smile. “Remember what I told you about meeting family when we were in Michigan?”

“Yes,” Jason sighed and nodded. “And I’m remembering that feeling, too. No wonder you were crying in the tub.” He dumped scrambled eggs onto three plates and turned off the burner. “Toast?”

“Please.”

“Cathy?”

“I’d like Cathy buttered and toasted, yes,” I grinned. Cathy smacked my shoulder with the back of her hand and laughed.

“I would like toast, yes, please.”

“Oh, he wasn’t asking if he should toast you?” I kissed the top of Cathy’s head and she swatted at me again. 

“I keep forgetting how literal you are,” she snickered and collected a plate of eggs.

“Love Hilde, love her literal streak,” Jason added and kissed me.

“This is really good, Jason,” Cathy gasped as she tried the eggs.

“Hilde started the curry and eggs thing,” he admitted with a smile. “I picked it up from her.”

Cathy looked at me and I swallowed a forkful of eggs slowly without meeting her eyes. She and I both knew the curry powder had been Drew’s signature. I hadn’t mentioned that part to Jason and didn’t really want to get into it now. “My aunt gave me some really awesome curry powder a few years ago,” I said instead. “I think I’m finally actually running out of it.”

“Any idea where you want to go for lunch?” Cathy asked.

Jason and I exchanged glances and both shrugged. I made an inarticulate note progression which roughly came out to “I don’t know.” I ate some more eggs and Jason took the toast out of the toaster oven before the timer rang. “I guess I was sort of thinking about getting stuff from the deli and having sandwiches,” I admitted finally.

“That’d work,” Jason agreed. “We’ve got bread and there’s a good deli not far from here.”

“Maybe salad or--YEOW!” Cathy screamed and jumped sideways when Nefret suddenly sank her claws into my best friend’s calf. “Neffy!”

“What the hell, cat!?” I cried and Nefret glared at me petulantly. She disengaged her claws and stalked to where her dish was sitting, still empty. “Oh, hell. Forgot to feed her.”

“There are better ways to communicate that!” Cathy protested, rubbing blood from her pierced skin. 

“My panic attack probably messed her up,” I sighed. I retrieved a can of wet food from the fridge and dumped the remaining third onto her plate. “She hates those.”

“I hate those, too,” Jason murmured as I threw the can way and I smiled at him.

 

***

 

I walked down to the deli around eleven thirty while Cathy and Jason finished tidying the apartment to his family’s expectations. I bought hard salami and smoked ham, turkey and capicola, one of my favorite red-peppered hams. I bought some thin-sliced roast beef. I bought sliced provolone and cheddar and gouda. I bought a little tub of homemade tuna salad and a loaf of fresh whole wheat bread. My stomach was growling by the time I started back to our apartment, bags hugged to my chest.

As I came closer to our apartment, I saw a woman standing outside on the sidewalk, peering up at the building. She was striking, a little shorter than I was and slight with jet black hair tied in a long ponytail down her back. She had a petite face with dark, smokey eyes and a manner of no-nonsense focus about her. Dressed in heeled boots and a leather jacket, I couldn’t help but admire both her style and her self-possessed beauty. When she spotted me on the sidewalk, her expression shifted from that focused attention to a look of helpless relief. Something about the shift was familiar and I found myself caught a little off-guard.

“Oh, thank god. Can you help me?” she asked me hurriedly. There was a faintly European accent in her voice, almost English but not quite. “I’m supposed to be meeting someone here about flowers for a wedding? But I can’t seem to figure out how to get in.”

I raised one eyebrow and glanced at our building. “Have you tried buzzing them?”

She looked incredibly embarrassed. “I would, but I can’t remember the apartment number and her name’s not on the list.”

“Who are you looking for?”

“Hilde Frank?”

I stared at her for a minute, then chuckled. “Heh, wow. No idea who you are, but that line won’t work. I’m Hilde Frank.”

Her dark skin paled and she glanced me over for a second. “But… I’m sorry, there must be some mistake.”

“I’m she,” I said with a shrug. “Sorry to disappoint. And we went with artificials. They’re already wrapped and everything. It’s like the one thing I managed to get done ahead of schedule.” I walked past her and added over my shoulder lightly, “Nice try, though.”

As I slipped into the building and pulled the door shut behind me, I heard an explosive sound of something hitting a metal trash bin and a slightly accented voice shout, “FUCK!” I grinned to myself.

I fumbled with the door a few times before Jason let me in, letting out a long whistle at the bundles of food. “Did you leave anything for the neighbors?”

“No.” I spread the bounty on the table and shrugged out of my jacket again. After a second, I paused and looked back at Jason. “Is there any reason you can think of that someone would be looking for me?”

“Only the obvious ones,” he said with a shrug. “Family here for the wedding, a friend from school, something like that. Why?”

I looked back at the door and twisted my lips into a half-frown. “Someone was on the sidewalk trying to find a way into the building. She claimed she was looking for me about flowers for the wedding. But she didn’t know me and I know I’ve never seen her before. We got lucky that she asked me and not whoever it was that let Cathy in.”

Jason went very still, then turned and looked at me, his eyes intense with thought. “What did she look like?”

“Cute, about my height, killer boots, great eyeliner. Dark hair, long.” I hung up my coat and returned to meet his eyes. “Why?”

Jason paced a few times, then went to the wall beside the kitchen door and leaned against it, arms crossed over his chest and his face dark. “There was an investigator who worked around Chicago a few years back. Kalinda Sharma. She was good. Really good.” He paused and looked at me, frowning. “She was house investigator for the firm Alicia started out working for. She left a few years ago, no reason, no real warning. Just… poof. If there’s anyone who knows how to vanish, it’s an investigator. Rumor had it that this wasn’t the first time she pulled a move like that, either.”

“She had an accent,” I said with a shrug. “Couldn’t place it, but it wasn’t North American. Or South American, for that matter. I’d guess English or somewhere European.”

“That sounds like Kalinda.”

I tilted my head while Cathy sorted through the deli meats on the table. “Why would she be looking for me?”

“She probably isn’t.” Jason pulled at his bottom lip, still staring intently into the middle distance. “Not directly, anyway. But if Alicia asked her to investigate you…”

I stared, then closed my eyes with a sigh. “You think she’d do that?”

“Maybe.” I felt him move close to me and wrap his arms around me, pressing his lips to my forehead. “Thing is, what happened down there is a rookie move. If she’s investigating you, she should have at least found a picture by now so she could recognize you on the street.” I leaned my face into his chest with a sigh and felt him kiss the top of my head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Maybe it’s StarSearch,” Cathy chirped from the table. “Looking for their next big star.” She waved her arms dramatically, then peeked to see if I was watching. 

“Yeah, can’t you just see me?” I snorted. “Up on stage, house lights low, while I frantically do research for a patron while trying to suppress a panic attack.” I moved my hands in circles, miming a juggling act. “And then my big finale is forgetting everything important I was supposed to do today! Tada! Jazz hands!” I waved my fingers at Cathy while she giggled.

Jason smiled and hugged me quickly. “Whatever it was, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I think we’ll have our hands plenty full for the next few days without StarSearch or anybody’s private investigators sniffing around.”

“True.” I leaned up and kissed him. “So. About lunch.”


	15. Chapter 15

The buzzer buzzed.

I gave a little scream from the bathroom, where I’d been washing my hands. Cathy gave an answering little scream from the spare bedroom. I could hear Jason laughing at us as he answered the buzzer: “Yeah?”

I peeked around the doorframe and peered down the hallway as the buzzer responded, “Jackass, jackass, let us in.” There was some muffled rustling down the light, some laughter, then another voice added, “Please.”

I heard Jason press the buzzer release and grinned at me from the door. “My brothers. Charming.”

“They sound it,” I said quietly, chewing my bottom lip.

Jason sighed and came down the hallway to gather me into a hug. “You are going to be fine. They’re harmless. Mostly.” He kissed me gently and I leaned against him, pushing my face into the softness of his shirt. “Just don’t get freaked out by Mom’s memory issues and you’ll be fine.”

“Memory issues?” I asked in surprise.

Jason opened his mouth, blushed a little, and then there came a knock on the door. He kissed me quickly and rushed to open it. The door practically burst open and two men blasted through it to tackle Jason in hugs. The volume was incredible and I instinctively retreated back into the bathroom for a moment, my eyes squinted shut. A moment later, I felt Cathy touch my wrist. “You’ll be fine,” she whispered and smiled at me. Slowly, she guided me out of the bathroom and into the hallway so we could watch the reunion.

No one could deny that these three men were related. Jason’s bright smile shown out of all of their faces and Oliver looked shockingly like the pictures I’d seen of Jason at the same age, only shorter and more heavily built. “I didn’t know so much pretty existed in the world,” I commented softly and Cathy laughed.

Oliver was talking rapidly and with a great deal of excitement to Jason about something that I couldn’t catch while Lucas’s eyes took in the apartment. He found me first: black eyes zooming in on me from down the hall. A slow, curling smile crossed his lips and he elbowed Oliver sharply. “Psst. Check it out. Fox in the wild.” Oliver looked up instinctively and Jason glared.

“Aren’t you married?” Jason snapped at him and Lucas laughed.

“Naw, she left me. Again.” He shrugged out of his leather jacket and tossed it vaguely toward the nearest chair. “Her loss.”

Jason shook his head and reached one arm out to pull Oliver into a headlock/hug. “Missed you guys.”

“Missed you, too,” Oliver replied, hugging Jason hard.

Lucas was already ambling down the hall to smile at me. I stared up at him, painfully aware that he was at least Jason’s height if not a little taller and had that slow, almost predatory smile that usually signaled to me that something potentially uncomfortable was going to happen. I backed up a step and ran into Cathy behind me; she put a steadying hand on my back. “I’m Lucas,” he informed me, holding out a hand.

“Hilde,” I managed. I looked at his hand for a second, then managed to swallow back my instinct to flee to shake his hand.

“Luke.” Jason’s voice was surprisingly sharp. “Back off. Now.” He took two long steps toward the hallway, leaving Oliver looking nervous and wary in the doorway.

“I’m just saying hello,” Lucas said with a laugh in his voice. He turned to face Jason and then stopped when he saw the look on his brother’s face. “I’m sorry, Jay. I didn’t mean anything.”

Jason cuffed him lightly on the shoulder and gave him a little shove to the side before looking at me, eyes searching and serious. “You okay?”

I shook my head dismissively and smiled. “I’m fine.”

Jason pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead before turning back to his brothers with an embarrassed grin. “Guys, this is Hilde Frank. Hilde, my brothers Lucas and Oliver. And this is Cathy, Hilde’s friend.” Cathy waved cheerfully to them. “Olly, is Astrid coming?”

“She’s getting Mom settled at the hotel,” Oliver said with a nod. “We came over early.”

“Had to see what finally convinced our big brother to lay down the wandering life.” Lucas was grinning at me and Jason gave him another warning glare.

“Someone who wanders,” I replied with a smile and I felt Jason’s lips press against the top of my head.

“That…” Lucas paused, considered, then nodded. “That makes a lot of sense, actually.” He turned away to address himself to Cathy. “And how about you, beautiful? Do you wander?”

“No,” Cathy replied shortly and walked past him into the living room.

“Ouch.”

I chuckled and Jason grinned, rocking me slowly. “We’ve got stuff for sandwiches, if you want,” he said. “It’s on the table and there’s Coke in the fridge.”

“And Mountain Dew,” I added.

Oliver’s phone chirped and he excused himself to the hall to answer while the rest of us descended on the cold cuts and bread. Cathy poured sodas and Jason reached up into one of the high cabinets where he’d hidden a package of Oreos. I glared at him and poked him in the ribs when I saw it. “Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “I knew it wouldn’t survive if you knew about it.”

“Fair enough,” I sighed and stuffed an entire slice of capicola in my mouth. “Oh. God. Why do I not eat this every day?”

“Because it’s expensive?”

“It’s really not,” I chuckled. “It’s just inconvenient because the grocery stores don’t sell it.” I glanced up to find Lucas watching me with a half-smile on his face that reminded me of the way Jason had looked at me at the library the first time. I felt myself blushing and turned back to tuck against Jason’s side. He automatically looped one arm around my waist as he took a bite of sandwich. 

The door opened and Oliver came back in. “Astrid,” he explained. “She said Mom’s settled, but tired. If we want to see her, we should probably go there.” He tucked his phone into his pocket, then paused and gave Lucas an odd look. “Dude, are you okay?”

Lucas looked up in surprise. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“You just look like you’re ready to cry or something.”

“I do not.” Lucas turned away and took a sip of soda. “Just thinking.”

“About what?” Oliver’s voice held amusement and incredulity. 

Lucas glared at him, then glanced at me, then at Jason. “You look happy.” 

Jason’s face relaxed and he smiled, looking down at me. “I am.”

“Good.” Lucas walked over and punched his brother lightly in the shoulder. “It’s about fucking time.” He leaned down to whisper to me, “This guy’s been keeping our family together for years. YEARS. He deserves a little happy.”

“I’m doing my best,” I whispered back with a smile.

 

***

 

Cathy decided to stay at the apartment with Nefret while we went to the hotel to meet Jason’s mother and Oliver’s wife, Astrid. They were staying at the Comfort Inn, not too bad as far as accommodations went. I curled up in the passenger seat of the truck while Jason drove. I tried not to fret: meeting his brothers had gone fairly well. “What did you mean about memory issues?” I finally asked.

Jason chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, then licked his lips, nervous. “I should have told you earlier. I’m sorry I didn’t. Mom has Alzheimer’s. She was diagnosed years ago, but it’s been moving pretty slow, as far as these things go. She’s still mostly there, usually. When she’s under stress, it gets worse and she’s more likely to forget what year it is. She’s called me by my father’s name more than once when she’s upset and he’s been dead since ‘92.” He paused and glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. “You’ll be okay?”

“I’ll be okay.” I smiled gently. “Honestly, I’ve got experience with this. I worked at an assisted living home for a full summer while my grandmother was still alive.”

“She might think you’re an aide sometimes,” Jason continued. “We had a nurse’s aide a few years ago who looked a little like you. Her name was Lisa.”

“I can answer to Lisa,” I smiled. 

“Astrid takes care of her.” Jason’s eyebrows dipped down and I watched him struggle against a frown. “Astrid takes care of her and Oliver, both. I don’t even want to think about what would have happened if Olly hadn’t met her.”

“Does Oliver need much taking care of?” I asked in surprise. “He seems pretty together.”

“Olly… does okay.” Jason smiled wryly. “He’s a lot better than he used to be. I used to get weekly calls from him in tears because of something he felt like he’d messed up. Or something he HAD messed up. But he’s a sweet guy, even if his brain’s not top-shelf.”

“That seems harsh,” I said with a frown.

Jason shrugged a little. “Maybe. But he struggles a lot. He did in school. I spent six months tutoring him for the GED and he still had to take it three times to pass. He doesn’t have a mind for facts. But he does have a heart for people.”

“Sometimes, that’s more important.”

Jason glanced at me and smiled. “Astrid said the same thing.” He parked the truck outside the hotel and we climbed out to meet up with Lucas and Oliver in the lobby. Lucas was busily flirting with the girl behind the counter, who was politely rebuffing him. Oliver stood off to the side, looking embarrassed. I shook my head slowly and Jason rolled his eyes. “Lucas. Down, boy.”

When Lucas looked away from her, the desk clerk exhaled and looked relieved. “I was just talking,” he said sullenly.

“You were flirting with a girl at work,” Jason replied coolly. “Which is grade-A asshole behavior.”

“I wasn’t being an asshole!” He turned to the girl and waved a hand at Jason, “Tell him I was being good.”

“You were being an asshole,” I said shortly and he blinked. “She can’t say it because she’s at work. It’s her job to be friendly so leave her the hell alone.” Lucas slunk away toward the elevator and I paused by the desk to ask, “He wasn’t being too bad, was he?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary,” she giggled. “But thank you.”

“Customer service reps have to stick together,” I grinned and she returned the smile with a nod. I joined Jason and Oliver in the elevator. “She’s fine,” I told them.

“Luke’s not a bad guy,” Oliver said softly. “Just enthusiastic.”

“And an asshole,” Jason added and I laughed.

“It takes one to know one,” I grinned and bumped against his arm. 

“We are related, a bit.”

We walked down the hallway together until we reached a suite of rooms with the doors standing open. A pretty blonde leaned out as we came up and her already attractive face blossomed into a brilliant smile when she spotted us. “That must be Astrid,” I said.

“Yup,” said Oliver, sounding very much like his brother. “How’s Mom?” he asked his wife as we came up.

“She’s doing okay, all things considered,” Astrid replied and stood on her toes to kiss Oliver. “A little confused about the hotel room, but if I tell her we’re in Chicago, she remembers why, right away.” She smiled up at Jason. “Hey, Jay. Long time, no see.”

“Astrid.” He leaned down and pulled her into a warm hug. “Thank you again for taking care of my family.”

“Our family,” she reminded him and smiled. “And this must be The Girl.”

“Hilde,” Jason grinned. “This is Astrid. Astrid, Hilde Frank.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said, trying to smile and not be nervous.

She shook my hand and smiled encouragingly. “I know that look. You’re terrified.”

“It happens,” I managed with a weak grin.

“I swear, we don’t bite. You ready to go in?” When I gave Jason a glance, I could feel the blood draining out of my face and he chuckled. “Or not,” Astrid continued cheerfully. “We can stand out here a minute. Get to know you.”

“I’m going to go see Mom,” Jason said and kissed my cheek. “Astrid will take good care of you. I promise.”

I reached out and grabbed his hand quickly, squeezing until he came back to stand close to me again. “I love you,” I whispered.

He closed his eyes and smiled, swaying a little. “I’ll never get tired of hearing that. I love you, too.” Jason leaned down and kissed me gently, then nosed against my face. “I’ll be right here. Come in when you’re ready, okay?” When I nodded, he slipped away with Oliver close behind and I could hear their voices talking inside, punctuated by a quiet, female voice.

“It’s more than nerves, isn’t it?” Astrid leaned against the wall and smiled at me. She was a good four or five inches taller than me, with shoulder-length blonde hair that fell in soft waves around her face. Her face was long with a narrow chin, but her smile opened up what might have otherwise been a pinched face. 

I nodded weakly and leaned against the wall beside her. “Anxiety disorder,” I admitted softly.

“Ah.” She nodded and I was surprised by the recognition in her face. When I raised an eyebrow, she smiled. “I majored in psychology in school. I keep my hand in, mostly in geriatric care, but other general fields poke in sometimes, too.”

I tilted my head slowly. “So, is Mrs. Crouse your client?”

“Not directly. I don’t think I’d trust myself for some of the calls that need to be made from a clinical point of view. She has a home aide who comes in a few times a week and I’m on speed-dial for when she’s confused and needs someone.”

I nodded. “Must be tough.”

“It is.” She sighed and leaned her head back against the wall, eyes closed. “But I love her. Just like I love Olly. She’s family, no matter what.” Astrid turned her head and peeked at me out of one eye. “Jason didn’t tell you, did he?”

“Not until the drive over.” I tried to hide how much that stung. 

“Jason plays a lot close to the vest,” Astrid said with a small smile. “Weaknesses are probably the worst. But I’m sure you already know that.” I nodded without speaking and she chuckled, “He didn’t tell us about you until he was inviting us to the wedding.”

I chewed my bottom lip uncomfortably. “I suppose that makes me a weakness.”

Astrid turned her head sharply and she said, “I didn’t say that.” 

I didn’t look at her, fixing my eyes on the wallpaper border on the other side of the hallway instead. I could hear her talking, still pushing gently to make sure I didn’t think she’d meant anything negative. I knew she hadn’t meant it, but now the seed was in there and I couldn’t get it out again. As I found myself getting trapped inside my own head, I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Hilde.” I blinked and looked at Astrid’s intense green eyes. “Don’t get lost. Okay? It’s better out here than it is in there.”

I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it again and smiled, grateful. “Thank you.”

She drew me into a hug and smiled. “You’re shortly to become family. It’s the least I can do.” When she let me go, Astrid tilted her chin down so she could meet my eyes. “You ready to go meet Medusa?”

“I’m already stone,” I snorted. “Might as well.”

Jennifer Crouse was in her late 70s. Her hair was grey and white, kept in a tidy bob that suited her face and balanced by the tortoiseshell cats eye glasses perched on her long nose. When Astrid stepped back into the suite of rooms ahead of me, Jenny looked up with a keen focus to her hazel eyes that surprised me. “Astrid. Did you find her?”

“Yes, Mom,” chuckled Astrid. “She wasn’t far lost. Hilde, this is Jenny Crouse. Mom, this is Jason’s girlfriend, Hilde.”

The older woman streamed across the floor and caught me up in a tight hug that made me squeak. She was surprisingly strong for someone her age and I noted that she smelled lightly of lavender and something like almonds. With her arms around me, she began to whisper something under her breath, rapid and urgent but I couldn’t understand any of the words. I tried to see Jason’s face and found him with one hand over his mouth, suppressing laughter. “Thank God she found you,” Jenny gasped finally and leaned back to cup her palms on either side of my face. “I’m so sorry Jason left you behind, sweetheart. He never should have done that.”

“I’m fine,” I managed to squeak. “Really.”

“Mom,” Jason finally sighed and put a hand on her shoulder. “Hilde was waiting out in the hallway. Until she felt less nervous about coming in. She wasn’t lost and I didn’t leave her behind.”

She gave him a vicious glare. “Really, Jason. It’s bad enough that you left her out there by herself. At least man up to it.” He rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “And don’t you roll your eyes at me!” Jason’s mother turned back to me and stared intently into my face for another few seconds. She looked so much like the pictures I’d seen of her mother that I felt a little disoriented for a moment, then she patted my cheek gently. “Sweet Hildur.” 

I stared. She stared back.

“Hilde, Mom,” Jason corrected.

“A-actually, she’s right,” I said weakly. “That’s how it’s pronounced in Old Norse.”

“Of course I’m right,” she said cheerfully and kissed my forehead. “I’m not so far gone as all of that, after all.” She took my hand and tucked it under her arm, then half-dragged me across the room to the couch. She parked herself there and smiled at me. “You’re Jason’s librarian. I’m so happy you’re here.”

“Me, too,” I said and let myself sink into the cushions next to her.

 

***

 

By the time evening came and we had settled into a comfortable rhythm, Jenny talked to me like she had known me forever. And she encouraged the same familiarity in me. I loved her, instantly and deeply, and I could see why Astrid found Jason’s attempts to thank her for helping absurd: you couldn’t NOT want to help Jenny Crouse. She was charismatic and warm, friendly and thoughtful, viciously funny and sharply intelligent. 

And seeing the moments when she slipped broke my heart.

One moment, she’d be talking to Jason about plans for the wedding. The next, she’d stop and look at her hands, then start talking to Astrid like they were still in New Jersey and what plans needed to be made for the next day’s shopping trip. She’d recover and look at me, a mingling of fear and shame in her eyes that made me want to hug her every time. She knew there were fragments in her mind, holes that didn’t make sense. She knew it and it terrified her.

I could identify.

So I just held her hand when she got confused. And she smiled at me. Sometimes, she couldn’t remember my name, called me Lisa, or Janet, or Vera. And sometimes she’d start to cry for no reason and the boys would look at each other, helpless and unsure. And I held out my arms and she held me until it passed, with Astrid slowly rubbing her back and crooning, “It’s okay, Mom. It’s okay, we’re right here.”

I looked at Jason and suddenly had a flash of why he knew so intuitively how to cope with my panic attacks. I closed my eyes and hugged my future mother-in-law closer. “Love you,” I whispered. She gave a little hiccuped sob.

As much as I loved this family already, I was exhausted, both emotionally and physically. Around seven, Jason caught my eye and raised one eyebrow slowly. I closed my eyes and nodded, just enough to let him see how tired I was. “Well, we’ve got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow,” he said quickly and started to stand up.

“Do you have to go so soon?” Jenny looked like someone was taking away her favorite dessert. “You just got here.”

“We’ll see you sometime again tomorrow,” he promised and came over to kiss her.

Before I could stand up, Jenny grabbed my hand and pulled me back into a hug. “Just a second. I’m not done with you.” She took my face in her hands again and stared at me, her hazel-blue eyes searching every inch of my face. There were tears shimmering there and I swallowed, starting to blush. “I want to remember you tomorrow,” she whispered to me.

I stared at her for a second, then brought my hands up to cup her face in return. “You will, Mom.” 

Her smile through the tears that ran down her face broke my heart all over again and she hugged me tightly. “You’re perfect,” she whispered. “Take good care of my boy, Hilde. He needs someone like you.”

“I’ll try,” I whispered back, feeling the tears slipping down my own face. “We’ll see you tomorrow, Mom.”

In the hallway, Astrid stopped us with a hand on my arm. “She’s right, you know,” she whispered softly. “You belong in this family. You’re already one of us.” I smiled my thanks and she hugged me quickly before I followed Jason down to the parking lot and the truck.


	16. Chapter 16

I stretched out in bed beside Jason, my cheek pressed against his chest and one hand slowly tracing one of his tattoos. He had one arm looped around me, holding me close, and the other was holding a book braced against his belly while he read. I’d already taken my glasses off for the night and was just enjoying being close to him. His chest hair tickled against my nose and I exhaled sharply, blowing it free. I felt more than heard him chuckle and his hand on my side stroked slowly up and down. “Should I shave it off?”

“Hell, no!” I looked up at him in alarm, then pushed my nose firmly into the center of his chest, nuzzling into his chest hair. “I like my men fuzzy.”

“I’ll keep it in mind,” he murmured, grinning. 

Without lifting my face from his chest, I worked one hand over his neck and chin, wriggling my fingertips into his beard. “Same goes for this.” He turned his head and kissed the inside of my wrist. I peeked up at him, trying to squint enough to work out details of his expression without my glasses. Jason grinned at me, a flash of teeth in the darkness of his beard before he kissed my wrist again. I sighed and closed my eyes, letting my cheek rest against his chest again. “That’s nice.”

“Yeah?” he murmured, grazing his lips against the soft skin until my fingers started to tingle. I curled my fingertips against his face and Jason grinned again. “So, you like your men fuzzy, vaguely aggressively masculine…”

“Maybe I don’t always like my men like I like my wine,” I interrupted him and moved his book to the bedside table before straddling him and kissing him slowly. Jason relaxed into the pillows with a soft sigh and dropped his hands to my hips. “Because I like you. But I’m not nuts about sweet wine. Or wine that’s gentle.” Jason chuckled softly against my lips and I smiled at him. “Or wine that takes care of its family. That can call its own brother an asshole and still love him.” 

Jason’s hands slid slowly up and down my hips as he watched my face, a small smile curling his lips. “So, you go for more the bad boy kind of wine, huh? More the asshole wine type.”

“I think this metaphor has gotten a little strained,” I murmured. I stroked my thumbs over his cheeks, keeping my face close enough so I could see him clearly. “I like wine that goes good with pizza and steak. Dark, peppery, smokey. And I like you. You’re the only man I want.” I brushed my lips against his and smiled when he groaned in the back of his throat. “I’m not a one-wine kind of girl. But I am a one-man kind of girl.”

“Thought you were poly,” he murmured softly, lips chasing mine.

“I am,” I whispered. “I’m also bi. And I’m marrying you in a few days. You’re what I want, Jason.”

“For now?”

I gave him a firm glare. “For always.”

Jason stopped the teasing of his lips against mine to meet my eyes. I could feel his breath hitching under my hands. “Say it again,” he whispered, pleading.

“For always.”

He surged up under me and kissed me hard, pulling me down to him and wrapping himself around me. He buried his hands in my hair and held me close as he kissed me. Finally, he let go enough for us both to catch our breath. “You don’t have no idea how much I needed that,” he breathed. “I never want to be someone’s ‘for now’ again. I’m done with that.”

I curled my fingers against the back of his head, stroked my thumbs along the sides of his neck, just under his ears, then kissed him again, taking the time to enjoy him. “You’re my ‘for always,’ Jason. I love you. And I’m never going to stop.”

“Small miracles,” he whispered against my skin and kissed me again. And again. And again.

 

***

 

There was a knock on the door. I sighed, shaking my head. I was still wet from the shower, my glasses still fogged from the steam. I wrapped myself in a towel and stepped out of the shower. “Just a second,” I called and walked into the bedroom.

I dressed.

I walked into the living room.

But something was wrong. Something was off. I looked again. This was old. 

Old.

My apartment in Virginia. 

Our. Apartment. In Virginia.

Confused, I looked at the worn orange loveseat, the old tube TV, my desktop computer beside the closet. “Connor?” I whispered.

The knock came on the door again and I froze. 

I knew where I was. I knew when I was.

“This already happened,” I breathed. I shook my head and backed away from the door. “No. I’m not doing it again.”

“Hilde?” 

It wasn’t my father-in-law’s voice.

It was Oliver.

Nefret curled around my ankle, purring. I stumbled as I reached for the door. I leaned against it for a second, just trying to breathe. “Hilde, it’s Olly. Please. Let me in.”

“No,” I gasped. I could hear how broken my own voice sounded. “No, Olly.”

“Please.” He was crying and I could hear it, feel it in my chest. 

“Don’t,” I begged him. “Don’t keep going. Don’t say what you’re going to say. Olly, please. Don’t.”

“It’s Jason.”

I left my legs giving out and I slid down the door, panic and tears filling and overflowing. “No.”

“There was an accident.”

“No.”

“He’s… it’s bad. Hilde? You need to come.”

“NO!” 

I screamed the last word and cascaded into a wild, fragmented hellscape of flashed images: Jason’s body, broken in a hospital bed. Connor’s funeral. Sobbing into my mother-in-law’s arms--but was it Rochelle or Jenny? Refusing to leave the grave, my hand pressed into the dirt that covered my husband. Olly and Astrid begging me to come home. Jenny with her hands over her face, sobbing.

“Hilde!”

I gasped and screamed again, finally coming awake. There were arms around me. I was shaking violently, still deeply gripped by the panic of the dream. The arms held me tightly, rocking slowly in the bed and a face pressed into my shoulder. “I’m right here, Hilde. Baby, can you hear me? I’m right here.”

“I won’t do it again,” I babbled frantically. “I can’t. Olly, don’t make me. Please?” I shook my head, my sweat-damp hair plastered to my face. “I can’t do it.  I can’t.” I struggled against the arms holding me, the voice not registering except as a dark, familiar rumble. He let me go and I bolted out of the bed, dropping to my knees beside the dresser and sobbing hysterically. “I did it once. I can’t bury another one. I can’t.”

“Hilde?” 

When his voice reached me, something cleared in my mind and I looked back at Jason’s horrified face. “God, Jason.” I launched back into the bed to cling to him. “You’re okay.” I whimpered. I couldn’t hold it back. His arms were around me again, holding me to his chest as he rolled slowly onto his back. I thought the trembling I felt was just my own terror, until I shifted and looked up at his face. 

Jason’s face was streaked with tears as he stared at me. “I’m fine. I’m right here. Been here all night. What’s wrong?”

I cupped my palms to his cheeks and kissed him soundly, then wiped my thumbs over his tears. “It must have been a nightmare. It was. That makes sense. Nightmare.” 

“You called me Olly.”

I blinked and looked at him again, realized that was what had him so upset. I closed my eyes and tried to smother a weak laugh before kissing him again. “Jason, I dreamed you were dead. Killed like Connor was, in a car accident. And that Oliver came to tell me, the way Connor’s dad did. I thought I was hearing Oliver trying to tell me you were gone.”

After a moment’s stillness, Jason exhaled sharply and hugged his arms more tightly around me. We clung together in the darkness, just feeling each other breathe. “Don’t scare me like that,” he whispered finally against my neck. 

I laughed softly. “It’s you I love,” I whispered back, “not the Crouse genetics. Your brothers might look like you, but I’m in love with  _ you _ .”

He hugged me harder until I squeaked, unable to breathe. After a second, Jason released me and met my eyes, his nose against mine. “Thank you.” I kissed him and he smiled, slowly working his fingers back into my hair. “I know I come off confident, but I think there’s always a part that’s scared of losing you.”

“Why?”

Jason’s eyes were sad, but he smiled a little. “I do have two younger brothers, Hilde. Lucas is more exciting, takes more risks and some girls like that. Obviously, since he’s been married twice. And he’s already made it more than clear that he’s interested.”

I snorted. “What Lucas has made clear is that he’s interested in just about everything that moves, dear. And honestly, he scares me. Very much not my type.”

“Oliver’s got a better temperament and he’d worship you.” Jason ran a hand slowly down my back, letting it rest against the slope of my spine. “He’s younger.”

“He’s married,” I reminded him and kissed him again. “And I’m not much for being worshipped. Respected, yes. Enjoyed, sure. But worship? Not my bag.” I nosed his face. “You trying to talk me out of this?”

“You asked why I was scared.” Jason stroked my cheek. “That’s why.”

“You’re scared I’ll leave you for your married younger brother or your crazy asshole younger brother?” 

He paused, his lips pressed together. “Well, when you put it like that…”

“The only way you could lose me to a younger man involves time travel,” I chuckled quietly and kissed him. “And then you’d just lose me to yourself. Even then, it might be a hard sell.”

“Depends on how far back you go,” Jason murmured back. “Ten years ago, I was a very different person.

I smiled at him, slowly stroking my fingers through his hair. “So was I.”

 

***

 

By Thursday, almost all of our family had arrived in Chicago. It was officially getting stressful to plan meals, since everyone wanted to see us. When my phone actually started to ring with phone calls, Cathy took it from me and appointed herself my secretary. Jason tried to hand his off to her, too, but she just gave him a dirty look. “Do you have an anxiety disorder? I don’t think so. Answer your own damn phone, buddy.”

“You could start answering both of our phones and we’ll hire you as a secretary for the investigator’s office,” Jason said cheerfully and kissed my cheek as he stuck his phone back into his pocket. 

“Amazingly optimistic about how much work a single investigator and his librarian wife can get done quarterly,” I snorted. “We’re not even sure you can afford to pay me yet.”

Jason curled one arm around my waist and pulled me close, kissed me on the forehead and smiled. “Don’t worry. I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

“Fine enough to hire Cathy?”

He paused and considered. “Maybe not that fine.”

“You couldn’t afford me anyway,” Cathy said with a flippant smile over her shoulder. My phone rang and she squeaked, jumping and bobbling it across her palms until she could look at the caller ID. “Your mom.”

“Which mom?” we both asked.

“Yours.”

I glared at her and she grinned. “The former Mrs. Frank.”

“Take a message.” I turned back to snuggle my face into Jason’s shirt with a sigh. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. “I’m occupied.”

“Hi, Mom!” Cathy said brightly into the phone as she turned away. “Yeah, they’re snuggling again.”

“Thanks for covering for me.”

“Anytime.” She addressed the phone, “Yeah, it’s disgusting. You have no idea how hard it is to stay here. They’re gross.”

“We are pretty bad,” Jason agreed with a grin.

Cathy stuck her tongue out at him and walked farther into the kitchen, still talking to my mother. “It’s rough being this loved,” I sighed and Jason chuckled.

“Believe me, it’s better than being hated.”

“True.”

“Okay,” Cathy said as she came back. “It looks like today is lunch with Jason’s family, coffee around 3 with Mom and Earl, dinner with Poodle-man. Tomorrow! Morning coffee is Jason’s nephew and his boyfriend, lunch is Hilde’s cousin with all the kids, afternoon coffee is somebody named Savi, dinner is the rehearsal dinner. Saturday breakfast is something small so Hilde doesn’t throw up, then coffee, crackers, and cheese around noonish. Dinner is the reception. And then we pack you two into a car and I don’t see you for another eight years.”

Jason and I were standing and watching her with almost identical expressions of confusion on our faces. She looked up and giggled. “I didn’t know you’d gotten so many calls,” I said helplessly.

“Eight years?” Jason asked, baffled. “Kind of a long honeymoon.”

Cathy walked over and bopped me on the nose with the phone. “Dee knows what I’m talking about.” I blushed and she grinned. “See? She has a bad habit of falling off the face of the earth. But she always comes back.”

“Bad penny and all that.” I smiled.

“Best penny ever,” Cathy retorted and pulled me into a quick hug.

Jason watched us with a small smile on his face, then paused and cleared his throat. “Who were we having coffee with tomorrow?”

Cathy put her chin on my shoulder to look at him. “Savi someone-or-other. She said she was in town for the wedding and was hoping to say hi.” When Jason and I looked at each other in confusion, she chewed her lip. “Was that wrong?”

“I don’t know anyone named Savi,” I said softly.

“Me, neither,” added Jason.

“I guess we will after tomorrow?” I glanced at him and studied the frown on his face. “What is it?”

“Did this Savi have an accent?” Jason asked Cathy carefully. When Cathy nodded and his frown deepened, he met my eyes and raised one eyebrow slowly. 

“You’re thinking of Kalinda,” I said softly and he nodded.

“Can I see your phone?” He held out his hand and Cathy handed it over. He flipped through the unknown recent contacts. “That’s Olly… and that’s Astrid. Mom.” He paused and blinked. “My mom called?”

“She left a voicemail,” Cathy said with a bright grin.

“It’s adorable,” I added. “I called her back.”

“You did?” Jason stared. 

I found myself blushing. “I did. She said she wanted to hear my voice and make sure she wasn’t forgetting it. We talked for a little bit. She was doing really well.”

Jason smiled and went back to flipping through the contacts. “Here we go.” He transferred the number to his own phone and dialed. As he waited for an answer, he leaned back against the table and handed me my phone back. “Yes, this is Jason Crouse. I’m looking for Kalinda Sharma?” Jason was watching me with that intensity that made me wonder what he was thinking. “I thought it might be.” He rocked up to his feet and said, “Actually, I was wondering how I can help you?” His voice trailed off as he walked off into the bedroom and shut the door behind him.

“Did I do a bad?” Cathy asked me, hugging me around the waist.

“No,” I said and leaned back against her. “Just a weird, but that’s more like a Cathy, really.”

She grinned brightly and hugged me tighter. “Holding up okay?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I sighed. “This is why Connor and I didn’t get married, you know.”

“Didn’t have a wedding,” she snorted. “That’s different. And you didn’t have a wedding because someone was stalking you? Geez, Dee.”

“Not that,” I laughed. “The stress. The constant press of people and all the stuff that needed to be done. Needs to be done. We finally just said ‘fuck it’ and went to the courthouse.”

“I wish Gus and I had done that,” she sighed softly. “Whole lot of fluff for something that didn’t last very long.”

I sighed and turned around to wrap my arms around her tightly. “Shush, you. You have a wedding because you want a wedding. Not because it’s going to last any longer or shorter than anybody else’s marriage. Nobody ever knows with these things. Look at me and Connor.”

“Love forever, cut short.”

“Something like that,” I said softly. “But who knows? Maybe if he’d lived longer, we would have split up, too. Half of marriages do, after all.”

Jason came back out of the bedroom and stuffed his phone into his back pocket. “So, we’re still on for coffee. And I might have just invited a rival investigator to our wedding.”

“Might have?” I asked in amusement.

“Okay, I did. I invited her.”

“I’m assuming there’s a reason?”

“She likes cake, apparently. She was willing to drop the case in exchange for an invite.”

I regarded him seriously and then laughed when he shrugged. “Are all investigators this weird?”

“Just the good ones.” Jason pulled me away from Cathy to hug me and ended up hugging us both when she didn’t let go. “I think she was blowing it on purpose anyway. Nothing she’s done so far fits with her M.O. or her reputation around town.”

I nuzzled my face into his shirt. “Why would she do that?”

“Maybe she wants the money but doesn’t like the reasons behind it?”

Considering, I peeked up into his face. “Would you do that?”

“Do a shoddy job for a paycheck?” He thought about it and shrugged. “I wouldn’t take a case I don’t like. It’s one of the nice things about being freelance.”

“Even if you’re hungry?”

“If I’m hungry, I’m doing the work for the sake of my reputation. I may hate the employer, but if I’m getting paid, I’ll do the work.” His stomach growled and Jason made a face. “That said, apparently, I’m hungry.” He kissed the top of my head. 

“Lunch with family?” I asked.

“Lunch with family.”


	17. Chapter 17

“And we stop here. I collect the crowns and say ‘Accept their crowns in Your Kingdom unsoiled and undefiled; and preserve them without offense to the ages of ages.’ There’s a prayer and we’re done.” Father David smiled at us and I struggled not to grin like a maniac. “A little new for you, huh?”

“A little,” I agreed.

“We’ll have a chair for Mama,” he added, mischief in his eyes.

“No!” The little woman wagged her finger at him irritably. “I stand. I always stand.”

John rolled his eyes from his place beside Jason. “Don’t even start, Father. Get her wound up and she’ll be like this all night.”

“Worse than a five-year-old on candy,” I commented wryly and Mama laughed.

“Yes, yes. Full of joy and sugar.” She rushed over to me and kissed my cheeks. “Hildy,  _ bud'te zdorovy. _ I will stuff you with almonds.” I giggled and hugged her.

“That sounds vaguely like a threat,” commented Cathy from her place to the side.

“Everything in Russian sounds like a threat,” I grinned.

“Pssh,” scoffed Mama and she patted my cheek before letting me go. “English is soft.”

“No argument from me.” I smiled and turned back toward the audience, where my mother, stepfather, and father were standing nervously on one side while Jenny, Oliver, and Astrid stood more comfortably on the other. “Who’s ready for food?”

“Are you going to end the wedding like that?” Mom asked and I grinned.

“Maybe.”

“It would be more like Hilde than anything else we’ve seen so far today.” Jason smiled and pulled me into a hug. “You look nice, though.”

I blushed and reached up to fiddle with my hair, the only thing dressed up. As previously threatened, I was wearing one of Jason’s soft t-shirts and one of my rattier, comfortable pairs of jeans, but Cathy had insisted on braiding and twisting my hair into some kind of up-do that was already falling out underneath. “Thank you,” I whispered and he leaned down to kiss my forehead. 

Father David patted Jason on the shoulder as he walked back toward our families. Jason smiled at him and turned me around so we could look up at the church, my back against his chest and his arms around me. “Almost there,” he whispered in my ear, then rested his chin on the top of my head, looking up at the brilliantly painted walls of the church. “In a lot of ways.”

I tilted my head, trying to follow his line of sight and I realized he was looking at the depiction of the Saints being welcomed into Heaven. I closed my eyes with a little smile. A line of music wandered into my head and I sang softly under my breath, “ _ The only heaven I’ll be sent to / is when I’m alone with you. _ ”

“Amen,” answered Jason. 

“Amen, amen, aaaaamen.” I sang it out, letting my voice open up with the room’s acoustics. Jason laughed softly and kissed my cheek. 

“Such a pretty voice,” Mama said. She reached and squeezed my shoulder. “You should sing more.”

“I miss singing,” I admitted in a small voice. “I used to all the time. Before the anxiety got bad.”

Cathy smiled and bumped against my arm. “All the time. No exaggeration.” I smiled.

While Father David locked up the church again, we all congregated outside in the parking lot, milling around in little knots until we’d settled on car assignments. Jason had located one of the few non-Chicago-style pizzerias in town and we’d booked their little hall for dinner. Cathy rode with us, once again snuggled into my lap while Mom, Earl, and Dad followed in their own cars. Father David rode with Dad. Astrid drove the rental car with Lucas, Jenny, and Oliver.

“So, do you always ride in Hilde’s lap?” Jason asked Cathy as we drove over.

“Only if I’m not driving,” Cathy confirmed cheerfully.

“Which makes things complicated if I’m driving,” I added and she giggled. 

“If I saw you more than once every five years, I wouldn’t be so clingy.”

“Liar.”

“It’s true,” she sighed. “I’m a horrible liar.” She snuggled into my shoulder and sighed, smiling. “I miss spending every day with you. This has been nice.”

“We haven’t spent every day together since college,” I said.

“That’s what I mean.”

I hugged my best friend and smiled. “I miss you, too.”

 

***

 

The pizza was heavenly. The waitstaff were delighted to have us invade, since they seldom had a rehearsal dinner held at their restaurant. More than anything, I just watched the table. I watched my mother and Mama and Astrid talk about sock patterns. I watched my father discussing music and motorcycles with Lucas. I watched Earl and Oliver sitting side-by-side and occasionally saying something quietly to each other about things no one else could hear. I watched Cathy talking to Jenny and encouraging her to tell all the stories on Jason she could remember. I watched John and Jason discussing a woodworking project that John was planning.

I watched my family.

Father David leaned over to me and said softly, “You’ve got a very particular look on your face.” When I looked at him and blushed, he smiled and continued, “It puts me in mind of a verse. One of my favorites, actually. ‘And Mary remembered all these things and pondered them in her heart.’”

I smiled. “I suspect more than a few people would protest to your comparing me to the mother of God, Father.”

“You’re a woman who’s been blessed,” he answered. “That’s what I see.”

Jason burst into laughter, doubling over the table at some crack Lucas had made and I grinned. “I am that,” I whispered. “I’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve this, that’s for sure.”

Father David smiled. “You do deserve it, though. None of us have to do anything to deserve happiness. That comes with the territory of being alive. You deserve peace, happiness, the fullness of grace.” He put a hand on my shoulder and I looked at him, feeling the blush on my cheeks. “You do, Hilde.”

I tried to give him a genuine smile, but it didn’t come and I looked away again. The only smile I could muster was wistful. “I don’t need to deserve it to accept it.” Silence greeted me and I glance back at the priest, who was glaring at me. “What?”

“Jason, tell your future wife that she’s a combative, problematic heathen.” His tone was playful and Jason looked up in surprise.

“What did you do now?” he asked me. I shrugged, trying to look innocent. Jason sighed and turned away from John to take my hands and stare at me earnestly. “Darling, be nice to the priest. We still need him.”

I dramatically sighed and rolled my eyes. “He started it.”

“Don’t make me finish it.” Jason gave me a firm glare, eyebrows raised, then grinned and pulled me in for a quick kiss. “Seriously.”

As the table returned to their various conversations, Father David leaned across me quickly to whisper to Jason, “She doesn’t believe she deserves this.”

“That was confidential!” I hissed at him.

“Does this look like a Catholic confessional to you?” he asked and stuck out his tongue.

“I don’t deserve it, either,” Jason commented, his fingers curled around mine. “But I’m going to take it and run.” I smiled as he pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed the back of my fingers. “There’s too little happy in life. I’ve got mine and I’m not letting it go.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Astrid said suddenly, raising her glass of wine. Several more voices chimed in and Jason grinned. “To happy.”

We raised our glasses and Jason leaned quickly to kiss my mouth. “To happy.”

 

***

 

Cathy stood behind me with her chin on my shoulder. Our dresses were hanging from the closet doors, spread wide so we could look at them next to each other. “You’re getting married tomorrow,” she whispered in my ear.

“I’m getting married tomorrow.” 

“Excited?”

“Scared.”

She chuckled softly. “How is it different than where you are now?”

I looked down at my hands, thumbed the familiar star sapphire around my finger. “I won’t be Hilde Frank anymore. I’ll be someone else. Someone better, I hope.”

“You’ll still be my Dee.”

“Of course I will.”

Cathy hugged me tightly and swung me back and forth a little. “Then you won’t be that different. It’s just a name, after all. You didn’t stop being my Dee when you married Connor. Or when he died. You won’t stop being you, just because someone calls you ‘Mrs. Crouse.’”

“Oh god,” I mumbled and dropped my head back against her shoulder. “I’m so glad nobody called me ‘Mrs. Frank.’ Nobody ever has, actually. It’s usually ‘miss’ or ‘mizz.’” I sighed and we stood like that for a few minutes. “I can’t believe he wants to marry me.”

“He’s gone a long way to prove that he does,” Cathy chuckled.

“But I’m so damaged,” I whispered with my eyes closed.

“We’re all damaged, Dee.” She kissed my cheek. “You’re nothing special. Except when you are.” I hitched in a breath and she hugged me harder. “Stop it. No crying. Not before bed. You’ll be all puffy in the morning. And you’ll make me cry and then we’ll both be puffy.”

“Puffy is my new wedding color,” I replied, feeling a few tears creeping down my face. “Puffy and red.”

“Jason will need a new tie.”

“Whatever it is, I veto.” Jason stuck his head in past the doorway and blinked at me. “Cathy, are you making my girl cry again?”

“She’s lamenting her brokenness,” Cathy replied, her tone even.

Jason took a long few strides into the bedroom and gathered me up into a hug. “You’re not broken,” he whispered and I started to cry in earnest, much to his chagrin. He kissed my forehead and rocked me slowly. “You’re not. Bruised maybe. Bent. Definitely bent and even a little twisted. But you’re never broken.”

“Maybe you just haven’t--”

“Shh.” He kissed my nose. “I’m not listening to this right now. I’m marrying you tomorrow. All of you, bent and twisted and bruised. If you were broken, I’d still marry you. But you aren’t. Before you met me, you were living in Chicago on your own. No local family, next to no support structure. You were fucking winging it. And doing fine.” He stroked my cheek slowly and smiled when I blinked up at him through my tears. “Just you and the cat and a bottle of wine.”

“And Netflix,” I sniffled.

“And Netflix.” Jason leaned his lips against my forehead and continued to rock slowly, still holding me close. “I love you. And tomorrow seems like forever away still. I can’t wait to see you crowned and in my arms.” I buried my face in his chest with another sniffle.

“Awwww!” Cathy practically squealed and I heard her dancing and clapping behind me. Jason’s head shifted away from my hair, most likely to glare at her and she giggled. “Oops, sorry. Was that the wrong reaction? But you’re so cute!” A second later, I felt her hugging me from behind, her arms reaching as far around both of us as she could manage. “Both of you. The two of you. Thank you so much for wanting me here.”

Jason reached up from behind me and I felt him hug Cathy. “It’s a Hilde sandwich!” I giggled.

I felt Jason chuckle as he peeked over my shoulder to look at Cathy. “I can’t imagine a better person to help us with this, to be honest. I didn’t know you before, but I’m glad you’re here.”

The door buzzer rang and we all jumped. “The hell?” Jason murmured as he let us go and started for the intercom. 

Cathy elbowed me gently with a quiet grin. “Bachelor party,” she whispered. “I heard Luke planning it.”

“Oh shit.” We both covered our mouths and sneaked down the hallway to watch Jason answer the door. “I just hope they don’t scare him,” I whispered back to Cathy. “Lucas is a jackass.”

“I know.”

“Shit. I’ll be right there.” Jason turned suddenly and his face was drawn and pale. “It’s Luke. Something happened with Mom.”

I shook my head and sighed. “Damn him.” Jason looked affronted, but I rushed to kiss him quickly. “Bachelor party, babe. I think your mom’s fine. Wouldn’t Olly or Astrid have called first if it was her?” 

He went very still and I could tell he was thinking about it. Then, he chuckled softly and shook his head. “You’re right. Damn. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” He kissed my lips, then grabbed his wallet and keys before heading out. “I love you,” he added quickly.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” I grinned.

“That narrows it down.”

“To anything that involves leaving the apartment, maybe,” Cathy snickered and I punched her lightly in the shoulder.

“Have fun,” I amended.

“You, too,” he whispered. Just as he was pulling his head back outside, he suddenly bolted back into the apartment, caught me up in a tight embrace, and kissed me. He kissed me like he had the first time, until I felt like I was going to melt right into the floor. I went limp in his arms and felt him smile. “I love you,” he repeated softly. “I won’t be late tomorrow.”

“I love you, too,” I whispered back. “Neither will I."


	18. Chapter 18

“Cathy?” I called from the bathroom where I had my face smooshed up against the mirror to apply mascara. “Has anyone seen Jason yet?”

“No,” Cathy replied, “but nobody’s seen Lucas or Oliver, either. Astrid’s here, though.”

I paced the narrow confines of the church bathroom, twisting my fingers together. “He said he wouldn’t be late,” I muttered to myself. “He promise. You know he’ll be here. Stop it.” 

“Dee?”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.” Cathy poked her head inside the small bathroom and glared at me. “Stop lying.”

I turned around and look at her, dropping my hands to my sides. “Cathy. I’m in my wedding dress. My fiancee hasn’t been seen since last night. And my first husband died in a car wreck.” My chest closed up and I struggled to inhale. “I am very much not fine.”

She came inside and wrapped her arms around me. “He’ll be here, Dee.”

“I know,” I whimpered against her shoulder. “I know. I just… I need to see him. I need to know he’s okay. I can’t do this without him.”

“Literally,” Cathy chuckled. I glared at her through my tears and punched her shoulder. “Sorry.”

“No, you’re not,” I sniffled and wiped at my face with the backs of my fingers. “Dammit, I just put this mascara on.”

“It’s waterproof. Hold still.” Cathy reached up with a tissue to blot my face. “Don’t rub.”

I sniffed again and held still while she fixed me. “I’m just scared.”

“It’ll be fine,” she said and kissed my shoulder quickly.

Feet suddenly thundered down the hallway outside and I heard voices raised quickly, followed by laughter. I rushed to the door to lean out into the hall, but Cathy grabbed me by the back of my dress and pulled me back. “Nuh-uh. You’ll see him soon enough.”

I struggled with her and gave her a pleading look, which made her let me go immediately. “I need this,” I whispered and she sighed with a nod. I dashed out into the hallway, my feet bare and my hair unstyled. I ran all the way after Oliver, who was laughing as he and Lucas sprinted down the hall ahead of me. 

“No!” I heard Jason bellow and his brothers tumbled over themselves, hysterical with giggles as he came back the other way. “Where is she?” He brushed past them and stopped dead in the hallway when he saw me running for him. He looked like he hadn’t slept all night, his hair barely brushed and his tie still hanging loosely around his neck, untied. “Hilde,” he groaned and held his arms out for me as I tackled him. “I’m so sorry, baby. They stole my phone and wouldn’t give it back.”

I clung to him, my arms around his neck as he lifted me clear off the ground. “I thought you were dead,” I whispered into his shoulder. 

“I’m so sorry.” He kissed the side of my face and my neck and my shoulder, still hugging me tightly. “God, I could have killed someone. I’m so sorry.” His body shifted and he carefully set me down, though he didn’t let me go. “See?” he snarled over my shoulder. “This is why I was so pissed, Luke. God, you’re an ass.”

“I… Geez, Jason, I’m sorry.” Lucas sounded shaken and I heard a soft thud, like someone was punching him in the shoulder or back. “Ow. Dude.”

“Hilde, are you okay?” Oliver was drawing closer and I felt a sudden flashback to the nightmare I’d had a few nights ago. My breath started to hitch and rasp with the returning emotion and Jason shushed me gently, rocking. “If I’d known…”

“It’s okay,” Jason whispered to me and kissed my cheek again. “I’m okay. I’m right here. I told you I wouldn’t be late and I’m not. I just… haven’t had any coffee.”

I laughed weakly. “That’s absolutely unacceptable.” I twisted free of his embrace and stormed right up to Lucas where he stood in the hall, still rubbing the back of his shoulder, presumably where Oliver had punched him. I grabbed him by his Cathy-colored tie and dragged his face down to my level. “Coffee. Now. And the good stuff. Or I will pelt you with coal every Christmas for the rest of your life.” When I let him go, he staggered back with a nervous laugh and I added, “And get me one, too. Mocha with mint and raspberry.” 

Lucas looked from me to Jason and back, not entirely sure if I was serious. “You heard the bride,” Jason chuckled. “Good coffee and a mocha with mint and raspberry. And hurry. The wedding starts in half an hour.”

As his brother staggered off, Jason wrapped himself around me and kissed my temple. “I’m okay,” I whispered, leaning back against him. 

“You look fantastic,” he whispered back, letting one hand splay across my belly. “I hated every minute away from you.”

I laughed and leaned my head against his chest. “Flatterer.”

“Lover,” he murmured in my ear and grinned. 

“Did you at least have fun?”

“I guess so.” Jason pulled me to the side of the hall to avoid my mother and aunt who were hustling last minute decorations down the hall toward the sanctuary. “Honestly, I just wanted to be with you anyway. 

“Where did you go?”

“Nowhere.”

I looked at him upside-down and glared. “Liar.”

“Honest!” he blushed and I laughed at him, turning around to lean up against his chest. “Nowhere fun, anyway.”

“Liar!” I repeated with a giggle. I reached up and ran my fingers over his beard. Jason closed his eyes with a sigh as I touched him, then leaned to kiss my palm. “We should probably get you tidied up for this shindig.” I stroked his face again, unable to resist the texture of his beard under my hands. “God, I love you,” I whispered.

“And I love you.” He smiled, his eyes still closed. 

I ran my hands down his chest, then tugged his suit jacket. “Jacket off. Let’s get moving.”

He opened one eye and raised an eyebrow at me with a smirk. I glared and he chuckled, shrugging out of the jacket. “Yes, ma’am.” He let it hang from his long fingers and waited while I flipped up his shirt collar, settled his tie around his neck, and proceeded to tie it for him. “I’m capable of tying a tie, Hilde.”

“I know,” I said softly. “Just… give me this, would you?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he whispered. He held still and when I struggled to get the knot, he knelt down in the hallway so I could get a better angle on the slippery silk. Once I was finished, he ran one hand over the tie, pressing it flat against his shirt, then looked up at me. We stood for a moment, just staring at each other in overwhelmed silence. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” I whispered back. I blinked and realized that he’d gone blurry as tears pricked my eyes. “Jason,” I gasped softly. “I…”

He wrapped his long arms quickly around my waist and he pulled me quickly to him. I hugged him and dropped my face into his shoulder as he held me. “I know,” he whispered. “This is huge. Baby, I know.” Jason slowly ran his hand up and down my back. “I’m going to be right here. I’m here for all of it. Every second. I’m not going anywhere.”

Behind me, someone cleared their throat and I jumped and looked back. Cathy stood in the hallway, her hands clasped behind her back and a sheepish smile on her face. “Dee, we need to finish getting ready. It’s almost time.”

I tried to take another breath and found myself hitching, gulping air. Jason’s arms tightened around me and I heard his voice hushing me gently. “You’re okay, Hilde,” he whispered, his voice steady and warm. “You need me there?”

“Yeah,” I finally answered in a half-whimper. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He stood up and kissed my forehead gently. “I love you. I’m staying with you, no matter what. Tradition be damned.” He settled his jacket back over his shoulders and followed Cathy and me back to the bathroom we had been using as a dressing room. He leaned on the doorframe just inside the door and waited quietly, just staying nearby. Cathy finished my hair, took a few more swipes at my makeup. It didn’t take long and the fussing over my hair calmed me as much as Jason’s presence. “It’s not often I get to stand in the ladies’ room,” Jason murmured softly with a grin.

“So scandalous,” I chuckled. “Crossing gender lines AND seeing your bride before the wedding. Ruining the surprise.” I turned back to look at him and found myself blushing at the look on his face. Jason was watching me with something between longing and shock. “What?”

“You’re so…” he paused and shook his head a little, his eyes closed, “beautiful. You always are. But this…” Jason opened his eyes again and I bit my lip at the tears there. “I’ve never felt anything for anyone before even close to what I feel about you, Hilde. It’s disorienting, dizzying.” He took a quick step and knelt down again to wrap his arms around my hips and bury his face in my chest. “I can’t do this without you.”

“Quite literally,” I giggled softly, stroking my fingers through his hair. 

“I don’t mean the wedding,” Jason continued. He tilted his head to look up at me. “I mean… this. Any of it. Life. I need you.” When I reached to touch his face, he exhaled and closed his eyes. “I love you. And I haven’t been right on my own since I met you.”

A knock on the door made us both jump. Neither of us had realized that Cathy had slipped out, but she reappeared carrying two paper cups that smelled like coffee. “Lucas comes through,” she smiled, holding the cups out toward us.

“What time is it?” I asked as I took the mocha and sipped carefully.

“We have enough time for you to taste,” Cathy told me with a grin. “And then we need to go.”

Jason kissed my cheek as he stood up and took his coffee from Cathy. “I’ll see you out there,” he whispered in my ear. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I reached and caught his free hand, squeezing his fingers. He smiled at me and slipped out into the hallway.

 

***

 

I stood in the hallway. My father stared at me, tears slowly running down his face. He pulled me quickly into a rough hug and let out a little sob before standing back to look at me again. “You look like your mother,” he said softly.

I chuckled and shook my head. “Yes and no, Dad.”

“You’re as beautiful as she was when we got married,” he insisted. “I’ll never forget seeing her come in. And I know Jason will never forget seeing you, either.” He smiled at me, then sniffed and wiped at his eyes. “I think they’re ready for us.” He took my arm and I settled the cluster of artificial fall leaves in my other hand. “Are you read?” Dad asked?

“I’ve never been more ready,” I smiled.

We walked into the sanctuary on cue.

He brought me down the aisle to where Cathy stood to one side beside Mama. Jason and Jenny stood on the other with John and Lucas standing behind them. Father David was behind them and at center, his smile huge. As Dad walked me in, then stopped in front of Father David, he repeated the words he’d been instructed to learn: “Father, bless me. And bless the gift of my daughter.”

“God bless you both,” Father David replied warmly and took my hands from my father’s. He reached for Jason’s hands, taking them from Jenny as she let him go and then joined our hands together. I clung to Jason’s hands then, focused entirely on holding on to him as my father stepped back and away. 

The blessing of the rings came first. I could hear it happening, but the words faded into the background as I stayed focused on Jason, watching his face, seeing his eyes watching me. His hands were shaking in mine. Father David slipped our rings on, then stepped back while John and Mama repeated their own portion of the ceremony, weaving the rings back and forth between them and over our hands, speaking gently about lives and hearts bound together in eternity. Finally, the rings were blessed and placed, both of us still trembling.

Father David moved on to the next steps of the ceremony, blessing us, praying over us, blessing the crowns of braided artificial leaves tied together with ribbons. He placed one crown on my head, another on Jason’s, then lead us around the table. When he finished, he stopped and took the crowns back, whispering his blessings and his final prayer over them before taking our hands. “Amen.”

“Amen,” Jason answered. 

My throat clicked, once, barely even a sound and Jason looked at me, his face worried.

“Aaaamen,” I cried. “Aaaaamen! Aaamen, amen.” The room rang with my voice as tears slipped down my face. Jason laughed and drew me into his arms quickly as I started to cry. “Take me to church,” I whispered so only he could hear me. 

“Good God, let me give you my life,” he whispered back.

“By the grace of God,” Father David added with a bright smile, “I give you Jason and Hilde Crouse.”

“Amen!” the gathered family and friends cried back and I laughed helplessly in Jason’s arms.

“Amen,” I whispered one more time.

“Amen,” he smiled and kissed me.


	19. Chapter 19

We scrambled out of the hall and Jason kissed me soundly by the door of his truck, pressing me against the door for a second. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back until we could hear people starting to filter out into the parking lot after us, cheering and clapping.

“You can’t leave yet,” my mother informed me seriously once Jason and I had disengaged. “Alan still needs photos.”

I grimaced and Jason laughed, kissing my shoulder. “You’ll survive. And I think they still need a little time to finish setting up the reception anyway.” 

“I can’t believe I forgot about photos,” I sighed softly.

“Your mom didn’t,” Jason grinned.

“I’m just glad he didn’t try to get anything before the wedding. I was so stressed out, I would have probably spent the whole time just bawling. More than I did, I mean.” I sighed and let out as much of the tension in my shoulders as I could. Jason curled his fingers through mine and we walked back to the church as everyone who didn’t need to stay for photographs filed out. 

My cousin, Alan, was eagerly arranging the lights for the photos, getting one of the smaller kids to carry his cords for him. Mom pulled me into a quick hug that quickly deteriorated into me getting passed through the family for hugs. When they finally stopped, I found myself leaning on Jason’s chest with his arms around me loosely as he swayed back and forth, humming softly under his breath. He was still humming Hozier’s  _ Take Me To Church _ . “I’m going to be hearing that a lot, aren’t I?” I whispered.

“Yup.” Jason leaned down and kissed me, savoring. 

“Enough with the kissy stuff,” Alan called. “Get up here so we can get these taken and go eat.” He arranged us in groups, took photos, looked through his digital proofs, retook some photos. Finally, he seemed satisfied that he’d taken enough of the staged photos. “Okay, let’s go get food.”

“Your family really does revolve around food, doesn’t it?” Jason chuckled in my ear.

“You don’t know the half of it,” I grinned back. “Ugh, I want to change.”

“Not yet!” Cathy cried and I groaned, rolling my eyes. “You still have to dance and Alan will want photos of that.”

“I can dance in jeans and a t-shirt,” I protested.

“Not the father-daughter dances,” Alan reminded me. “Just get through the first few so I can get some shots of your dad sobbing while you roll your eyes and then you can dress like a man again.”

“I love you,” I grinned at my cousin and he grinned back, hugging me.

“Way to go,” he whispered. “You look awesome and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so happy.” He grinned at me and let me go when Jason tilted his head toward the truck. “See you over there.”

“Thanks again, Al.”

“Of course.”

 

***

 

The reception hall smelled fantastic, a heady rush of coffee and spices and baked chicken. Jason pulled me close as Cathy rushed on ahead of us and we stopped in the hallway. “Wait,” he whispered and I turned back to lean against him. “Just… wait a minute.”

“What?” I whispered to him. My bra itched and the dress felt like it had shrunk around my shoulders. I wanted so badly to get through the dances so I could change. Something in Jason’s face stopped me, though, and I tilted my head, watching him. “Jay? What is it?”

He leaned back against the wall with his eyes shut and his jaw tight. “Just… give me a minute.” He took a few long, slow breaths, then looked toward the door to the hall just as a loud round of laughter rolled out. “Nope, fuck it,” he grunted and dragged me against his chest. “I’m done. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in Canada for a month.”

I giggled softly and cupped my hands to his face. “Are you okay?”

Jason leaned his head back against the wall, eyes closed. “I have spent the last… what, six months? Planning. And plotting. And making decisions. And getting excited and nervous and all the shit that goes with getting married. And now…” he looked at me, expression tight. “All I want is to take you over my shoulder and run as far and as fast as I can and refuse to answer the phone until we’ve had enough sex to make God himself blush.” 

I bit my lip and grinned at him. “Y’know… we can actually do that. If you want.”

He sighed and nodded, mostly just bouncing his head lightly against the wall. “I really do want to do that. But I promised you a crazy Russian lady doing the chicken dance. And your cousin wants to take pictures of you dancing with your dad.” Jason grinned quietly, “And the coffee smells amazing. And there are cupcakes.”

“There are cupcakes,” I agreed softly. I leaned against his chest, letting my hands rest on the lapels of his jacket and my cheek press against his tie. I listened to his hammering heartbeat and closed my eyes with a sigh when Jason slowly slipped one hand around the back of my neck. “We made it,” I whispered. “This is just the afterparty.”

“All of today has been the afterparty,” he whispered back, then leaned down and kissed me. “Now, we’re just crowned and blessed and celebrated. You’ve been my wife since the day you said you would.” He stroked my cheek with his thumb and smiled. “In every way that counts.”

“I want,” I whispered softly, “to smoosh a cupcake on your nose. And dance like an idiot with Mama. And kiss you every time someone starts to chant for it and lots of times when everyone wishes we’d stop. I want to be… stupid. And open. And I want everyone to know exactly how much I love you.” 

“Are you really going to smear icing all over my face?” he grinned. 

“And lick it off while Alan takes pictures, yes.”

Jason tipped his head back and laughed. “Let’s go get cupcakes.”

Applause and cheering greeted us as we came into the decorated hall and I flinched back against Jason’s arm, blushing. He curled one arm around me and kissed the top of my head. “It’s okay, baby. Nobody here but us chickens.”

Cathy rushed up to me and caught my hands in hers, beaming as she half-dragged me into the room. “Look, Dee! Look at the cupcakes! They’re adorable!” I allowed her to haul me across the room to the table and I felt Jason’s hand as it stayed in contact with my lower back the whole way. He wasn’t about to let her drag me away from him this time. The cupcakes were beautiful, like miniature wedding cakes in white chocolate and edible pearls. 

“Are you cutting the cupcakes first?” Alan asked as he came around the table with his camera on his shoulder. 

“I think so,” I grinned. “That way, everyone can just eat and get dessert as they feel like without having to wait.” I looked back at Jason and he nodded, his lips twitching into a smile. He came up behind me and we studied the cupcakes until we found one we liked. Cathy found the knife and handed it to us so we could divide the single cupcake in half. I picked up my half and made eye contact with Jason, smirking. “Ready?”

“Always.” 

Slowly, while everyone drummed the tables suspensefully, we moved our halves towards each other and I heard someone shout, “Oh! Oh! They’re gonna be good!”

I moved at the same time as Jason, both of us smashing the frosting of our halves against each other’s noses. I got some on my glasses and I could hear Jason laughing helplessly as he chased my fingers with his lips. After a few seconds of making each other messy, we spent a few more minutes cleaning up, both with tongues and napkins. “That was way more fun than it should have been,” Jason murmured in my ear as I cleaned frosting from the lenses of my glasses. “I think I’m getting ideas.”

“Later,” I snickered at him and batted gently at his face. He kissed my fingers and grinned.

We made our way to the table and let Father David say grace over the dinner. As everyone started shuffling toward the buffet, Jason curled his fingers through mine and tugged until I leaned close to him. “I have frosting up my nose.”

“I’d say I’m sorry,” I whispered back. “But I’d be lying.”

“Naughty,” he grinned.

“Always,” I replied and kissed him quickly. 

Wine was poured. Food was eaten. After a little while, Lucas stood up and dramatically poured himself more wine. “Everyone! Eyes front!” His call went largely unnoticed, much to Jason’s muffled amusement until Oliver and Gordon started to ring their forks against the water glasses. The assembly calmed until everyone’s eyes were on Lucas. “Thank you,” he said with a little flourishing bow. “A toast! Because the best man is supposed to do that kind of sh… thing.” He glanced apologetically at Jason, who grinned. “Jason, you’ve been my brother since I was born. But you’ve been my friend since the first day you bounced-passed a basketball to me. We’ve played hoops since we were kids and you’ve always been my best guard.” He paused and swallowed hard, his expression suddenly more full of emotion than usual. “We threw you a bachelor party. Because you’ve had a really long… f… frickin’ bachelorhood. You have, man. We love you, but I think everyone had given up.” He grinned a little and Jason shook his head. “But the thing about that party. I saw someone I’ve never seen before. I saw my brother and my friend, my best guard and the man who’s protected this family since before it knew it needed protecting… I saw him worried out of his mind. Everything, right up front. He cursed at me and almost hit me because I stole his phone so he’d focus on having a good time. All he could talk about was how much Hilde was going to worry.” He swallowed hard and smiled at me while Jason curled his arms around me and kissed my shoulder. “Hilde, you’ve changed him. All for the better. He couldn’t even look at another girl last night. All he talked about was you. So.” He lifted his glass and cleared his throat, “To Hilde. And to how boring she’s made my brother.” Jason raised an eyebrow and Lucas grinned. “The kind of boring that comes when you know where you belong, who you belong with, and there’s no point looking anywhere else. Because you know...that she’s right there.”

“To Hilde!” a few people called back and they all drank while I blushed into Jason’s shoulder.

“To Hilde,” Jason whispered and kissed my cheek as he sipped his own wine. 

Cathy shuffled herself and squeezed my shoulder before she stood up. “Stupid Lucas,” she addressed him with a tone of mocking irritation. “Making me stand up and say what everyone already knows.” Lucas quirked an eyebrow at her and she grinned, lightening the blow. “Dee. My Dee.” She paused and made a face as she started to tear up immediately. “Dammit, I wasn’t going to cry until after.” She wiped at her eyes and sniffed. “Gah. Hilde is my beloved. All my happiest moments have included her, either because she was there or because I wished she was there. She’s my sunshine girl and nothing’s hurt my heart more than her hiding behind a cloud. So when there was sunshine again and she called me to tell me about Jason… I had to get here as fast as I could. I had to see this man who chased her clouds away.” Blushing, I leaned against Jason and he kissed my temple, lingering. “And I came here and she…” Cathy covered her mouth with one hand, blushing as tears leaked down her face. “Jason, she shone. So bright. I’ve never seen her shine so bright as when you touch her or when she sees you come into a room. Never.” She choked for a second and wiped at her eyes, sniffling. “To Jason,” she finally managed after a second. “Hilde’s cloud chaser. Always chase her clouds away.”

“To Jason!” called several people and I grinned, hearing my mother’s voice in there. 

I looked back at my husband and was surprised to see tears in his eyes. “To Jason,” I whispered to him and leaned up to kiss his lips. 

 

***

 

“Time to PARTY!” Lucas made a beeline for the dancefloor and I looked up. 

“I suppose it is about time to get the dances done,” I smiled.

“Hey, look on the bright side,” Jason whispered in my ear, “dance with half a dozen people, then you get to change into jeans again.”

I looked back at him with wide eyes. “Take me now, you smooth--” He laughed and kissed me before I could finish the thought with its appropriate level of vulgarity. I had had about three glasses of wine by now, so I was getting giggly and my filter was pretty much gone. 

“C’mon, tipsy,” he smiled and caught my hand, pulling me up. “Before you get too much more into you and can’t stand up on the dance floor at all.” While Jason guided me to the dancefloor, Lucas fiddled with the computer connected to the sound system. By the time we were there, he seemed to be ready to roll and gave Jason a thumbs-up. “We’re ready when you are,” Jason said, pulling me close to him. 

“We’ll do it all,” sang the speakers and I closed my eyes to lean against Jason, already crying. I felt a mix of embarrassment and warmth, listening to this song. It was cheesy as hell, but it was my wedding. I’d listen to Snow Patrol if I wanted to. “Everything, on our own. We don’t need anything or anyone. If I lay here. If I just lay here--”

“Would you lie with me,” I whispered along and felt Jason’s lips touch my forehead, “and just forget the world.”

“I love you,” Jason whispered against my cheek and I buried my face in his shoulder, crying. 

“I need your grace,” I sang to him. “To remind me to find my own.” When I looked up at him, his face was blurred by my tears, but I could see that he was crying, too. His hand curled around mine and he kissed my fingers, his eyes closed. 

By the end of the song, we were just clinging to each other and crying. He kissed me again, his palms on my cheeks, then whispered, “I will always lie with you. These things will never change for us at all.” 

As we stepped back and looked up, we found our families on the sidelines watching us, many with soggy tissues in hand. I blushed and Jason smiled. “Father-daughter,” called Lucas and I looked at my dad, who was already crying and blowing his nose into a handkerchief. 

Dad came up slowly, sniffling before he looked at Jason and hugged him tightly. “Thank you,” I heard him say and Jason grinned, leaning down to hug my short father. 

“I should be thanking you,” Jason replied as they parted. He gestured to me and Dad took my hand, escorting me back out to the floor. 

The opening strains for Crosby, Stills, and Nash’s “Teach Your Children Well” started playing and I grinned at the stricken expression on my father’s face. “I love you, Daddoo.”

“I hope I’ve taught you well,” he said. He reached up and wiped a streak of tears from my cheek. “I think I have. We have. You’re still my little girl, though. Always my little girl.”

“Dad,” I sighed and the flash of Alan’s camera went off immediately. I started to laugh and my dad looked up in surprise. “Alan to the rescue,” I giggled. The flash went off twice more in quick succession as Dad started to laugh, too.

“I’m sorry, honey,” Dad sighed. “I just… get emotional.”

“I know,” I smiled.

We swirled through a few more dances, including Jason dancing with his mother, me dancing with his brothers, and Jason dancing with my mother, who cried like crazy. Once that was over, Lucas threw on the fun stuff and I kissed Jason quickly before dashing off to get out of my dress. He followed me at a sprint, much to the laughter of the hall, then caught up to me to kiss me soundly. “I’m changing, too,” he said. “Get me out of this fucking monkey suit.”

“My pleasure,” I grinned, pulling off his tie.


	20. Chapter 20

“See, it’s like this. Nana nana nana na.” I flapped my hands near my ears. “Nana nana nana na.” I wiggled my arms with my hands in my armpits. “Nana nana nana na.” I wiggled down toward the floor, then clapped along with the music. 

Mama’s eyes were shining as she watched me, following along. She had never heard of the Chicken Dance, but it was immediately her favorite thing. We played it twice, once for practice and the next time for full performance. I watched in delight as Jason danced with his mother, pulling her through the steps. Mom couldn’t get Gordon up, so she and Cathy were dancing not far away. 

It was every bit as hysterically funny as I’d hoped it would be. 

Finally, Jason managed to spin me into his arms and hold me close. I pressed my face against the soft brushed cotton of his t-shirt and he slowly rubbed his hands over my back. “Feeling better?” he murmured.

“Yes,” I answered. “I’ve eaten candied almonds until I’m going to explode, smeared frosted cupcake all over your face, danced the Chicken Dance with a crazy Russian lady, cried to some of my favorite songs.” I paused and looked up at him with a smile. “And I get to leave with you when this is all over.”

“Decided where yet?” he smiled, kissing my forehead.

“No idea,” I beamed back up at him. “West, I think.” 

“God, I love you,” he growled and spun me in a circle. “Only you would want to take a random road trip for your honeymoon.”

“And only you would agreed to it.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down to kiss him. 

Cathy spun past me, all by herself but having a blast before she returned and tapped Jason’s shoulder. “Can I cut in?” she said, batting her eyelashes. 

“Nope,” Jason replied and hugged me tightly to his chest while I squeaked a giggled protest. “She’s mine now. It’s all legal and above-board now. Mine.” He kissed the top of my head.

“Can’t I just get one last dance?” pouted Cathy, quivering her lip.

Jason paused and I could hear him humming thoughtfully. Finally, he sighed dramatically and let me go. “Fine. But I’m timing you.” He tapped his watch and raised his eyebrows at her.

Cathy giggled and spun me around, pulling me close until we could lean our foreheads together. “Hilde, I’m so happy for you,” she whispered. “And I don’t want you to go. But when do you guys want to leave?”

“Probably another half hour or so,” I whispered back with a grin. “Does that give you enough time?”

“Darling Dee, I don’t know what you mean.” She batted her eyes at me and kissed my cheek quickly before hugging me tight. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Cathy,” I whispered.

As she spun away from me, Jason caught me from behind and made eye contact with her over my shoulder. “Don’t touch my damn truck, Cathy.”

She pouted. “I wouldn’t dream of it.” She winked at me and dashed away. 

“She’s not leaving the truck alone,” I giggled at him.

“I know,” he sighed. “And even if she did, Luke wouldn’t.” As if by magic, Lucas whooped from near the wine bar and charged from the room while Cathy covered her face both hands, shaking her head. “See?”

“Real subtle, Lucas,” Oliver shouted after him and grinned at us. He followed his brother out of the building while Astrid trailed after him, giggling. 

Jason turned me around to face him and I squeaked in surprise as he leaned down and kissed me. “My family is crazy,” he informed me seriously when he let me up for air. 

“Good thing mine is, too,” I grinned. 

“I can’t believe you married me even after you met them.” Jason paused, then gave me a wry smile. “I… can’t believe you married me. Period.”

I looked up at him and stroked my hand over his cheek. When he closed his eyes with a sigh, I smiled. “Believe it,” I whispered. “I might have married into your family, as crazy as it is, but I married you. And I went into that with my eyes open. I know exactly how crazy you are.” He smiled without opening his eyes and I grinned, curling my hand behind his neck and into his hair. “Jason. I love you. And I’m so glad you’re in my life. I’m glad you jammed the printer. I’m glad you weren’t scared of my damage.”

“Bent, but not broken,” he whispered and opened his eyes to smile at me. 

I blushed and leaned against him with a grin. “I’m glad Nefret loves you, as much as any cat can love a servant. I’m glad that you know me and want me anyway.” I peeked up at him and smiled. “This is gonna be awesome.”

 

***

 

In cascades of bubbles and the occasional almond pelted by Mama, we exited the reception hall and rushed across the parking lot. True to form, Jason’s truck was covered in soap writing, everything from “Just Married” to “Jason loves Hilde” to dozens of little hearts that covered most of the passenger side door. I recognized Cathy’s artist writing and some of her familiar doodles. Jason ran one hand over his face and sighed. “I’m going to kill him.”

“It washes off,” I grinned and kissed his shoulder. 

We hugged our families, thanked Mama and John and Father David again. 

We got in the truck, which started up just fine, though someone had snuck a CD into the player that started immediately to play Heart’s “What About Love” at an ungodly volume. 

Jason leaned over and kissed me over the center console, then whispered, “Let’s blow this pop stand.”

He revved the engine and we took off. Somewhere vaguely West.

And several discarded cell phones tied to the bumper with yarn bounced along behind us.


End file.
